


Endless Seas

by DarthDre



Category: FemShep - Fandom, Mass Effect, Shrios - Fandom, Thane Krios - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-06-06 12:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 45
Words: 59,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6754177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthDre/pseuds/DarthDre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joan spent two years dead; brought back to life to fight the Collectors, her connection with Cerberus has cost her a very important relationship. Lost in her confusion and irritation, the mysterious assassin, Thane Krios, catches her eyes. Her heart, as well as her mind are tested in this story of love, courage, and forgiveness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning is set in the middle of Mass Effect 2. I should tell you that some of the content is verbatim to the script of the game; only because the relationship that forms between both Femshep and Thane, the main storyline does have a lot to do with how their relationship develops. If you have any questions, feel free to message me. ^_^

Joan tried her best to understand Kaidan’s anger, but a part of her wanted to punch him in the face for not understanding her perspective. She wasn’t loyal to Cerberus or the Illusive Man, she simply joined forces with them because they were the only ones that were willing to do a damn thing about the Collectors. The Alliance wasn’t going to help. The council refused to acknowledge the threat. Why didn’t he see that?

Typical thoughts to be thinking while she was trying to wash muck and debris off of her. The one place where she could relax was also the one place where most of the thinking occurred. Her thoughts went back to the old Normandy, before Ilos. Kaidan had shared with her a very intimate moment, it did mean a lot to her. She sighed and closed her eyes at the memory; she wished he was there with her.

Slowly, she opened her eyes. There were important matters that needed tending to, her personal fucked up love life could wait.  Almost lazily, she turned off the shower, dried off and got dressed. She needed to get something more comfortable than the ridiculous Cerberus uniform. But it would have to do for now. She quickly brushed her long black hair into a bun and continued to put her makeup on. Subtle black eyeshadow just to make her light blue eyes pop, a bit of mascara for her long lashes and a hint of blush just to give her a little bit of color.

She chuckled to herself. She didn’t have time to take care of her love life but she somehow managed to make herself look a little presentable. _How ironic._

She quickly went to her private terminal, trying to avoid the photo of Kaidan that was placed on her desk. She had intentionally avoided using her private terminal for fear that she would keep rereading the email Kaidan sent to her. _Self torture._

She reviewed the dossiers the Illusive Man sent her to see who else needed to be added to the team. She already picked up the Justicar Samara, a very beautiful asari who had a penchant for chasing down criminals. It was almost frustrating having to deal with the Eclipse mercenaries, but she managed. Tali was already on board. It was so nice to have another old friend on the team. She could use the extra stability.

Joan opened the dossier on the assassin, this one was on Illium as well. She would need to go and check up with Liara to see what information she could provide on… what was his name? Thane Krios?

She closed her terminal and headed down to the CIC. 

The words in Kaidan’s email still stuck in her head. He mourned her, he missed her, and… drinks with a doctor. Maybe she should let him move on. She wasn’t sure what do think. He did have a right to move on, she was technically dead for two years.

The elevator door pinged and she stepped out into the CIC. She headed straight for the galaxy map and decided to head to head back to Illium. It looked like the assassin was also on Nos Astra. She hounded herself internally for not picking him up when she picked up Samara. Oh well.

“EDI,” she called into the com.

“Yes, Commander?”

“I’m plotting a course to Illium, make sure Joker gets us there in one piece,” she joked.

“Right away, Commander.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan meets a mysterious assassin...

“Get that damn turret, Garrus!”

Garrus fired a high powered concussive shot and took out the last turret that was perched on top of the bridge. Nassana had mercenaries covering almost every inch of this building and they spent the last 20 minutes fighting their way to the penthouse. The Salarian workers managed to give them some clues as to where the assassin was. They already knew he was after Nassana, they just wanted to make sure he made it out alive.

“I think the penthouse is through here,” Joan said, walking towards the high, steel double doors at the end of the hall. It slid open and there was Nassana, staring out onto Nos Astra’s skyline, the sun rising beautifully over the Horizon.

Nassana turned, the look on her face displayed shock and disbelief for a moment, “Shepard, but… you’re dead.”

“I got better,” Joan answered sarcastically; as if death was just a cold.

“And now you’re here to kill me,” Nassana stated, the mercenaries behind her armed their weapons.

“You’re really paranoid aren’t you?”

Nassana scoffed, and turned towards the window, “Don’t patronize me.”

“Charming as ever.”

“I’m sure you find this all very ironic, first you take care my sister, and now you’re here for me. Well, you made it this far,” she turned and walked towards the desk in front of her, “Now what?”

Joan was slightly amused, “You really think I’m here to kill you?”

“Do you have another reason for destroying my tower? Decimating my security?”

“I’m just looking for someone,” Joan was starting to get annoyed. She could sense Garrus and Tali tensing up behind her, getting ready to shoot her.

“You expect me to believe that? Is it credits? Is that what you want? Just tell me your price, we can make this problem go away.”

 _Go away? Who the hell does this woman think she is? She had her workers killed!_ Joan thought internally. She folded her arms, “All the credits in the world won’t make this problem go away, Nassana.”

“Who the hell gave you the right to play god? I may not be perfect,” she said, pacing, “but look at you, we both kill people for money, what’s the difference?”

“You kill people because you think they’re beneath you, they’re in your way,” Joan took a step forward, “I kill people because they leave me no choice.”

 “You’ve got a choice,” there was thud overhead and Joan noticed one of the mercs point his gun at the ventilation above, but Nassana continued, obviously not hearing it, “you don’t have to do this, I can tell you-what?”

The asari mercenary was looking around the room, almost in a panicked state, “I heard something.”

“Damn it, check the other entrances,” Nassana pointed towards the other doors and the asari mercenary walked towards them, she turned back to Joan, “You stay put.”

“When I’m finished dealing with this nuisance, you and I are going to-,” as she said that, Joan saw the assassin drop down from the ventilation hole above and land softly behind the human male mercenary, he quickly snapped his neck and throat punched the other, then he quickly fired one single shot at the asari mercenary. Nassana turned to see what was going on, but the assassin already had his gun pointed at her mid section, in one quick instant, he fired a bullet.

Nassana groaned. The assassin gently laid her on the desk in front of them, crossing her hands above her abdominal area, as she silently took in the last breath of her life.

“That was quite the entrance,” Garrus commented.

Joan stared as the assassin did the most unusual thing, it looked like he was praying. His eyes were closed, the horizon behind him was so beautiful in contrast to his green skin. Shepard felt her heart flutter just a bit. She quickly shook it off as she approached the desk, “I was hoping to talk to you.”

His eyes opened, still looking down at Nassana, he spoke, his voice was rough, and deep, “I apologize, my prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”

Joan found herself feeling a little skeptical about the act, “Do you really think she deserves it?”

“Not for her,” he shook his head slightly, then his big, dark eyes met hers, “For me.”

He stepped back from Nassana’s lifeless body, looking at Joan, he continued as he walked towards the right end of the desk, “The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance, all this destruction, chaos,” he paused, Joan looked at Nassana, then back at Thane, who continued to the front of the desk and went on, “I was curious how far you’d go to find me, well here I am.”

He was looking directly at her now. Joan took the opportunity to speak, “I do want to talk to you, but how did you know I was here?”

“Gunfire and explosions,” he answered, walking towards Garrus, who had his sniper rifle armed and ready to shoot, he stood directly in front of him, his back towards her, “I prefer to work quietly. If I have to fight through guards, I made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes. You disrupted my plan. But your distraction has proved valuable.”

Joan felt insulted, he almost made her seem like she was a ruthless, tactless killer, which for the most part she was, but she shrugged it off. Now wasn’t the time to take words personally, she needed as many crew members as she could get her hands on, “Lets cut to the chase; I need you for a mission.”

“Indeed,” he said, almost making it seem like that much was obvious.

“Are you familiar with the Collectors?”

Thane walked back towards the desk, “By reputation.”

“They’re abducting entire human colonies; Freedom’s Progress was their handiwork.”

Thane was staring out into the sunrise, his back still to Joan, “I see.”

Confidently, Joan said, “I’m going after them.”

Almost suddenly, Thane turned, “Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega-4 relay, no ship has ever returned from doing so.”

“My ship will be the first,” she spoke. She thought she saw what was a small smirk in Thane’s face, but he turned back towards the window again.

“You’d like me to protect humans I’ve never met, from aliens no one knows anything about, I go into a place no one’s ever returned from?”

Joan walked towards Thane, “That’s the gist of it.”

“This was to be my last job,” he hesitated before continuing, “I’m dying.”

Dying? Joan wasn’t sure she heard those words correctly. But that was in fact what he said.

“Low survival odds don’t concern me,” he took a quick glance at her, “The abduction of your colonists does.”

Stumped, Joan wasn’t sure what to say, “I hadn’t realized that… is there anything I can do?”

_Stupid. Why the hell do I always sound like a damn, emotionless robot?_

He went on though, “Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place; I’m trying to make it brighter before I die.”

He faced her completely now, his face was dark, sullen. One could almost see the sadness in his dark eyes, “Many innocents died today, I wasn’t fast enough and they suffered. I must atone for that. I will work for you, Shepard, no charge.”

Joan was relieved. She got the assassin.


	3. Chapter 3

Jacob and Joan waited for Thane in the comm room. It was a long day, and she knew Jacob didn’t necessarily agree with recruiting an assassin for the mission. It didn’t matter to her, she didn’t agree with Cerberus and their point of views, but she still joined forces with them to stop the Collectors.

They both looked up as they heard the doors open and Thane walk in. Had they not heard the doors, they wouldn’t have known he was in there. His footsteps were so silent. They had to be in his line of work, she figured.

Before Joan could say anything, Jacob spoke, “I’ve heard impressive stories, Krios. Sounds like you’ll be an asset to the team,” he turned towards Joan, “That is if you’re comfortable having an assassin watch your back.”

There was poison in Jacob’s words, she knew Thane noticed this, however, he replied calmly, “I’ve accepted a contract, my arm is Shepard’s.”

“Uh huh, don’t know about you, but I’m loyal to more than my next paycheck,” Jacob responded. The venom still clear in his words.

Joan intervened, “Obviously he is too, he’s doing this mission gratis. What’s your concern?”

“I don’t like mercenaries, an assassin, is just a precise mercenary,” he said, looking straight at Thane. Almost daring him to do something.

Thane still managed to keep his cool and retorted, “An assassin is a weapon, a weapon doesn’t choose to kill, the one who wields it does.”

Jacob scoffed at this. Thane ignored him and asked Joan, “Where should I put my things? I prefer some place dry, if anything is available.”

EDI suddenly popped up and answered, “The area near the life support plant on the crew deck seems to be slightly more arid than the rest of the ship.”

Thane seemed a bit impressed with EDI, “Ah, an AI, my thanks,” he took a quick bow to which Joan returned with a slight head nod. She watched as he walked out of the room, his coat swirling slightly behind him.

“He seems quite civil,” EDI commented before she shut off.

Joan looked at Jacob. She was not happy with the way he spoke to their newest addition to the team, “ We need all the help we can get, he’s not what I expected in an assassin, he may surprise you.”

Jacob shook his head, “Yeah, and he may not.”

With that last gesture, he walked out of the comm room in a huff. Joan sighed. She didn’t have the time to play mother to all of her crew members, it was bad enough that Miranda and Jack were always at each other’s throats, the last thing she needed was Jacob trying to antagonize Thane. I guess that was one thing about having different species together on one ship.

She decided to leave the comm room and she somehow found herself heading towards the life support room. She knocked and entered when she heard Thane call out, “Come in.”

“Hey,” she said when she saw him, he was sitting at the table, cleaning out his sniper rifle.

“Shepard,” he greeted her, “What brings you down here?”

“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” she answered, leaning against the steel frame, “How are you getting along with the rest of the team?”

“I haven’t gotten a chance to meet many of them, but the ones I have met have been decent enough to me,” he said.

“With the exception of Jacob,” she pointed.

He looked up at her now, his hands still on the rifle, “His opinions are where they should be, I do not take it personal that he mistrusts me. He does not know the details of who I am, I put no blame on his feelings.”

The answer shocked her a little, most men, and women, would have wanted to kick Jacob’s nose in. She had to admit, even she felt that way about some of her crew members. He seemed like a very docile assassin.

She quickly changed the subject though, “When we met you, you said you were dying.”

_Great subject change, Joan._

“Yes,” he answered going back to cleaning his rifle, “I thought you’d want to know more. You don’t have to worry about the rest of the crew. My illness is not communicable, even to other drell. It’s called Kepral’s Syndrome.”

She had to admit, it caught her interest and her curiosity made her poke on for more information, “What exactly is the problem?”

He snapped some of the pieces of the rifle back together as he answered, “My people are native to an arid world. Most of us live on Kahje, the Hanar home world. It’s very humid and rains everyday; our lungs can’t deal with the moisture. Over time, the tissue loses its ability to absorb oxygen, it becomes harder to breathe. Eventually, we suffocate.”

“Well, why don’t your people inhabit a drier planet? Or use breathers?”

“Drell have a close relationship with the Hanar. We rely on each other, the best we can do is keep our homes very dry inside,” he pointed, putting the last pieces of his rifle together. He left it there as he crossed his hands together.

“Can’t they do something about that?”

“The Hanar have funded a genetic engineering program, they should be able to adapt us. The project has only been running for a few years. I don’t believe my body will still draw breath by the time it bears fruit.”

Joan felt herself feel a little saddened, and surprisingly, she felt a twinge of concern for the dying drell. She didn’t know why. There was something in his eyes that made her want to protect him; to avoid giving this feeling away she quickly asked, “Are you going to be alright till the end of the mission?”

“I should be fine for another 8 to 12 months, the more time I spend in humid environments, the faster it progresses. I think it’s safe to say that by the time my body is incapacitated we’ll be victorious. Or dead. Either way, I won’t be a burden to you.”

“You don’t act like a dying man,” Joan indicated.

“You have the advantage there, Shepard, you’ve already died,” he paused, and gave her a semi playful look, “perhaps later you can give me some suggestions. I can do nothing to alter my fate. One advantage of my training is that I always, to some degree, considered myself dead.”

“I’m sorry about that,” she expressed to him some form of sympathy.

He picked up on it because he replied, “Thank you for your concern, but trust me, this won’t affect my performance. I said I would help you, and I plan on seeing it through.”

Joan nodded, “You’re settling in comfortably?”

“Yes, the space is fine, you needn’t concern yourself with my living conditions,” he said, picking up the rifle and setting it on the small platform on the right hand side of the wall.

She gave him a small smile, “I should leave you to it, I’ll speak with you another time.”

“I look forward to it.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joan receives a message from an old friend.

Her cabin was quiet and a little cold. It was always cold in there. She sat at her private terminal, staring at the blinking light indicating that she had received a new message. Her mind was preoccupied with her last conversation with Thane.

She learned a lot from him; that he was trained to be an assassin at the young age of six. Not that she was judging the Hanar or the drell himself; some of her fellow orphans back on Earth killed at such a young age for food.

It was almost heartbreaking to hear about what happened to his home world. Of course, that was the issue with some planets. To some degree, she understood the Compact between the Drell and the Hanar. To each his own. She always did her best not to sound like some condescending asshole, even though some of the things she said seemed that way.

The thing she found most fascinating about him was the random outburst of an old memory. He didn’t want to talk about it, naturally. But it only made her curiosity about him heighten more.

Her eyes fell on the photo of Kaidan. She sighed. Her mind and heart were both still at war with one another over whether or not she should be angry with him or try to comprehend where he was coming from.

To distract herself from those thoughts, she quickly opened the new message on her private terminal. Her eyes read the name of the sender; Kaidan.

She quickly opened it:

_Shepard,_

_I know my last message to you probably didn’t warrant a reply. I wasn’t expecting you to, being that we are both in a very awkward emotional situation. I would like to speak with you. But being that you are busy doing whatever it is you’re doing, I know that it’s likely impossible to speak this out in person. I will be available today, all day. Feel free to speak with me over vid comm. I would appreciate it if you did. We need to clear the air between us._

_-Kaidan_

She closed the message. She needed a friend’s input on this right now. She decided to go to one of her trusted buddies, who just so happened to be dwelling in the main battery.

“Shepard, need me for something?” Garrus asked.

“Take a break from your calibrations, Garrus, I really need to speak to you,” she demanded, taking a seat on the small area near his computer.

Garrus laughed quietly, “What is it?”

“I got a message from Kaidan,” she blurted out, leaning forward, elbows on her knees, “He wants to speak, not in person, over the comm, but I’m not sure if I should.”

“Why is that?”

She shrugged, “Come on, Garrus, you were there on Horizon. You saw his reaction. And you read the message he sent to me. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to speak to him, even if I want to.”

Garrus sighed, and leaned against the terminal, “It’s not a matter if you’re ready or not. There is a lot of tension between the both of you and personally, I think it would do the both of you good to clear the air. You can’t afford to be distracted right now, take whatever opportunity you can to make things right.”

Joan breathed in and leaned back against the wall, “I guess you’re right. Strange that I come to you with shit like this.”

“I’m your battle buddy, if you can trust me to have your back against the likes of Saren, then you can trust I will give you some insight into your personal life,” he joked.

She laughed, then she stood up, “Thanks Garrus, I’ll let you get back to your calibrations now.”

“Anytime,” he said, “These guns aren’t going to calibrate themselves.”


	5. Chapter 5

Joan wasn’t sure why she decided to put on the formal dress that Kasumi made her wear on their undercover mission, she almost regretted it as she walked into the elevator. But it was too late to turn back. She supposed she wanted to look nice for Kaidan.

The elevator doors pinged open. She was so entranced in her thoughts she didn’t notice she almost bumped into Thane, “Oh, fu- “

He gently grabbed her by her elbows to keep her from falling, “Are you all right?”

It took her a moment to compose herself, “Yes, thank you for catching me.”

“Of course, anytime,” he answered, letting her arms gently slide down to her sides, his eyes quickly looked her over and then met hers as he realized that she was still looking at him, “You look lovely.”

Joan felt her face get a little hot, she felt embarrassed, not once did she ever blush, “Thank you, Thane.”

“What’s the occasion? If I may ask.”

She suddenly felt shy, “I have a vid comm with someone, just wanted to look nice.”

His gaze on her face didn’t waver, “Ah,” he placed his hands behind his back, “Someone you’re interested in?”

He noticed her face go a bit rigid, “I’m sorry,” he apologized, “It’s not my business.”

“Oh, no, its fine,” she reassured him, “Honestly, its someone I used to be romantic with… now I’m not so sure. I suppose that’s what this vid comm is about. To figure out what is going on.”

“Well,” he said, “I hope things work out for the both of you, in whatever way possible.”

His voice sounded a bit disappointed, but she figured she was just reading into it too much, “Thank you, Thane.”

He nodded and proceeded into the elevator. Joan watched him as he pressed his destination into the small terminal in the elevator. He turned and his eyes met hers, for one moment, she saw a flicker of sadness in his eyes before the doors closed. She knew that she wasn’t reading into that one too much.

Her heart fluttered again, at the thought of him being upset. Did he have feelings for her? It was impossible, they barely knew each other. She shook her head and continued on to the comm room.

As the doors closed behind her, she prompted EDI,” Yes, Commander?”

“Connect me with Commander Kaidan Alenko, EDI.”

“Right away, Commander.”

She stood there for a minute before she saw him standing there. He was in an office, it looked like he was in Anderson’s office at the Presidium. He was dressed in casual wear, likely on shore leave.

“Shepard,” he said, “Thanks for calling.”

“Thanks for suggesting I call, Kaidan,” she replied.

“You look beautiful, as ever,” he complimented. She nodded, the compliment was appreciated, but she could sense that he only said it to cover up what he really wanted to say.

“Thank you, Kaidan,” she put her arms behind her, “You’re looking pretty good yourself, I assume you’re on shore leave now.”

He ran his hand through his hair, “Yeah, Anderson suggested I take a few weeks off after Horizon.”

“I see,” she wasn’t sure what else to say. Horizon was still a very delicate subject. She could sense the tension even over the vid comm.

“Joan,” he started, “Look, I suggested we do this because I care about you. More than you know. That message I sent you, well, it was true. I meant every word…”

She could sense there was more to it, “Go on. I’m listening.”

“I wanted to do this because you have a right to know what is going on,” he paused, hesitating, not looking at her, “In the message, I mentioned having drinks with a doctor. After seeing you on Horizon, I wasn’t sure if I could do that. Realizing you were alive, it made me feel the way I did when we were together on the Normandy, but, I don’t know if you’re the same person anymore. And the fact that you’re with Cerberus… I can’t get past the fact that you’re working with them. So I decided to take my chances and continue seeing the doctor.”

Joan guessed where this conversation was heading, she stood tall and firm, her face stoic as he continued, “And, I realized that… I… I like her. I’m not saying it will last, but… I-“

So many emotions were running through her right now; hurt, anger, acceptance, but she held her ground and refused to display any emotion about the situation. She grasped what he was saying, “You’re free to move on, Kaidan.”

He finally looked up at her, his eyes were watery, as if it hurt him to do this, he opened his mouth to say something, but Joan lifted up her hand, “Wait, before you say anything. I just want to tell you that I understand, you did your mourning for me. I don’t expect you to wait around for me forever. If this is what you want, I will not stand in your way.”

He breathed out, “Thank you, Shepard, please, just do one thing for me?”

She crossed her arms and nodded, “Sure.”

“Please, be careful.”

She tilted her head up slightly.

“Goodbye, Commander,” Kaidan whispered.

“Goodbye,” Joan said. The comm cut off and the lights in the room came back on. She mumbled to herself, “Kaidan,” as if saying his name silently would give her that last piece of closure she needed. She turned and walked out of the comm room, still keeping her head up. Not letting the tears that were gathering up in her eyes fall out.


	6. Chapter 6

Thane wandered the halls of the Normandy by himself. He assumed everyone was asleep because the silence was almost deafening. Normally, he stayed holed up in his area in the life support room, he was a very closed off person, keeping away from people that he didn’t know.

He decided on heading down to the shuttle bay; which was the one area of the ship that no one inhabited. As he entered the elevator, his thoughts went back to Shepard and when he bumped into her. She was… striking. Of course, he felt it was best to keep his distance. He didn’t know much, but he guessed she was in a very complicated relationship. Something he didn’t want to interfere with.

As the elevator doors to the shuttle bay opened, he heard grunting. As if someone was hitting something. Using his assassin’s skills, he silently headed toward the sound. He climbed the cargo boxes and took a seat at the top; the vison below was spectacular to say the least.

It was Shepard. She seemed to be hitting a punching bag that was attached to the end of a crane. Her body was glistening with sweat; she wore a small, black, thin strapped shirt that was cut off in the abdominal area, her black shorts looked like they were cut offs. Her hair was pulled back in her normal bun, with strands hanging over the front of her face. It looked like she was hitting the thing for awhile, he could see the tendons in her arms.

He sensed anger in her. Silently, he dropped down from the crates and landed behind her. Almost immediately, she turned and threw a swift right hook. Swiftly, he evaded the hit and grabbed her arm, then he pulled her towards him and spun her around. Both of her arms were caught in his grasp as he held his grip on her.

“What the hell?”

“I apologize,” he said, letting her arms free, “But you almost hit me, in all fairness I was trying to keep that from happening.”

She turned to face him, breathing hard, “What are you doing here?”

He put his arms behind his back, a gesture he normally did when he was awaiting something, “I was wandering the ship; I thought since this area of the ship was not occupied I might come and explore,” he took a step towards her, “I found you here instead.”

She reached for a towel that was on one of the crates to his right hand side, she dried off the sweat on her face as she said, “Quiet footsteps.”

“The upside to being an assassin,” he said, “I work quietly, remember?”

“I remember,” she threw the towel aside and reached for a small canteen with water in it, she took a drink and then asked, “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Not really,” he replied, his curiosity about her anger won him over, and he couldn’t help but mention it, “You are enraged.”

“Is it that obvious?”

He shrugged, slightly. He was aware that she was timid about the subject, but he pressed, simply because he wanted to help her get rid of these emotions, “What has you feeling irate?”

She stared at him, and slowly she started, “I was seeing a man, before I died,” she sat down on one of the smaller crates, he stayed in his place, “He was a good man. But, since I came back, I saw him once. On Horizon, after a Collector attack.”

She took a moment before continuing, “He was upset that I was with Cerberus. Confused that I was still alive. I understand it was a lot for him to take in. Anyways, I wasn’t sure where we stood. If we were still together or not. When I spoke to him earlier, well… I got my answer. I realized that I’m not angry with him, I’m angry that I was dead for two years.”

She shook her head and looked down, almost as if she was ashamed to open up about her feelings. Thane decided to offer her some words of comfort, “You cannot change what happened to you. These things just happen, whether we want them to or not.”

She stared at him for a moment, “You speak from personal experience?”

He walked towards her, arms still behind his back, he stopped when he was an arm’s length from her, “Yes.”

She sighed and then changed the subject, “You know the last time we spoke, you spoke of a past even as if you were watching it.”

“Drell have perfect memories, we can relive any moment of our lives with perfect clarity, it’s difficult to control at times, some of us disappear into- hmm-let’s call it solipsism.”

“What do you mean, ‘solipsism’?”

“When a memory feels as real as life, it’s as valid as life, thinking about a moment brings back the smell of cut grass, the warmth of another’s hand on yours, the taste of another’s tongue in your mouth,” he paused, and his gaze turned somewhat intense as he continued, “wouldn’t you rather lose yourself in such a memory than spend the night alone, staring at walls of metal and plastic?”

“I suppose so,” she answered. The answer sent small shivers down his spine. He didn’t know why.

They were quiet for a moment before she spoke up, “I think I’ll be heading off to bed now.”

She started gathering her things. Thane continued to stand there, not moving, watching her every move. Even without the makeup, with her hair a mess, she was still exquisite. Shepard looked at him now, “Thank you, for your words.”

“Of course,” he replied. He moved aside to let her pass. She flashed him a quick smile before heading towards the elevator. Thane stood there, not moving. In his heart, he felt a small tingling. The tingling one gets when they start to feel a warmness towards someone.


	7. Chapter 7

Joan finished speaking with both Jack and Miranda, her nerves were through the roof with these two. Jack was upset that Miranda wouldn’t admit what Cerberus did to the biotic kids was wrong. Their banter annoyed the shit out of her. Luckily, she managed to calm them both down and made them keep the peace, at least until the mission was over. After that, they could have a biotic battle for all she cared.

She found herself heading the life support room. Her conversation with Thane the other night made her feel better about her situation. Sure she got dumped. Sure she died, she knew now that there were some things you just couldn’t control, and that you just had to live with it.

As she walked into the life support room, she found Thane sitting at the table, looking out of the life support window at the ship’s core, “Do you need something?”

“Just wanted to talk,” she answered.

“If you wish,” he said, looking back at her.

She went and took a seat in front of him, “When we were speaking the other night you were talking to me about your memories. It got me thinking, isn’t there a risk that you could lose yourself in bad memories?”

“Of course, remembering the times I’ve taken bullets is… unpleasant. But I can look at my knee and see its not shattered. The memories that are hard to escape are those of despair.”

Joan was interested now, “You can remember everything that happened in your life?”

He leaned forward, his hands clasped together on the table, “Nearly, I expect if we relived the birth trauma we’d never recover from it.”

For some strange reason, Joan found that funny. She bursted out laughing. Thane looked at her, amused, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just something that is true. I don’t think I’d ever recover from a memory like that.”

He gave her a slight smile.

She managed to collect herself before asking another question, “You can relive every assassination you’ve ever made?”

“In perfect detail. Every mistake I made, every target’s last breath.”

Joan thought about that for a moment, she wondered how she’d feel if she remembered every single detail of every death she caused, she would probably feel awful, “That sounds difficult, at any moment you can relive the guilt.”

“Guilt? No. I’ve never felt any particular guilt about my contracts. My employers killed them, my body was only the tool they used.”

She thought about that, and they debated for a while about how he couldn’t take responsibility for the people he has killed. To an extent, she supposed he made sense. In his own way. Joan had to admit, the more she spoke to him, the more she found him attractive. It wasn’t his looks, because, he was very good looking. For an alien. Weird. It was his mind that she found enticing.

A thought crossed her mind, “Last time we spoke you remembered one of your assassinations, something about sunset colored eyes…”

Thane leaned back, “Ah, that time,” he paused and then, she noticed him slip into the memory, “ _Laser dot trembles on the skull, spice on the spring wind, sunset eyes… defiant in the scope_.”

He came out of the memory and continued, “A… bystander noticed my spotting laser and threw herself between me and the target. She couldn’t see me, but she stared me down.”

“It was odd that you just mentioned that; another vivid drell memory?”

He stumbled a little as he answered, “Not… no. She was a vivid person.”

“Did you take the shot?”

“Not… that day,” he uttered. The room was quiet for a few moments. Thane looked like he was concentrated on something. Joan took that as a cue to return to her duties, there was lots to do and no shortage of it.

“I should get going,” she declared, breaking the silence and straightening up from the chair in front of Thane, she took a few steps before he spoke.

“Shepard, I appreciate these chats we have,” he revealed.

“You’ve spent a lot of your life alone, Thane,” she replied.

Thane chuckled, “Work fulfilled me, reading… I barely spoke to anyone outside of my family. It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die.”

His voice was quiet, but sincere, “You’re the only friend I’ve made in ten years.”

 _Friend._ For some strange reason, she couldn’t accept being just his friend. Suddenly, Joan realized that she wanted more, “Friend huh? Well, that’s a start.”

“A start?” Thane asked, captivated, he chuckled, “That’s… intriguing.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains both POV's from Thane and Joan. The big breaks are the shift in the POV's, in case you had a hard time understandign what was going on. :)

Thane stared at the ceiling. His arms were crossed behind his head; he could hear the soft humming of the Normandy, the quiet banter of the people moving in the halls outside. His thoughts kept going back to the conversation with Shepard. He wasn’t sure what to make of it.

A part of him was convinced that she was starting to get feelings for him, of course, he was also sure that she probably said that because she was lonely. He knew a little bit about her previous relationship, courtesy of Tali; who answered his questions without judgement. He supposed she understood that he was interested in Shepard.

His eyes closed. In his mind, he saw her. His Irikah. Her sunset eyes glistening with the dim light of the sky; her face was fading away, quickly being replaced by another. Eyes the color of ice, hair as dark as the shadows in the night, fair skin with beautiful rosy cheeks. High cheekbones with a delicate nose and beautiful, full, big lips. Shepard.

He knew it. He found, in that moment, that he truly cared for her. Thane decided, though, that he would keep his feelings inside. For now, at least. Until he was sure that she felt the same way about him.

 

Joan was surprised that Garrus wasn’t pissed off about her not letting him kill Sidonis. She suspected that he might have blown her head off to get his shot at him, not that she didn’t trust Garrus, but there was a fire in him that she never knew was there. The fire of rage. But she knew that wasn’t who the real Garrus was, she refused to let him compromise who he was for an act of revenge.

So as they sat at the lounge of the Normandy on the port side of the ship, she felt a sense of accomplishment. Knowing that her friend was still the same and harbored no resentment for her actions.

“I’m glad you convinced me not to kill him,” Garrus said, taking a drink of the blue liquor in his cup, “You’re right, I don’t have to jeopardize who I am, C-Sec got him. Which is the next best thing.”

“I just didn’t want you to lose yourself,” Joan responded, “I need you for this mission. You’re my partner.”

“Speaking of,” he started, “How are you doing? With the whole Kaidan thing?”

Joan finished her drink and poured herself another glass, “I’m fine, actually. He deserves to be happy, even if it’s not with me.”

“How very noble of you, Shepard,” he teased, taking another drink, “It’s a good thing you’re not tied down by an old flame, now you are free to move on as well.”

“And what makes you think I will be moving on?”

Garrus laughed, and poured himself and Joan another drink, “C’mon Shepard, maybe the other crew members don’t see it, but Tali and I do. We see the way you look at Thane when he walks by. You stare at him, almost like you’re drunk.”

Joan’s body tensed, “What?”

“You don’t have to play stupid. I say, if you want to be with him, be with him. You deserve some bits of happiness after all this shit… you do like him, right?”

She sighed, she hadn’t had time to sort out her feelings about him. She did like him, but she wasn’t sure if it was a good time to be with someone, “Actually… yes. I do like him. But after all this mess with Kaidan- “

“Fuck Kaidan!”

Joan spilled her drink as she heard that, her laughter echoed in the room. Garrus wasn’t the type of turian that swore out loud, unless he was drunk. Which he clearly was.

“It’s just that,” he paused, trying to choose his words carefully, “We also see the way he looks at you; I’ve spoken to him a few times and he seems an intelligent sort. Tali likes him. We actually think you two would be perfect.”

“Garrus, I highly doubt that now is the time to get into a relationship,” she took a drink, “Collector threat, remember?”

“Isn’t that reason enough? You could end up dying tomorrow, wouldn’t you want to die knowing that you had someone that really wanted to be with you?”

She stared at Garrus. He was right. He knew he was right because he simply nodded and chugged the last of his drink, almost smug, “Well, I’ve had enough for one night… or day… I can never tell which one it is in space. Always dark. I’m going to go do some calibrations…”

He stumbled out of the lounge and into the hall, “After I take a nap.”

Joan sat there by herself. It was a good thing that Kasumi decided to spend some time in the armory with Jacob, or stalking Jacob silently.

In her heart, she knew what Garrus had said was true. Who would have known that the son of a bitch was deep?

She cared about Thane, a lot. She found herself thinking about him constantly. Even when they go on their missions, she feels most comfortable when she brings him along. Their friendly banter, the way he shoots down any enemies before they reach her. She admitted right then, to herself, that she wanted to be with him.


	9. Chapter 9

Joan was exhausted. After the events on Tuchanka; fighting a thresher maw alongside Grunt and Thane, and then fighting members of the blood pack with Mordin and Garrus to get to Mealon, she just felt drained. But, she was aware that Thane needed to speak to her, so she made it a point to head straight down to the life support area after she finished speaking with Mordin.

Mordin was a strange salarian. Many of them were known to be like hamsters on coffee, but Mordin was something else. She felt sorry for the doctor, she was being a bit of a bitch to him back on Tuchanka. What with all the whole Genophage ordeal. She knew she shouldn’t have said the things she said to him, almost criticizing him. Not like she was any better.

She breathed in deeply as she neared he life support area. Ever since her conversation with Garrus, she came to the conclusion that she had really strong feelings for Thane, and it made her nervous. It had been awhile since she was with a man; it had a lot to do with her being dead. She came back and thought that maybe things would be different with Kaidan. That didn’t go as planned. She wasn’t sure what to do with these emotions.

Thane was standing with this back towards her, he was looking out at the core, “Shepard.”

“Chambers said you wanted to see me, is there something wrong?”

“Yes, now that you are here though,” he paused, a hint of worry in his voice, “it seems more difficult to talk about.”

Her mind automatically went to his health, she couldn’t hide the concern in her voice, “Are you feeling sick? I can get the doctor for you,” she said, getting ready to get Chakwas.

“No, no,” he reassured her, turning to face her, “though I suppose that is a part of it, my mortality has me… dwelling on things.”

He was silent for a moment, Joan kept her gaze on him as he walked towards the panels with his weapons on them, “I had a family once. I still have a son; his name is Kolyat. I haven’t seen him for a very long time.”

Joan stood there, dumbfounded, not sure what to make of this revelation. She walked towards him, standing at his side, “How long has it been since you talked?”

His eyes met hers then, “Ten years. He showed me some of his schoolwork and asked if we could dance crazy. We did that when he was younger.”

Shepard smirked, the thought of Thane dancing was interesting to say the least. He didn’t look like a dancer, “What sort of dance is that?”

“Its- “

Just then, the drell slipped into a memory. He spoke of a moment with his son, music playing in the background. Dancing with his son. A bonding moment shared between father and son. It was interrupted by his console beeping. Ignoring his son to check who his new target would be.

As he slipped out of the memory, he looked down momentarily. Shame plastered on his face for a few moments, before he looked up at her again, his eyes filled with regret.

She automatically thought the worst, “Did something happen to them?”

Thane looked back at the guns, “I abandoned them; not all at once. Nothing dramatic, no sneaking out in the middle of the night. No final argument or slammed door. I just…did my job. I hunted and killed across the galaxy. ‘Away on business’ my wife would tell people. I was always away on business.”

“You never mentioned this before…”

“When my wife departed from her body… I… attended to that issue. I left Kolyat in the care of his aunts and uncles. I have not seen him or talked to him since.”

Joan tried her best not to sound condescending or judgmental as she asked, “Why didn’t you go back to him?”

“My body is blessed with the skills to take life; the Hanar honed them in me, I have few others, I didn’t want that life for Kolyat. I hoped he would find his own way, if he hated me, so be it. He would not have shared the path of sin,” he hesitated and turned his full body to look at her directly as he continued, “I used my contacts to trace Kolyat, he has become… disconnected. He does what his body wills.”

Joan was a bit curious as to what he meant by disconnected, Thane patiently explained that Kolyat did what his body willed, not his spirit. It was a backtrack to the lesson he taught her a few weeks ago, about the spirit and the body needing to work together to bring harmony to an individual, they were two separate things. He went on to explain that Kolyat somehow got wind of what his father was. The things he’s done.

Thane mentioned making a box for his son that contained information about his life, so he could understand who his father was. He had arranged for it to be sent to him when Thane passed, but a mistake happened and Kolyat received the package earlier than intended. His resources relayed to Thane that Kolyat took a job on the Citadel as an assassin. This worried the drell greatly, as he did not want his son to follow in his footsteps. She suggested that he name dropped him to get hired, this upset the drell a bit, he did not feel his name was something to be respected.

Joan thought about his for a moment, “Thane, I don’t have your resources or your contacts, I don’t see how much help I’d be.”

He sneered for a moment, “Honestly, I don’t need your help. But, I want you to help me. I would be more comfortable with you there to assist me in preventing him from doing something foolish. That last time I saw him was- _they wrapped her body in the sea vines. Weighted, with stones. He tries to pull from me. Calls for her. The Hanar lift her off the platform, they sing, like bells, ‘the fire has gone to be kindled anew’. He begs them not to take her away. They let her body slide into the water. He hits me, ‘Don’t let them! Stop them! Why won’t you- ‘. It rains. It always rains on Kahje. Warm water pours down his face_.”

Shepard watched him as the memory passed, he lifted his head slowly and caught her gaze, not saying a word. She immediately felt a pang of remorse, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you relive that.”

“Perfect memory, it is sometimes a burden.”

“I’ll get us to the Citadel as soon as possible,” she promised.

“Thank you, Shepard,” he took a quick bow and returned to the table, “I will be meditating until you need me.”


	10. Chapter 10

It would be awhile before they reached the Citadel. Joan took it upon herself to catch a few moments of rest, if she could. Her mind was still processing these bits of information from Thane’s life.

A son. A wife. Dead. That explained why he was always so closed off. She imagined what that would do to a person. The death of someone they loved dearly… the thought made her think of Kaidan. Somehow, she completely sympathized with him now. Getting some insight into Thane’s life made her realize how her death affected the people that cared about her.

That was how Thane was able to offer up a bit of advice that night, as she pounded away at the punching back. He experienced it firsthand.

She felt that this news would make her change how she felt about him, but it didn’t. In reality, it just made her want to hold him. Protect him. To hug him and let him know that he would be fine… and she hoped that he would return her affections.

Her last thoughts as she drifted off to sleep were of oceans, and big, black eyes, staring at her lovingly.

 

Thane watched, engrossed in the scene in front of him. Watching Shepard interrogate the man who hired Kolyat; Elias Kelham. He blended into the background as he saw her handle Kelham with brute force. He wasn’t sure that was the way to go at it, it seemed he was trying to get her to lose her temper, which was clearly working.

He pulled her aside for a moment to let her know they were running out of time.

“Are we done yet? Cause I got people to see…”

She glided towards Kelham and punched him in the jaw, “Keep your mouth shut, Kelham.”

Just then, his advocate walked into the room and expressed outrage at his client being in restraints., “What is this? Is that blood on his face? Did you hit him?”

Kelham spoke up, “Glad you could make it, Freddy.”

“Traffic was bad,” he spoke, lighting a cigarette, “You’ll need a shovel the size of the Citadel to dig yourself out of this.”

Shepard scoffed doubtfully before speaking, “This is all above board, I’m a council Spectre.”

Thane was bemused as he saw the lawyer jump up in shock, “Shit!”

“What?” What does that mean Freddy?”

“Spectres can do what they want, Elias,” he explained to his client, “I can’t help you.”

Impatiently, Shepard intervened, “If it was you I wanted, I could kill you and go. No questions asked. But I don’t,” she walked towards Kelham, and in a dangerous tone spoke, “I want the assassin.”

Almost immediately, he gave up the name of the target, a turian politician by the name of Joram Talid. Shepard nodded and motioned for Thane to follow him out of the room.

He had to admit. There was something about a woman with power that drove him a little crazy.

Bailey explained to them who the target was and where they could find him, he even offered them a ride to the 800 apartments.

The ride to the apartments was silent. His eyes were fixed on Shepard, who was sitting in the front seat, lost in deep thought. He tried to rip his eyes off of her, but it was like he was stuck in a trance. He was so drawn in by her. How passionate she was in helping him find his son, and although he did not condone it, how she went as far as to almost beat a man to death to get the information she needed.

Suddenly, she turned her head and met his stare. Not knowing what to do, he smirked sheepishly. His smirk was returned with a smile and a playful roll of her eyes as she turned to look forward.

He breathed out slowly, and turned his eyes out of the window. The Citadel had changed over the years. He hadn’t been there in so long. His mind went to Kolyat, and hoping that they reached him in time.


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard stood with Thane, both of them scouting the area, looking for Talid. She finally spotted him, speaking with a group of voters, “There he is. How do you want to play this?”

Thane looked up at catwalks on the ward, “Follow Talid on the maintenance catwalks, tell me what he’s doing. The Krogan bodyguard will make him easy to follow.”

She nodded, “Where will you be?”

He stepped forward, and looking back over his shoulder slightly, he answered, “The darkest corner with the best view.”

As she was walking away, she heard him say a prayer, “Amonkira, lord of hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true and my feet swift. And if the worst should come to pass, grant me forgiveness.”

She turned back to see where he had gone, and sure enough, he vanished.

Hm. The assassin was as good as they said.

 

The sight of the Turian and his Krogan bodyguard shaking down business disgusted her. If there was one thing she hated, was crooked politicians. Or just politics in general. She knew how the game was played, she has been a player in their lies and schemes, that didn’t mean she had to enjoy it.

She kept Thane updated on their whereabouts and kept a lookout for Kolyat. She wasn’t sure how he looked, but all she had to look for was another drell. Bailey said so himself, they didn’t get very many drell. Nothing yet.

As she entered the other door towards the 800 apartments, she noticed a movement down below. A blue drell, his hand on his face. As if debating if he should go through with what was about to happen. She jogged closer to get a better look and saw as the drell pushed a bystander aside and take out a gun, on instinct, she yelled, “Kolyat!”

The gun fired but he missed the Turian, by an inch. The Krogan pushed the Talid forward and got shot in the process. Kolyat ran after Talid as Shepard radioed his father, “Thane?”

“I saw,” he said, as she jumped off the catwalk and met him at her side.

They neared Talid’s apartment and saw the door wide open; hearing the sound of scuffling inside, Joan double timed her steps. As she neared the living room, she saw that Kolyat had Talid on his knees, a pistol to his head. As if he was about to execute him. Joan stopped a few paces in front of him, gun loaded and ready.

Thane spoke before anyone could do anything, “Kolyat.”

“This is a joke… now? Now you show up?”

Talid spoke, pleading, “Help me, drell, I’ll do whatever you want.”

In that instant, Captain Bailey entered the apartment with a few other C-Sec officers, all with their guns trained on Kolyat, “C-Sec, put the gun down, son.”

“Out of my way! I’m walking out, he’s coming with me,” he added, looking down at the Turian.

Thane took a few steps forward, pausing a few feet from Kolyat, “They’ll have snipers outside.”

Kolyat started to rant to his father, “I don’t need your help- “

Joan shot at the lamp next to Kolyat; this kid needed a wakeup call. And he needed it now; he was stunned for a moment, losing focus on his target. It gave Joan the opportunity to punch him in the face and disarm him.

“Talid, get the hell out of here,” she told the turian, who was getting onto his feet.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll do that,” he stumbled out of the apartment. No one stopped him.

Bailey commanded one of his officers, “Take the boy into custody.”

Kolyat was outraged, yelling at his father, “You son of a bitch!”

“Your father doesn’t have a lot of time left, Kolyat,” Joan intervened, “He’s trying to make up for his mistakes.”

Kolyat scoffed, distrustfully, “What? So you came to get my forgiveness? So you could die in peace or something?”

Thane, still quiet and patient, finally took the last steps toward his son, “I came to grant you peace. You’re angry because I wasn’t there when your mother died.”

“You weren’t there when she was alive, why should you be there when she died?!”

Thane was silent. The confrontation was something that was taking a small toll on him; it was a part of his life that he did not want to go back to, but he finally answered, “Your mother… they killed her to get to me. It was my fault.”

“What?”

“After her body was given to the deep, I went to find them; the triggermen, the ringleaders. I hurt them. Eventually killed them. When I went back to see you, you were…older… I should have stayed with you.”

“I guess it’s too bad for me you waited so long, huh?”

You could hear the pain and truth in his words as he spoke them, “Kolyat, I’ve taken many bad things out of the world. You are the only good thing I ever added to it.”

Kolyat hung his head. Captain Bailey then offered to give them a private room in C-Sec, so both of the drells could sort out their mistakes. Joan was mildly shocked, until the Captain mentioned children being astray, and seeing Thane actually set his son straight. She guessed it was from a personal experience. Silently, they all left Talid’s apartment, and headed back to C-Sec, where Thane might just have a chance to rebuild a bond with his son.


	12. Chapter 12

Joan convinced Bailey to drop the charges on Thane’s son, the last thing the older drell needed was to be worrying about his son being incarcerated for something stupid. That was an upside. Thane was grateful that she assisted him; of course, anything for him.

As they walked into the Normandy, Thane spoke up, “I would like to speak with you, alone, Shepard. If that’s fine with you.”

“Sure,” she motioned for Garrus to board without them, who gave her a knowing look with a half-smile. Together, she and Thane headed towards the end of the docking bay; on the edge of the platform, overlooking the Citadel. The view was beautiful as it was getting darker. The lights bright, illuminating the steel of the station. It was a sight to behold.

“I want to thank you for your assistance, I’m glad that you were able to get him off of any charges,” he said, his arms on the railing.

She leaned against the rail as well, “No problem, I figured jail time wouldn’t put him on the right path. Besides, I’m sure Bailey will help him out.”

He straightened up and put his hands behind his back, “Our problems are not something that can be fixed right away, it will take time. But I never got a chance to explain, I suppose the story of my wife’s death took you by surprise.”

She shrugged, “I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”

He tilted his head slightly, “I appreciate that, your patience. I kept my home clean of my work life, I supposed that would be enough to protect Irikah. The memory I mentioned before- _Laser dot trembles on the skull, spice on the spring wind. Sunset eyes defiant in the scope_ \- that was Irikah.”

Thane paused and started to pace, not nervously, more like someone who is deep in thought, “That was how I met her.”

“Odd way to meet somebody,” she chimed.

He chuckled, “Yes; she spotted my targeting laser as she walked by and threw herself in the way.”

“How did she go from blocking your shot to having your children?”

He leaned against the railing again, his elbows pressed against the steel, hands clasped together, “I had to meet her; the memory possessed and endowed me. I fell on my knees before her and begged her forgiveness. She introduced me to the world beyond my work. Eventually, she forgave me. Later, she loved me.”

Joan couldn’t hide the small sense of jealousy, it seeped into her words, “I guess she impressed you.”

Thane didn’t catch it, “She woke me up- _her body trembles, not fear, indignation. Her mouth moves, ‘how dare you?_ ’- you and I are trained to sacrifice ourselves, to save others,” his eyes were on her now, not wavering, “How often does a civilian throw herself in front of a bullet to protect a stranger? I thought she was the Goddess Arashu. She met my eyes through the scope. And my purpose faltered.”

“When you talked to Kolyat, you said she died…”

His head bowed, he was looking out towards the Citadel city lights, “I let myself become complacent. I thought Irikah and Kolyat were safe, I stayed away too long. And my enemies came for her. Batarians. A slaver ring,” his head turned and he met her gaze again, “I’d killed their leaders. They paid the shadow broker to find out who I was. But they were afraid of me, so they went after her.”

 _Cowards_ , she thought. “You told Kolyat that you hunted her killers down…”

“Irikah woke me up, when she passed, I returned to my battle sleep. My body hunted her killers. I hurt them. I was taught to grant death quickly, cleanly, to minimize suffering. Them… I let them linger.”

“You were operating on instinct. By your own rules, you can’t blame yourself.”

“But I made the choice to hunt them. They’re the only lives Ive taken on my own choice, the only deaths on my own conscience.”

Thane leaned back, clasping his hands behind his back again, “I haven’t spoken of my wife in- I don’t think I’ve ever spoken of her. I didn’t have anyone left to tell it to.”

She sighed, “You have me,” she let go of the railing too and took a few steps towards Thane so she was an arm’s length from him, “I’m here for you, Thane. For anything. Even if it is just to talk.”

His stare was steady, but gentle, “You are very kind,” he took one small step forward, “Thank you, Siha.”

Joan tilted her head, confused, “What did you call me?”

“Siha,” his dark eyes were somewhat mischievous as he stepped a little closer.

“What does that mean?” She was feeling a little nervous, having him this close to her. It was one thing to have him close to her in gunfights, it was another when he was staring directly at her, their faces almost touching.

He was quiet for a moment; his face was intense as he touched hers gently. Their heads were closing the distance between them, slowly. Her heart was beating fast as she longed for the taste of his lips against hers.

“Uhm, Commander?”

And just like that, he pulled away. Joan swallowed down the embarrassment as she answered Miranda, “What is it, Miranda?”

“The Illusive Man has been trying to contact you, he thinks you’ve been ignoring his messages. He wants you to check on a Cerberus facility with a rogue VI right away.”

“I’ll be on board in a moment,” she said, giving Miranda the evil eye.

Miranda smirked, “Of course, Commander.”

As Miranda walked towards the Normandy, Joan turned towards Thane who was staring off into the distance again. He turned to look at her and smiled slightly. Joan returned his smile as she crossed her arms, “You going to tell me what a Siha is?”

He let go of the railing, putting his hands in the pockets of his coat as he leaned in slightly, a small smile, “One day, I’ll tell you what it means.”

She watched, stunned, but smiling, as he walked towards the Normandy; in that cool, mysterious confident way only he could.


	13. Chapter 13

Joan’s mind kept racing back to the kid they rescued from the Cerberus facility. Even with Jacob, Miranda and Mordin going on about the Collector threat and how they needed to install the Reaper IFF right away, all she could think was how much she wanted to put a bullet through the Illusive Man’s head.

They were working towards the same goal, but to run tests on a boy. David. The one that could speak to the Geth. She felt sadness as she remembered the tears escaping his eyes when she was releasing him from the tubes and clamps that held him propped up like an animal.

“Shepard?”

She came out of her daze immediately after hearing Mordin’s voice, “Yes?”

“Biting nails. Bleeding. Need to take look,” he said, grabbing her hand.

She wasn’t aware that she was doing it. It was an old tick she used to have from her days back on Earth, when she was angry, “I’m fine Mordin.”

“Yes. Regardless, need to clean and bandage. Tell Chakwas,” he said dropping her hand.

Joan immediately crossed her arms and looked up as Miranda asked, “Should we set a plot to retrieve the IFF?”

“I think it’s the best idea; we already got everything else done, the Collectors aren’t resting and each minute we wait the scale tips in their favor and more colonies are abducted,” Jacob put in.

“You think everyone is up for the task? As soon as we get it I want to hit that Omega-4 relay, I can’t delay any more than necessary and I want to make sure everyone is one hundred percent focused,” Joan said.

“I’m sure everyone’s business is taken care of; no one has had any more troubling issues. The last one was Thane, and you more than attended to that,” Jacob spoke, the venom in his words was obvious. She wondered why he was indifferent towards Thane.

“Is there a problem, Jacob?”

He sighed, “No, ma’am. Just don’t trust him.”

“Look, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Miranda and Jack, put it aside. We’re all going to have to work together and in order to do that, you have to trust each other. I don’t give a damn if you don’t like each other, but I expect you all to cover each other’s backs when the time comes, understood?”

She looked at Miranda pointedly, to make sure that her statement was directed at her as well.

Miranda nodded, and Jacob answered, “Yes, I’m sorry.”

“Good, now,” she put her hands in her pockets, to avoid biting her nails again, “We’ll plot a course to retrieve the Reaper IFF once Joker is ready; I hear he’s exhausted and I only trust the ship in his hands. Make sure he gets rest once we dock at the fuel depot to fill up, Miranda. At least for a few hours.”

“Yes, Commander, I’ll head over to him right away.”

Jacob saluted her and Mordin smiled as they walked out. She stayed in the comm room for a while longer; still thinking about David.

She knew she made the right decision in sending him to Grissom Academy. But she still couldn’t get the image out of her head; how many more children did Cerberus have as science tests?

_Knock it off, Joan_. She thought to herself. She shook her head.

Thane. She figured she could use the distraction right now, and he was a very good distraction. She half ran as she headed towards the elevator. As she waited for the dreaded thing to stop on the crew deck, she figured that she would try to see if someone could get the damned thing to move faster whenever she got the chance. She wasn’t being picky, she got the Normandy back. But with the amount of credits they put in to rebuilding the ship you would think they would at least put in a decent elevator that didn’t take fifty damn years to move.

The door tolled open and she bumped into Thane.

“Are you hurt, Siha?” He asked, as she rubbed her elbow.

“Oh, no, I’m fine,” she reassured him, the concern in his face was adorable, “I was actually looking for you.”

“Interesting,” he replied, hands behind his back, “I was just about to inform Chambers that I was looking for you.”

“Huh,” she said.

“Would you-?” he asked, motioning towards the life support area, where he stayed.

She nodded, and he moved aside to let her pass, almost as if asking her to lead the way. She could vaguely hear his footsteps as he followed behind her, once inside the room, she stood near the window as he sat down in the empty chair at the table, directly in front of her.

“Have you spoken to Kolyat?”

“I recorded a message for him, we’ve been keeping in contact. He has informed that Bailey has given him work in C-Sec.”

“Yeah he mentioned that to me in a message, wanted me to let you know he was doing good,” she said, her hands still in her pockets.

“I appreciate the message,” he said, clasping his hands together, funny how he always did that.

“I’ll admit,” she started, “I’ve been thinking about you.”

He leaned forward a little, “And I you… will you hear my confession, Siha?”

She smiled, leaning lazily against the glass, “Last time we spoke you said you would tell me what a Siha is.”

“I need to explain myself to you first,” he started, “When I met Irikah, the Hanar let me leave their service to raise a family. But I had no other skills so I freelanced. When Irikah was killed, I pursued those responsible. Once I eliminated them I had no goal. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Not the healthiest attitude to have on a mission,” she interjected.

“You’re right, it’s not. Looking back now, it’s clear I resigned myself to death. I would have fulfilled my contract, if Nassana’s guards caught me afterwards, it would have been a good death.”

He stood now, and walked towards the end of the table, where he paused,” But someone else was pushing to reach the target, forcing me to move faster, challenging me. I had to reach her first.”

Trying to reel from the revelation, she stood straight now, dropping her hands out of her pockets and placing them on her hips, “I had no idea you planned to die in there.”

“My body had accepted its death, my mind had been dead a long time,” he paused, moving closer to her, “But I met another Siha, few are privileged to meet even one.”

Playfully, she added, “You still haven’t told me what a Siha is.”

He dropped his head and walked towards her, he stopped in his tracks he reached her side, staring out into the core, “One of the warrior angels of the Goddess Arashu, fearsome in wrath; a tenacious protector.”

His eyes met hers as he started, “I confess I… have come to care for you,” he bowed his head, putting his hands behind his back he turned to face her directly. His eyes met hers as he continued, “Perhaps I’m being foolish, we… are very different.”

Joan’s heart didn’t skip, if anything, she felt at ease at his confession. He had felt the same way about her after all. She turned her body to him and closed the distance between them. She reached for his hands and they intertwined together, “Then maybe I’m foolish as well.”

She saw in his eyes, a glimmer of both intrigue and hope, “Are you now?”

“Very…”

He leaned in close to her, putting his hands on her waist as she put her arms over his shoulders, “I’ve never been with another species before… I’m not sure what to do now.”

Their foreheads touched, she said, “I guess we’ll have to figure it out, together.”

The comm came to life with EDI’s voice, “Commander we are docked at the fuel depot and Joker is stating that he is not tired...”

With Thane’s hands on her waist, and her arms around him, she threatened, “Tell Joker that if he doesn’t get his ass to sleep I’m going to go up there and break his hands; then he’ll never fly.”

“A little harsh, Commander,” came Joker’s voice.

“Get your rest, now, Joker, or I will do it,” her voice was dark, but playful.

“Aye aye, Commander,” Joker resigned.

The comm was silent and Thane started, “It amuses me when you get a bit violent. You are very kind, but there is something about a woman with power and confidence that is intriguing.”

“I’m only like that occasionally,” she responded. She sighed. The thought of David crept back into her mind, Thane immediately picked up on the sudden change of her mood.

“What is it?”

Her hands fell to her side, he reached for them and noticed the dried blood on them, “What happened, Siha?”

“It’s just an old habit,” she said as he lifted her hands for a better look, “I’ve had worse wounds before.”

“But not self-inflicted; I sense there is something troubling you,” he pointed.

She shrugged softly, lifting her forehead so she can see him better, “It’s about the boy; David. I’ve been bothered by it all day. It makes me second guess if I’m doing the right thing in being allied with Cerberus.”

She slowly released herself from his gentle grasp, and took a seat on his cot, he watched as she put her elbows on her knees and cradled her face with her hands, “Siha, you’ve mentioned before that you are only aiding Cerberus in defeating the Collectors, nothing more. What they do… it’s not you.”

Joan watched him as he sat down next to her and grabbed her hand, “You set that boy free and gave him a chance at a better life. What they did to him was not your doing.”

She could hear the truth in his words, “Thane, lay with me please.”

He nodded and laid back against the cot. He gently pulled her down with him. She rested her head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. For a few moments, in a long time, she felt at ease. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep to the soft rhythm of Thane’s beating heart.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you all know, I have an account on fanfiction.net and the chapters on there are far more ahead than on here, so I will be uploading the chapters in bulk to get you all caught up with where the story is at this point. I should have mentioned this earlier but it totally slipped my mind. Either way, I hope you all enjoy it and thank you for the hits and the reads. If you have any questions or would simply like to discuss it; you can contact me on my tumblr page. I'm under sihakrios28.

Joan sat in the lounge stool with the rest of the crew. They all figured they’d have a few drinks since they retrieved the Reaper IFF. EDI was in the process of getting it installed and making sure it wasn’t faulty.

Garrus was going on about his time as Archangel on Omega; each one of them asking questions and commenting at the fascinating stories, Grunt intervened, “So, you ran from the Krogan?”

“I had to,” replied Garrus, “It was a good fight but I wouldn’t have survived the oncoming slaughter after his pack arrived.”

“HAH!”

“Smart move, did you finish him off next time?” asked Zaeed.

“With the help of some friends,” he nodded in Joan’s direction.

“Don’t forget, we helped too,” added Jacob.

“You’re both included in there,” he motioned to Miranda and Jacob.

Joan smiled at Garrus, “Anytime, buddy.”

The crew dissipated into their own small groups; Mordin, Kasumi and Tali were speaking about omni tools and technology, Zaeed and Grunt were going on about wars, Jacob and Miranda huddled together, most likely talking about the mission. Legion left the lounge to run some software updates, Jack and Samara started speaking about Samara’s life as a Justicar.

Joan relocated to the couch, watching Garrus and Thane speak; Thane as usual, had his hands clasped behind his back as he listened Garrus go on about which sniper rifle he normally liked. Fitting, Thane was an assassin and other than herself, no one else on the squad was really experienced using a high powered rifle with lots of pushback.

She finished her drink and went to pour herself another glass when she was intercepted by Mordin, “Shepard. Need to talk.”

“What’s going on?”

“Medical matters. Aware that mission is dangerous. Different species react differently to stress. Sexual activities normal as stress release. Still, recommend caution with Thane. Drell and human liaisons… complex. Thane complex as well.”

The room went silent; all eyes were on her, even Thane’s. She felt her face getting hot.

“What?!” Jack was shocked, but the look on her face displayed entertainment.

“Well it was obvious,” put in Kasumi, “Thane’s big eyes go a flutter whenever he speaks about her.”

“You owe me 100 credits, Miranda!” shouted Zaeed.

“Nice to know that my love life has been gossiped about,” Joan spat.

“It’s all good fun, Shepard,” Grunt came and pounded her back, “We just guessed and now we have a confirmation.”

Thane smiled slightly, “I think it’s best I take my leave now.”

“Oh nonsense,” started Garrus, “Stick around. And everyone, Shepard and Thane’s relationship is off topic.”

She heard of few mutters, “Fine.”

Garrus then looked at her and playfully added, “At least when they’re in the room.”

There was laughter and the babbling started up again, “Mordin. Hall. Now.”

Mordin followed Joan into the hall; surprisingly she wasn’t angry, just a little embarrassed. She started by asking Mordin, “How did you know?”

“Obvious. Body language favorable when Thane present. Always stare at him when take him on missions,” he paused, “Rumors.”

“Right; look, Thane is important to me, I don’t want to hurt him but I’m not going to walk away either.”

“Of course, hormones. Regardless, come to me when rash develops.”

“You have a recommendation as a doctor?”

“Prolonged human to drell skin contact can cause small rash, itching. Oral contact can cause mild hallucinations,” he tapped on his omni tool as he continued, “Also forwarding advice booklet to your quarters; valuable diagrams, positions comfortable for both species, erogenous zone overviews. Can supply oils or ointments to reduce discomfort. Gave EDI electronic relationship aid demonstration vids to use as necessary.”

Joan was baffled by the intake of information. She was aware that Mordin was trying to help, but she was also confused, “Hallucinations? How?”

“Drell have chemical similar to compounds put in alcohol; prolonged contact can cause sensation as if drunk,” Mordin explained.

“You’re just yanking me around, aren’t you?”

Mordin breathed in surprised, “Shocking suggestion! Doctor/patient confidentiality a sacred trust, would never dream of mockery!”

He paused then continued, “Enjoy yourself while possible, Shepard. Will be in lab studying cell reproduction. Much simpler. Less alcohol and mood music required.”

Joan’s puzzlement as she watched Mordin walk away was plastered all over her face. _Did that really just happen?_

She walked back into the lounge and replenished her drink; there weren’t any jokes. But, she did get nudged by Jack, Grunt and Zaeed. All of them with a teasing look while nodding their heads towards Thane. She just chuckled and took a seat on the couch. She was shortly joined by Garrus and Thane, who each sat on either side of her.

“Ok, so you went over how to assassinate a human, an asari and a turian,” Garrus went on, he then motioned towards Grunt, “How about a Krogan?”

Thane remained silent for a moment, “I was trained to approach a Krogan from above, I proceed to double strike on the eye ridge, after which they are blinded I slide down between the target’s rising arms. I strike a nerve on the throat, which has to be precise. After that, I strike at the secondary nerve to counter their blood rage. A quad kick to make them bend, I then grip each side of their skull and do a running leaping neck snap.”

Garrus was stunned, “I usually use bullets.”

“That works too,” Thane commented.

“And if that doesn’t work?”

Joan jumped into the conversation, “Yeah, I would imagine that failed attempts would only piss of the Krogan even more.”

They both waited as he debated on whether or not to answer this question, after a few minutes, he leaned forwards, rubbing his neck, “I bomb them.”

Joan and Garrus stared, stunned. Garrus broke the silence, “Well, if it works.”

There was a small laugh shared between the three of them. They were shortly interrupted by Miranda, “Shepard, I’m sorry to bother you but we might have to cut this short.”

“What’s going on, Miranda?”

“I received a message from the Illusive Man about securing some cargo that belonged to Cerberus. The Blue Suns are in the process of removing it from its holding place, he would like for us to retrieve it.”

She sighed silently, it was a good thing no one was drunk, “Sure,” she stood up from her seat and addressed her crew, “Alright guys, looks like we got another task from the Illusive Man, so we’re going to have to end this. I can’t have anyone getting shot because they’re intoxicated.”

There wasn’t any objection from her crew, they all understood. Some dumped their drinks, others gulped them down and they all started to clear out, with the exception of Kasumi.

She waited until everyone else walked out so she could accompany Thane on the short walk to his room.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” he asked, as the door to the lounge closed behind them.

“A bit; it was a little mortifying that Mordin blurted out what he did,” she said.

They stopped in front of his door, “Siha, it’s a natural thing. Everyone on the ship already knew about our relationship.”

“I didn’t know that they knew,” she laughed.

Thane smiled. He touched her face lightly, “One day, I would love to see you let your hair down.”

She felt herself get hot, “One day you will.”

He softly grabbed her hand and lifted it to his lips, planting a small warm kiss, “I will see you soon, Siha.”

He bowed slightly before gently letting her hand go. She nodded and he proceeded into his quarters while she walked towards the elevator. Duty called.


	15. Chapter 15

The galaxy map blinked with the location of their newest mission, she needed to see where exactly she was going.”

“Hey commander good news,” Joker’s voice rang from the intercom, “The reaper IFF is finally hooked up and ready to go.”

“That’s not entirely accurate Mr. Moreau, the device is powered but it is causing some unusual instability in other systems. I recommend a more thorough analysis before we attempt to use it.”

“We can’t put our mission on hold forever, how long will it take?”

“A full scan, who knows with this thing,” answered Joker, “maybe you’d better take the shuttle for this mission. I’ll make sure we’re up and running when you get back.”

“Commander, it’s Miranda, I’ve already notified the team, we’ll meet you on the shuttle. Once we’re closer to our destination you can decide who to take with you.”

“Then I guess I’ll head down to the shuttle,” Joan said, walking away from the galaxy map, “Joker, the ships all yours. Take care of her.”

“Aye, Aye Commander.”

The elevator made no stops on the way to the shuttle bay, she figured everyone was already waiting for her. Her thoughts were correct as she elevator doors opened and she heard the small babble of her team, all of them gearing up.

“Commander, I took the liberty of getting your armor ready,” Jacob said to her, pointing towards her black armor with green trim.

“Thank you, Jacob.”

She tried to get suited up as quickly as she could, she heard a small sigh from behind her. It was Thane.

“Hey,” she said, putting on her shoulder pads.

“Siha,” he nodded, and closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her, “I wanted to do this before this next mission.”

She chuckled, shyly,” Why? You know nothing is going to happen, at least not while I have my crew watching my back and you by my side.”

He released his hold and grabbed her hands, “I would never let anything happen to you, but I still wanted to hold you.”

She smiled, “Thank you, Thane.”

Thane softly planted a small kiss on her cheek, “I should let you finish.”

Joan smirked as she stared at his behind while he walked away. Even with that trench coat, she could make out the shape. She shook her head and put on her arm greaves. As soon as she was finished, she grabbed her weapons, and went to the shuttle door.

“Everyone ready?”

She heard a couple of yeahs and nodded, “Let’s go.”

She stood at the side of the door and watched as all of her crew shuffled in, she heard as Jack insulted Miranda, “Stay as far away as possible, cheerleader, I don’t want your Cerberus ass next to me.”

“As if I would want to be around a mentally unstable, half-naked, biotic whore,” Miranda retorted.

“Knock it off, you two,” Joan commanded, jumping into the shuttle and shutting the door behind her, “You’re grown women, act like it.”

They both scoffed, but stayed silent after. Jack took a seat towards the far end while Miranda went to the pilot’s cabin. The shuttle hummed on with power and she felt the smooth descent as they dropped into the vastness of space.

“I wish I could bring a few drinks with me,” Zaeed mused.

“So you could shoot me, again?” snapped Grunt.

“You were in the way, I kept yelling for you to move. Not my fault Krogan are stubborn,” replied Zaeed.

“Try getting shot in the asscheek,” Garrus put in, he eyed Joan then.

Jacob laughed, “Shepard doesn’t just shoot the enemies, she shoots whoever gets in her way.”

“I side with Zaeed on this one, you guys get in my way knowing very well that I will shoot almost anything in sight,” Joan defended.

“Has she shot you yet, Thane?” asked Tali.

Thane, who was silently observing everyone, answered, “She did graze the side of my arm once. I told her to adjust her aim.”

“My aim is perfect!”

“Says the bloodthirsty soldier that has shot almost everyone in her crew,” Jack said, smiling.

“Keep it up and next time I shoot you, it will be to kill,” Joan said, darkly. The crew stared at her, almost in disbelief. She smiled, “I was joking.”

“Yeah,” Garrus started, “Your jokes are just like your dancing, awful. Don’t do that.”

She flipped Garrus the bird. Small chuckles came from the crew as they continued to babble on about who knows what. She tuned them out as she turned her focus on Thane, who was meditating in the back.

Suddenly, she found herself thinking about his mortality. She knew what she was getting into when she started to have feelings for him; he was going to die eventually. The thought sent shivers down her spine and it pulled at her heart. She didn’t want him to die. She wanted him to live. She imagined that they would find a cure for Kepral’s Syndrome and maybe, just maybe, she could finally have some rest. They could both live their lives together; after the Reapers were eliminated. Maybe, it was possible.

Thane opened his eyes, and they locked gazes. His look contained a mixture of puzzlement, tranquil and grief. She was about to walk towards him when Miranda called out to her, “Shepard.”

What a way to ruin another moment, Miranda. She was starting to become a regular interruption.

She headed towards the pilot’s cabin, “What is it, Miranda?”

“We’re receiving a distress signal from the Normandy,” Miranda said.

“Connect me with them,” Joan commanded, a tone of uneasiness in her voice.

“Commander,” EDI’s voice came from the radio.

“Talk to me EDI.”

“The Normandy was attacked by the Collector ship; the crew except for Jeff has been abducted,” EDI explained. The whole crew went silent, Joan turned to look at them; horror and anger in their expressions.

“Where are you?”

“I’ve forwarded the coordinates to Jacob,” she said.

“We’ll be there as soon as we can, EDI,” Joan promised, “Miranda, get us to the Normandy.”

“But what about the Illusive- “

“The Illusive Man wants his cargo, he can go and get it himself! We’re going back to the Normandy.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Contains light smut.

Joker was upset. She could see it in his expressions that he was very distraught. Miranda was getting onto him for unshackling EDI.

“Ease up, Miranda, he did what he had to do,” Joan intervened, Joker looked upset enough as it was. She didn’t want Miranda making him feel worse than he already did.

“That was very dangerous, Shepard,” she said, “She could have interrupted the systems and- “

“But she didn’t, besides, if she wanted to kill us she would have done so a long time ago, not get Joker out alive,” she declared. She turned to Joker, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. But what about the crew?”

Jacob started, “I say we go after them right now. How’s the Reaper IFF?”

“After the attack, I was able to pinpoint the problem and it is now fully functional, we should be able to go through the Omega 4 relay undetected,” EDI chimed.

“What do you think, Commander?” Miranda asked.

All eyes were on her now; Miranda’s, Mordin’s, Jacob’s and Joker’s. She knew what she had to do.

“We’re going after our people, Joker, get us there now,” she ordered.

“Aye aye, Commander,” Joker said, with a smile on his face. He left the briefing room as quickly as he possibly could.

“Bring the rest of the crew up to speed, Miranda. Dismissed.”

Joan was angry. They took everybody. It was a miracle, or EDI, that they didn’t take Joker too. For that she was grateful. She headed up to her cabin to work on some last minute defense strategies. She knew that the trip through the relay itself would be dangerous, luckily though, she had the best in her team. With the right people, she was sure she could get the job done.

As she entered her cabin, Joker’s voice came through the comm, “Commander, I’ve plotted a course for the Omega 4 relay, we should be there in a few hours.”

“Let’s do this, Joker.”

 

Thane was trembling as he entered Joan’s cabin. Strange that he never called her by her name.

“Thane?” she asked, looking up from her datapads.

“Siha,” he started. He wasn’t sure what to say now. He knew what he wanted to say before he entered. He had it all planned out in the elevator, now the words stayed stuck in his throat.

“What is it?” she probed, getting up from her seat. Her normally combed hair had a few loose strands, her light blue eyes shined with both worry and tenderness.

He walked towards the fish tank, “I have known I will die for many years, I’ve tried to leave the galaxy better than I’ve found it. You helped me achieve more than I thought possible, we’ve righted many wrongs, I have spoken to my son,” he turned to her, exasperated, “I should be at peace on the eve of battle.”

Joan walked towards him slowly, and grabbed his hands, “Stop, don’t give me a speech. Don’t be worried.”

“I’m… ashamed,” he confessed. The look in her eyes showed bewilderment. She touched his face. He reached up and removed her hand, gently. He went towards her desk, leaning on it, his fists closed. Tears started to pool around his eyes; he held them in as long as he could before they started to fall from his lids. Aggravated by his fear, he slammed his hand into the cold metal of the table, denting it.

He looked at her over his shoulder, not caring if she saw the tears anymore, “I’ve worked so hard. Meditated and prayed, and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I’ve done… prepared. I consider my bodies death and a chill settles in my gut. I’m afraid… and it shames me,” he looked down at his hand, too humiliated to look at her.

Thane looked as he felt her soft, warm hand touch his, “Thane... do not be shamed for feeling what you feel.”

“I- I don’t want to lose you,” he said, pulling her closer. Their foreheads touching. He wanted so much to feel her, to kiss her. The few times that they came close they were always interrupted. But now, his lips yearned to feel hers; so full and thick.

“And you won’t,” she promised, her voice turned into a whisper as she spoke, “Be alive with me tonight.”

The distance between them finally closed, and her lips pressed against his. Lightly at first, then firmly as they exchanged a passionate but heated kiss for a few moments.

She stopped to look at him, wiping the tears from his face. Her hands slowly slid down to his coat as she effortlessly removed it, dropping it to the ground, making a muted thud. His hands on her waist, he watched as she gently tugged on the zipper of his leather top, her fingers lightly tracing the edges as she removed that as well.

He stood there for a moment, glancing into her eyes. His hands on her waist smoothly removed her shirt. Thane felt the pressure in his lower area gradually build as he admired her; he saw in her body pieces of art. Tattoos. He started to find his way towards the button on her pants, and undid those. She kicked them off without so much of a hint of trouble. It was a good thing she was barefoot.

Thane admired her even more now, the curves on her body were stunning. He had never seen a human like this before. Her tummy was smooth and flat; he could see the hardness underneath. She looked beautiful. Once again, he pulled her in close and his lips pressed against hers. He quickly reached towards her hair and pulled off the tie that was holding it up. He felt the softness of her hair slowly come crashing down, he estimated that it was almost near her waist. After, he undid the hooks of her bra and felt it slide down to the ground between them. He felt her warm breasts pressed against his chest.

The kissing started to turn a bit more fervent. He soothingly laid her onto her bed, he kicked his boots off as she inched higher onto it. Her hands grasped his face as she planted another kiss onto him, then they slid down to his pants as she pulled them down, and then, using her feet, she removed them completely.

He was exposed now. Completely stripped. He allowed her a moment to take him in, he could see that her eyes were tracing the black tattoos that went from his head to his back, chest and arms. He kissed her again and he pressed his hardness against her, putting his hand on the small of her back, he quickly lifted her up to a sitting position, grabbing hold of her lace underwear and gently gliding them off from her legs.

Both of them were bare. His hands rubbed her arms and she put her arms over his shoulders. He could feel his breathing getting heavier with desire, he wanted her. She pulled him down on top of her and he felt her legs opening. He was filled with longing, but also nervousness. Sensing this, she spoke two words, “It’s okay.”

He relaxed a bit, and let his body take control. His senses were awakened completely. He was aware of every small detail; as he moved rhythmically, he watched her facial expressions.

Her eyes closed, and she moaned softly, “Thane.”

It drove him crazy; watching her beautiful eyes close with pleasure. She pursed her lips and he could feel her legs wrap around him, gripping him tight. He paced himself; he didn’t want to be rough with her. He wanted to show her, with his body, that he had fallen in love with her. He wanted to take care of her and show her that in her vulnerable state, he could give her what she needed. What she desired.

And he did.


	17. Chapter 17

Joan laid her head on Thane’s chest. She felt a little dizzy, probably those acids that Mordin told her about. But she was elated.

He was gentle with her, smooth. It had gone on for a long time before they both climaxed. She had to admit, she was very impressed with his performance. There was so much passion in that moment. His dark eyes never left her.

“Siha,” Thane whispered.

“Yes?”

“Are you well?”

“I’m fine, Thane,” she smiled as she looked up at him, “More than fine.”

He planted a warm kiss on her forehead, “I should prepare.”

She squeezed him tighter, “Stay. Just a little longer.”

He chuckled, “Of course, Siha. Time for me is short, but any I have is yours to take.”

“I spent two years dead, every moment with you is precious,” she said. And she meant it. He made her feel something new. Something she had never felt, not even with Kaidan.

“I spent ten years dead, I understand the feeling,” he placed his right hand on her face, stroking her hair, “Strange that I should reawaken now, when there is so little time left.”

“Don’t say that,” she whispered, “You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure you are.”

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her. She sat up, letting the white sheets fall off and exposing her completely. He propped himself up on his elbows, he touched her hair softly, “I like your hair like this, it is beautiful.”

She shook her long hair out, grinning, “Thank you.”

His eyes bore into her, like he wanted to say something, “Siha, I-“

“Commander, we are approaching the Omega-4 relay, about 20 minutes out,” Joker announced.

“Thank you, Joker,” Joan replied, annoyed. Someone was always interrupting, “You were saying?”

He smiled, slightly, “You already know.”

She felt her face getting hot, “We should get ready.”

He nodded, and leaned in to kiss her. It was a passionate kiss, one that you give to someone who’s going away for years. That’s what it felt like. She would do her best to make sure everyone, especially Thane made it out alive. But she was still a little worried.

Sensing her worry, Thane broke away from the kiss and hugged her, “I trust in you, Siha. I know you will bring us all back.”

She smirked. Her eyes never left him as he left the bed and got dressed. She admired every inch of his body. The way the light caught his lean muscles in his arms and abdomen. She had to admit, she loved his skin the most; emerald green with the tiny scales.

He turned to face her as he shook his coat out and smoothly put it on, “I’ll see you soon.”

He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, “I’ll see you soon,” she agreed. He smiled and walked out of the cabin.

Joan smiled to herself. She was happy that she could spend some more time with him, alone. It was time for her to get ready. She mustered all of her energy as she suited up in her armor. She brushed up her hair, smiling again at the thought of Thane loving her hair.

She took a deep breath, “Let’s do this, Joan.”

 

The CIC was overloaded with chatter from her team, all of them silenced as she walked in, “Kasumi, Tali, I need you at the ships core to overlook the engine; make sure it’s running smoothly. We don’t know what we’ll be expecting once we hit the relay, I need the Normandy at it’s best.”

They both nodded and headed towards the elevator, she looked around, “Where’s Garrus?”

Jacob answered, “Calibrating the guns.”

“Of course, well just leave him there, we’re going to need those guns in top performance; go assist Tali and Kasumi.”

Jacob saluted her and barely caught the elevator doors as they closed behind Tali and Kasumi.

“The rest of you just find a safe place, I need you all well before we do this,” she turned to Zaeed, “And I need you to stop drinking.”

“Alright, alright, just wanted a bit of liquid energy.”

He and Grunt chuckled. She rolled her eyes, “Dismissed.”

The team dispersed. Her eyes lingered on Thane, who spoke silently to Mordin as they walked off towards the labs.

“Shepard, the Illusive Man is waiting to speak with you in the comm room,” Miranda informed her.

She tore her eyes from Thane and nodded towards Miranda, “I’m going.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Shepard, I wish I had more information for you, I don’t like you heading into that relay blind. But we don’t have much choice,” said the Illusive Man.

Joan sighed, “I’m not going alone, I got some of the best working for me, if we stick together, we’ll make it.”

“I know we brought you back for a reason. I’ve never seen a better leader, despite the danger it’s a great opportunity. The first human to take a ship through and survive.”

She was a bit annoyed, what the hell did he think this was?, “I’ve got room on the Normandy if you’re that eager to see it.”

“It’s a tempting offer, but it’s not my place, I just wanted you to know I appreciate the risk you’re taking. Regardless of your opinion of Cerberus, of me, you are a valuable asset to all of humanity. Be careful, Shepard.”

 

Joan stood next to Joker. She watched the orange glow coming from the Omega 4 relay; it seemed to dangerously invite them.

“Approaching the Omega-4 relay,” he said, “Everyone stand by.”

“Let’s make it happen,” she said.

Joker nodded and his hands started moving on the screens. EDI informed them the Reaper IFF was activated.

“Commander, the drive core is lit up like a Christmas tree,” Jacob informed her, through the radio.

“Drive core electrical charge at critical levels,” EDI informed.

“Rerouting,” Joker said as they neared the relay.

The feeling was not unlike the other relays they have been passing through. Until the speed started picking up a lot faster than the others, EDI informed, “Brace for deceleration.”

Joan grasped Joker’s seat, leaning slightly forward, her eyes looking out of the windows. Suddenly, they entered a field of floating debris. The skies looked orange, almost as if it was burning. It seemed to match the feel of the dead ships and floating chunks of metal.

Joker yelled, “Shit!”

He rapidly started pushing and swiping buttons on the screens. The Normandy was going upwards, evading a big pieces of scrap metal. Then, they were still as the Normandy was clear of any more remains. Joker sighed with relief, “Too close.”

Joan stared out into the wreckage. Everywhere she looked there were pieces of ships, Joker broke the silence that overcame them, “These must be the ships that tried to make it through the Omega -4 relay, some look… ancient.”

“I have detected an energy signature near the edge of the accretion disk,” EDI notified.

The Normandy neared the edge of a giant piece of rubble, and they spotted what EDI warned them about. There, in the distance, was a large pile of rock and metal. It looked to be the collector homeworld.

“It has to be the Collector base,” Joan said, “Take us in for a closer look, nice and easy, Joker.”

They drifted through the rubble, slowly.

“Jeff, we have company,” EDI warned them.

Joan felt the ship move as if hit by something hard, she couldn’t tell what it was yet, Joker hurriedly spoke, “Taking evasive maneuvers!”

Joker started putting the ship through flips and picking up speed, he was able to do this without hitting any debris, “They’re just pissing me off! EDI! Take these bastards out!”

“As long as the new plating holds,” Miranda put in.

“Want another round? Come on girl, lets give it to them,” Joker said, angrily. Sometimes Joan wondered if his attachment to the ship was a bit much. But it was a good thing he was attached, it meant he would make sure they would all stay alive. He kept tossing and turning the ship. Evading the attackers as best as he could.

“Alert, hull breach on engineering deck,”EDI advised.

“Its in the cargo hold,” Joker cried.

“I’ll take a team and deal with that piece of shit,” she said, “Keep the rest of them off of our ass.”


	19. Chapter 19

“I’ll kill that fucking thing!” Yelled Jack.

“Watch your back!” Joan warned, taking cover behind a cargo box.

“Shepard, that thing is coming your way,” Grunt shouted.

Joan loaded her assault rifle clip and fired a concussive shot, combined with a warp from Jack and Grunt firing his shotgun. After a few more moments, the orb shot out of the side of the ship and out of sight. Jack and Grunt came up beside Joan; Grunt patted her on the back and Jack punched her in the arm. Both hollering at the orb.

She smiled. Suddenly the ship jerked violently and they fell over. She had no idea what the hell was going on but she guessed that whatever it was, Joker would get them out. Suddenly, the orb crashed back into the cargo hold. Joan immediately pushed both Jack and Grunt aside as it prepared to fire a laser shot. She quickly squeezed the trigger of her rifle and finally took the orb down. It exploded as she took cover behind the cargo.

“Better stay dead,” Grunt snarled.

“Commander,” Joker’s voice came from the comm, “You’d better get up here.”

“We’re about to clear the debris field,” EDI said.

Joan, Jack and Grunt immediately raced towards the elevator. Joan ran through the CIC into the pilots hull, she just stepped in when Miranda said, “There it is, the collector base.”

“See if you can find a place to land without drawing attention, Joker,” Joan commanded.

“Too late,” he replied, “Looks like they’re sending out an old friend to greet us.”

She stared into the distance. The ship that shot down the first Normandy was being locked on them. The gun on that ship fired at them, Joker maneuvered the Normandy out of the way, the beam missing them slightly. Joan got a bit angry; they were not going to kill them.

“Fire the main gun,” she demanded.

Joker pressed a few buttons and she saw the blue beam shooting out of their new gun, courtesy of Garrus; it hit the collector ship and Joker howled, “How do you like that, sons of bitches?”

“Get in close and finish them off,” Joan ordered.

“Alright commander. Hold on, its gonna be a wild ride!”

He took the ship closer and once again fired another shot at the ship. The blue beam hit the collectors and out of the side window, she saw that it exploded into pieces, giving her a sense of satisfaction. The shockwave caused the Normandy to shake violently.

“Mass effect field generators are offline,” Joker pointed, “EDI give me something!”

“Generators unresponsive, all hands brace for impact,” she said.

Joan’s heart beat fast as the Normandy descended quickly onto the base; she fell forward and Miranda crashed into her. The loud screeching of metal against metal gave her a pang of fear as she thought that it was over. They slid on the surface for awhile before coming to a complete halt. She quickly got to her feet; looking at Miranda making sure she was ok. A reassuring nod from Miranda was all the confirmation she needed. She walked towards Joker, who was slumped over in his seat, “Joker! Are you ok?”

He groaned as he tried to sit up straight, “I think I broke a rib, or all of them.”

“Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash, restoring operation will take time,” EDI said. Joker looked at Joan.

She heard Miranda sigh, “We all knew this was likely a one way trip.”

“No, those collectors are going to get what’s coming to them,” Joan seethed.

Joker responded, “Well, I’m glad I never pissed you off.”

“Is the ship safe here? Will we be detected?”

“I do not detect any security breaches, it is possible the Collectors never expected anyone to make it through the relay.”

“If we’re lucky, their external sensors were hit like we were. They might not know we’re alive,” Joker stated.

“Get everyone to the comm room, now,” Joan commanded.

 

Joan entered the comm room. She saw her team members loading up their gear and double checking, making sure they had everything. Her eyes landed on Thane, who was eyeing her as well. He nodded at her, almost as if reassuring her that he was fine. She smiled in response. Her smiled waned as she neared the far end of the room, suddenly, all eyes were on her, “This isn’t how we planned this mission, but this is where we’re at. We cant worry if the Normandy can get us home, we came to stop the collectors, and that means coming up with a plan to destroy this station.”

She leaned on the table as a projection of the base came up in the center of the table, EDI started, “You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the main control center.”

She put a point where she was talking about.

Looking at his omni tool, Jacob put in, “That means going through the heart of the station, right past this massive energy signature.”

“That’s the central control chamber, if the crew or any of the colonists are still alive, they’re holding them in there,” Joan said.

“Looks like there are two main routes, it might be a good idea to split up to throw the collectors off balance then regroup in the central chamber,” Jacob went on.

Miranda spoke up, “That’s no good, both routes are blocked. See these doors? The only way to open them is to get someone to open it from the other side.”

“A few well placed explosives might clear a path,” Joan suggested.

EDI chimed in, “There is insufficient explosives on board to create an explosion capable of damaging the interior walls.”

“If we can’t blast our way through, then we’ll use stealth. Someone can sneak in through that ventilation shaft,” Joan stated.

“Practically a suicide mission, I volunteer,” said Jacob.

“I appreciate the thought Jacob, but you couldn’t shut down the security systems in time,” Miranda put in, “We need to send a tech expert.”

They both turned to look at her, Jacob started, “It’s your call commander, who are we sending into the shaft?”

Joan thought about it for a moment, she had three good techs; Tali, Kasumi and Legion. Mordin was a good tech too, and she trusted them all. But she already knew who she was going to send in, “Tali, you’re up.”

Tali nodded, “I won’t let you down, Shepard.”

“The rest of us will break up into two teams and fight down each passage, that should distract the collectors from what we’re doing,” Joan said.

“We’re going to need to have someone lead the other team; I volunteer for this assignment,” Miranda suggested.

Jack lost her mind at this, “Hold on, cheerleader, no one, especially me, is going to take orders from you.”

Before they could start another fight, Joan intervened, “We need someone who’s had experience in leading groups, I don’t doubt your abilities Miranda, but to be fair to the both of you, I am going to have to give this assignment to Garrus.”

Garrus nodded, “I will do my best.”

“I trust you,” she said. It was the truth, Garrus was her best friend; he survived wave after wave of mercs on Omega by himself, she had no doubt that he will bring his assigned team through the infiltration alive. She continued, “I don’t know what we’re going to find in there, but I do know this; these collectors will keep taking human lives unless we go in there and stop them. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not about to let them keep taking humans. So, let’s get in there and kick some collector ass!”

She heard a few whoops and yeahs, “Grunt, Jack, you’re both with me.”

As everyone headed out, she lingered behind to speak a few words to Thane, “Siha, stay safe.”

“You too, Thane,” their hands touched and she leaned in to give him a quick kiss, “Watch each other’s backs.”

“C’mon, love birds, we got some collector heads to bash in,” Garrus said, waiting by the doorway of the comm room. Thane passed by first. Joan paused as she stood in front of Garrus, “Be safe out there.”

He nodded, “I will, and I’ll make sure to watch his back from any collectors’ bullets.”

She smiled, that was all the assurance she needed. They all headed towards the airlock on the side of the ship. She watched as Garrus led the fire team down a steep path, Thane was a bit farther behind, his head bowed down and his lips moving. She figured he was praying. Good. They needed all the help they could get.

“Yo, Shepard, lead the way,” came Jack’s voice.

“Let’s do this,” she sighed, cracking her neck. She readied her assault rifle, took a deep breath and headed forward. Into the unknown.


	20. Chapter 20

“Tali, get the door!”

They were taking heavy fire as they entered the central chamber. A horde of collectors swarmed in on them, but they managed to hold them back, “It won’t close, I need a few minutes to fix it Shepard!”

She reloaded her rifle and popped off her incendiary rounds, causing a few of the collectors to go up in flames, “Do it fast, Tali! We can’t hold this door any longer!”

Joan was aware of the gunfire coming from behind her, that meant the fire team was in the chamber and taking heavy fire as well, “Tali!”

“Got it!”

The door shut abrubtly, blocking out all of the gunfire from both sides, “Is everyone alright?”

“Yeah,” Garrus answered, “The whole team is accounted for, no casualties, minor flesh wounds, nothing too serious.”

Her eyes gazed over the crowd until they met Thane’s, “Good.”

“Shepard,” came Samara’s voice, she turned towards the asari as she pointed up to the ceiling, “Look.”

She turned her head towards the ceiling and saw thousands upon thousands of pods, “The crew has to be in here somewhere. Everyone spread out!”

Suddenly, there was a loud thud coming from one of the pods, and there she was; a woman, banging against it. Joan ran towards it, trying to open it.

“Let me out! Help!”

Joan yelled, “Hold on!”

She tried with all her strength to pry it open; the pod was giving way, almost opening, when the woman started to darken in front of her. Almost as if she was burning up inside, the blood curdling screams were terrifying in her ears as she saw the woman be turned into almost a gray mush. Horrified, she quickly addressed her team, “Open the pods! Get the rest of them out!”

Hurriedly, the team banged, hit and pried the pods open before any more people could be taken through the tubes. Her relief as Chakwas fell into her arms was overwhelming, “Karin! Are you ok?”

Chakwas lazily opened her eyes and smiled, “I knew you would come for us Commander.”

Joan helped Chakwas to her feet, “You’re part of the team, I wasn’t going to let them take you,” she turned to rest of the crew that her team saved, “Any of you.”

“The colonists were processed, those swarms of little robots melted them and pushed their liquefied bodies through those tubes,” Chakwas informed Joan. She looked up at the tubes, wondering where they led to; moreso what they were doing with the bodies of humans.

“Joker, any idea where these tubes lead?”

“I’m seeing that they lead up to the main control room above you, its blocked by a security door but theres another chamber above the one you’re in.”

“I would not suggest that, my energy signatures confirm that there are seeker swarms on the pathway to the chamber, Mordin’s countermeasure will not be enough to protect you,” EDI informed.

 “What would keep the swarms out?” asked Jacob.

“How about a biotic shield? EDI, will a strong biotic be able to deflect the swarms?”

“Yes, calculations show a favorable outcome to a biotic field,” EDI replied.

“We have several capable biotics, Shepard, myself included, but the decision is yours,” Miranda said.

“Samara, I’m counting on you for this one,” Joan said, looking at Samara. She nodded, “We’ll take a small group towards the chamber and the rest of you provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We’ll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there.”

“I’ll keep the defenders busy, you slip around the back,” Garrus offered.  

“What about the crew?” asked Tali.

“You guys can’t stay here,” Jacob said to Chakwas and the rest of the crew.

“I’ll send someone to escort you guys back,” Joan said, “Mordin, make sure they get back safely.”

Mordin nodded, “Joker, will need coordinates on pickup location.”

“Ok, we’ve all got our assignments. Grunt, Thane, you’re with me.”

Grunt jumped up and down, “Yes!”

Thane gave a slight head nod.

“Let’s move out!”

Samara started up the shield around them, she turned to the diversion team, “Alright, you guys go on first.”

The doors opened and the fire team quickly poured out of the chamber, opening fire as soon as they hit the pathway. The door closed and Joan sighed, “Ok, lets go.”

She opened the door and suddenly they were surrounded by the dim blue light of Samara’s biotic shield, “Moving out, try to stay close commander.”

Samara moved forward, followed by Joan, Thane and then Grunt.

“Beautiful view from back here,” Thane whispered.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” Joan replied, smiling. Her steps were silent behind Samara, trying to stay as close as possible to the biotic.

“I meant the light of the biotic shield, it’s a nice blue light… but now that you mention it…”

“Can you guys save the flirting for when we’re not surrounded by collector swarms?”

A garbled radio communication was trying to come through and she heard Garrus’s voice on the other end, “Garrus? Damn it! These swarms must be interfering with radio contact.” There was no more chatter after that. It was silent. That was until some collectors swooped in from above and started shooting, “Take cover!”

Joan crouched down on the edge of the steel rail, she fired her assault rifle. Taking down a few collectors. More and more of them came and she crouched, reloading the thermal clip on her gun. Grunt was shooting at them, laughing, and Thane was lurking in the shadows, sniping them from a good distance. As she finished reloading, she stood up and fired, taking down a few more.

She heard the harbinger’s voice,” I will direct this to you, Shepard.”

 _Do it then, fucker_. She fired off some incendiary ammo, but the barrier on the harbinger controlled collector was taking a while to take down. Throwing a grenade and firing a concussive shot, she crouched down to recharge her shields. After a few seconds, she stood up and fired again until her thermal clip needed reloading; crouching, she reloaded and was about to fire when she suddenly saw the collector fall. A single gunshot.

Her head turned and her eyes met Thane’s, she smiled slightly and he smirked. A silent thank you.


	21. Chapter 21

Joan, Garrus and Thane stood in shock as they took in the sight in front of them. As it was, the collectors were using the liquefied humans to make some form of human reaper. The thing was both disturbing and repulsive, the thought that many human lives were lost to this abomination saddened her. They concluded that in order to finish the dreaded machine they would need millions of human lives; lives that would be found on her home planet, Earth. The idea angered her.

But as usual, her thoughts were interrupted by the oncoming collectors that were closing in on them, “Garrus! Switch weapons! Thane! Snipe them!”

“On it!” Garrus called, pulling out his assault rifle, Thane took cover and immediately took down two collectors.

The firefight lasted awhile; the tubes on the human reaper were being protected by steel barriers that would occasionally open. When they would, Joan fired a few clips into two of the tubes. She fell forwards as she took a few shots in the back. Rushing to cover, she was quickly intercepted by a harbinger controlled collector.

He grabbed her by the throat, threating her.

“Shut the fuck up!” She yelled as she kicked the collector sharply on the ribs. He loosened his grasp on her and she took the chance to grab her pistol and fire a few shots into his head. The collector fell and dropped Joan. She hastily crawled to the edge of the steel boxes and started firing at the collectors with her assault rifle.

Her eyes scanned the layout; Garrus was pinned down by three collectors and Thane switched his sniper rifle for his pistol as he made his way towards Garrus, killing them with one shot each. Joan took aim and started shooting at the collectors that were trying to block him from getting to Garrus. Finally, Thane took down the last of the collectors that were swarming Garrus.

“Shepard! Incoming!” Garrus yelled. Her head turned to her right and she saw another horde of collectors heading their way. She looked up at the human reaper, the tubes were exposed again, only three left.

“Get the tubes!” She ordered as she jumped over the barriers and threw a grenade at the collectors, trying to weaken their shields. For a few moments, she was the only one shooting at them; trying to draw the attention away from her teammates so they could take down those tubes.

Thane suddenly appeared at her side, “Siha.”

“I’m running low on thermal clips,” she told Thane, switching to her pistol, “I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up!”

He threw a biotic charge at the collectors and sniped the last of them down before Garrus shouted, “Tubes are down!”

Both of their eyes fell onto the human reaper as it fell from the tubes holding it up. She ran towards the edge of the hovering disk to see the damage; both Thane and Garrus joined her.

“Shepard to ground team, status report!”

She heard Jack’s voice answer from the other end of the radio, “Jack here, I’m tagging them as they come along, but feel free to call for an exit anytime!”

“Head for the Normandy. Joker—prep the engines, I’m about to overload this place and blow it straight to hell.”

“Roger that commander,” he responded as she prepped the explosives, “Uh, Commander? You got a message from the Illusive Man, EDI’s patching it through.”

“I wonder what he wants,” Garrus mused, prepping his omni tool for contact.

“Shepard, you’ve done the impossible,” he praised.

“I didn’t do it alone, I was part of a team,” she replied, annoyed, pressing some buttons on the screen, stealing a glance at Thane, “The best.”

“You’ve acquired the collector base,” he started, “I’m looking at the schematics EDI uploaded, a timed radiation pulse will kill the collectors on board but keep the machinery and technology intact.”

  “If you’re suggesting what I think you are…” she trailed off, sickened by the idea of saving the dreaded vessel.

“This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a reaper, that framework, the knowledge, it could save us,” he argued. Trying to persuade her.

She got up and faced the holo Illusive Man, disgusted, “They liquefied hundreds of thousands of people, and you want to save this piece of shit? No. I’m blowing it up.”

“Don’t be short sighted, our best chance at defeating the reapers is to turn their own resources against them,” his tone of voice suggested that he would not give up without getting what he wanted, “We cannot ignore this opportunity. They were working with the reapers directly, who knows what information is stored there? The base… is a gift.”

“A gift? You are seriously deluded if you think that this horrendous place is a gift, you’d probably want to build your own reaper if you were given the chance.”

“My goal is to save humanity from the reapers, at any cost. I’ve never hidden that from you. Imagine how many lives would be saved if we saved this base and used its technology against the reapers. Imagine the lives that will be lost if we don’t. You died fighting for what you believed, I brought you back so you could keep fighting. Don’t be so quick to discard this facility, think of the potential.”

Joan thought about it for a moment. She was used to death, it was always around her, even when she was back on Earth as a child. But keeping this thing intact seemed… wrong. Once they were finished with the humans, who would they turn to next? The Asari? The Turians? The…. Drell? Her eyes landed on Thane as the thought crossed her mind. His eyes closed slowly and he nodded slightly, without any kind of words, she understood.

“We’ll fight, and we’ll win without it. I will not let fear compromise who I am,” she replied with conviction. She turned towards the screen and continued arming the explosives.

“Think about whats at stake, about everything Cerberus has done for you. You—“ The communication cut off.

She turned slightly as Garrus shrugged, “I hate whiners.”

Thane chuckled as he walked over and handed the circular device to Joan, she took it from him and planted it on the screen, closing it she warned, “Let’s get out of here. We got about ten minutes before the reactor overloads and blows this whole place apart.”

The platform started to shake violently. Thane looked at her, bewildered. Her eyes looked up to meet the big, red, glowing eyes of the human reaper.


	22. Chapter 22

As quickly as the human reaper came back to fight them, he went down. Joan sighed with relief as she witnessed the dreaded things head explode; but her relief was short lived as she saw the flailing arms falling down… in their direction.

The arm hit the platform, tilting it sideways. Thane, who was standing near the far edge slid down towards the end. Immediately, Joan jumped after him, reaching for his hand. Their fingers grazed each other but their grip was not strong enough to hold on. I t seemed like she was going to lose him; every thought desperately pleaded for his survival. She managed to reach him, as he held onto the edge of the platform. Overcome with momentary relief, she helped him onto his feet.

As they regained their balance, the rest of the platforms came crashing in around them. She glanced as Garrus also struggled not to fall over, but with the platforms collapsing, they rolled towards the edges. The last thing Joan saw before the darkness took her was one last platform, hovering on their very direction.

 

Her head throbbed painfully as she tried with all of her will to open her eyes, they felt as though they were glued shut. She felt an enormous amount of weight on her back, her breath came in rapid, short gasps as her eyes finally flew open. She took one deep breath through her mouth, breathing in some dust in the air. With all of her strength, she got on her knees and the weight fell off of her. She looked down to see that a beam had fallen on her.

Assessing the damage, her eyes grazed for a sign of Garrus. Thane. Her heart sank when she saw Thane on his side; she sprinted over to him and hastily turned him over. She automatically fell into his arms, soaring with release.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes,” he replied, getting onto his feet, “Where is Garrus?”

She immediately turned to find that another beam was on top of Garrus. She and Thane rushed over and lifted the beam from his body, “You good?”

“I feel like shit, but I’m alive,” he said, grabbing onto his ribs.

“Commander! Do you copy? Come on, Shepard, don’t leave me hanging,” Joker’s voice rang through the radio.

“I’m here Joker, did the ground team make it?”

“All survivors on board, we’re just waiting on you,” he responded. Joan groaned slightly as she saw the sight ahead of her, the collector swarms were headed their way.

“Get to the ship!” she commanded, both Thane and Garrus hauling away from the swarms.

She felt mildly irritated at hearing the harbingers voice, “You’ve changed nothing human. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater.”

Despite her head still ringing, she pushed her legs to keep moving. She had to. The voice continued, “That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction”

Loading a clip into her assault rifle that she found, she fired at a couple of collectors that started at their trail, hitting a few. She didn’t have time to see if they died, her thoughts were on getting Garrus and Thane to safety. In the short distance, she saw the Normandy haul up and felt grateful at the cover fire that Joker, Grunt and Zaeed provided.

Garrus was the first to jump onto the Normany, followed by Thane. They both added additional cover fire as she heard their shouts, “Come on, Shepard!”

She pushed her legs to move faster, even as she saw a beam take down the platforms that extended out to the ship. It looked like she had to risk the long jump. She couldn’t think about that now. She had to do it.

_You can do this, Joan. You will not die here._

Finally she reached the edge and used all of the strength in her leg muscles to jump. For a moment, time stood still. It got quiet. Instead of panic, she felt serene.

She somehow managed to grab hold of the edge of the ship, barely hanging on. She took a few shots in the back from the oncoming collectors; Grunt, Garrus, Joker and Zaeed attended to that issue as Thane reached down for her and pulled her up.

The doors to the Normandy closed as she and Joker rushed to the pilots helm. EDI’s voice rang overhead, “Detonation in ten, nine, eight…”

“Yeah, yeah I got it EDI, hold on,” Joker said, taking his seat at the front.

He started to maneuver the Normandy in whichever way he could, trying to get them away from the explosions as quick as possible. Her eyes assessing the rubble ahead of them and her ears filled with the sound of the exploding collector base. She felt Thane at her side, grabbing hold of her hand, softly. She squeezed his, almost as if assuring him that they would make it out alive.

They all felt the shockwave as the whole station finally gave out, Joker started hectically moving screens and she felt the Normandy picking up speed. On the side of the windows, she saw the aftershock of the explosion, coming after them. The relay back was just a bit further out. They had to make it. The wave was reaching them, and she felt the Normandy shudder at the force that was trying to pull them back, “Not this time,” Joker said.

And he put the ship in overdrive as they sped up and hit the mass relay. Narrowly avoiding the explosion.


	23. Chapter 23

The comm room was damaged, not severely, it could be repaired. Nothing the finest techs and engineers couldn’t fix. She placed the beam that was blocking her way upside, the way it belonged. She stood in the center and waited for the Illusive Man to show his face, “Shepard, you’re making a habit of costing me more than money and time.”

“Too many lives were lost at that base, I’m not sorry its gone.”

“The technology from that base could have secured humanities dominance in the galaxy. It would have helped us in the fight against the Reapers, and beyond,” he said, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

“Human dominance, or just Cerberus?”

_I’m not buying his crap._

“Strength for Cerberus is strength for every human,” he retorted, getting up from his seat, Cerberus IS humanity. I should have known you’d choke on the hard decisions, too idealistic from the start.”

“Making the right choice hardly counts as choking on making a decision, as far as I can see, you’re the only one that had anything to lose from blowing up the base. It needed to be destroyed, that was the initial mission. If you don’t like it, go to hell. But humanity needs a leader that will look out for their best interests, to protect them. I’m doing things my way, you can join or you can back off, but do not get in my way,”

“Don’t turn your back on me, Shepard,” he threatened, “I made you. I brought you back from the dead.”

_I’ve heard enough, I said what I needed to say._

“You should have left me dead then,” she pointed, “Joker, lose this channel.”

She smirked as she walked away, heading towards the CIC. All of the crew was hard at work, trying to see if the damage could be repaired. A few of them came up to thank her for being rescued, a couple of them with tears in their eyes.

Her teammates were all patching themselves up and checking their weapons, she received a few nods and a couple of pats on her back.

“Shepard,” Miranda called, Joan walked over to her, removing her greaves.

“What is it, Miranda?”

“I just wanted to say, great work. I knew you could do it,” she praised.

The compliment made her happy, although Miranda was a pain in the ass sometimes, she felt thankful that she stuck through, “Thanks, Miranda. And I’m sorry for putting you in a tough position. I know you owe Cerberus a lot, if you want to go back with them I’d understand; you and Jacob.”

She shrugged, “I agree with you. Jacob does too. That base is better off being scattered to bits. I won’t return with Cerberus. I’m going my own way.”

“Glad to hear it, Miranda,” she said, putting out her hand for a shake. Her surprise was nothing short of shocking as Miranda leaned in and gave her a hug.

“We’re past formalities now, Commander. You’ve done the impossible and you helped me save my sister, you’re not just my superior, you’re my friend,” she said. She released her hold on her and looked her in the eyes for a moment, “And I’m not the only one that thinks that.”

“Yeah,” Jacob came up beside her, “Whatever our differences, we’re good.”

She turned as she heard the rest of her teammates holler, all of them speaking over each other, saying how much she meant to every one of them.

It was amazing to see that her team, all of them different from one another, found a similarity. Their loyalty to her; their friendship and allegiance all rested on her. She was overwhelmed with the gratitude, “I don’t know what to say, guys.”

“I say we go party!” came Jack’s voice.

“I could go for some drinks,” Garrus said.

Joan chuckled, “You guys figure out what you want to do, I need to get some rest.”

“Go see Chakwas first,” Garrus suggested and stopped her before she could object, “The rest of us did and we’re in the clear, the only one that’s not is you. So, go. She already knows you’re on your way down.”

She didn’t fight them, “Fine, just let me wash this collector junk off of me first.”

They nodded as she made her way to the elevator. The doors closed behind her and she sighed. She hunched over in pain, her ribs were killing her. Of course, she couldn’t show that to her crew. They knew that injuries happened, but somehow, she didn’t want them to see her hurt. It made her feel less of a protector, a leader. It was a foolish thought, she knew. But it was her thought nevertheless.

The elevator pinged, she reached her cabin and sighed when the doors opened. She removed her armor as quick as she could, feeling lighter as the additional weight was taken off of her. She then proceeded to remove the rest of her clothing and pull her hair out of its bun. Feeling like a plucked chicken, she made her way into the shower and moaned as the hot water ran over her body and moistened her hair.

After she completely scrubbed her hair and body with shampoo and soap, she stood in the hot water a little longer. Eyes closed. Thinking.

It was a very long day. _When was the last time I got sleep?_ She wondered.

She wondered where Thane was. She didn’t see him in the CIC with the others, he was probably in his area, resting. She made a mental note to go see him after she went to see Chakwas. After much deliberation, she finally got the courage to turn off the hot water. She quickly reached for her towel and dried herself off, beating herself up internally for not getting her clothing ready. She was dreading the walk out of the shower into her cold cabin, knowing that as soon as she opened the door, a cool gust of wind would hit her.

“Ugh,” she groaned. The cold air made her skin shiver up.

She was so caught up in getting her clothing out of the small compartment where her nightstand was that she jumped up when she turned and saw Thane. He was sitting on her couch, crouched forward, elbows on his knees and his hands crossed, the long fingers covering his lips. His dark eyes bore into her with intensity.

“How long have you been there?” she asked, wrapping the towel around her body, feeling cripplingly shy.

“Awhile, I’ve been here since you were in the comm room,” he answered, standing up.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, feeling a little bad for taking long.

“I didn’t mind waiting,” he said, walking towards her. He paused in front of her, his eyes looking her up and down, his hands grasped her face and he kissed her, sweetly, “Besides, you’re worth waiting for.”

She beamed at him, and leaned her head on his chest, “I’m so glad we made it out of there.”

His hands began to stroke her wet hair, “As am I, Siha.”

“I need to see Chakwas,” she whispered, “I promised the team I would.”

“I’ll go with you,” he replied, letting her go. He went back to the couch and took a seat, his hands behind his head, “You should get dressed.”

Joan scoffed and rolled her eyes. She let the towel fall onto the floor, exposing her cold body. She heard a faint sigh as she pulled on her panties and clipped her bra. She was damned if she was going to continue wearing that Cerberus uniform, instead, she opted for black denim jeans, a navy blue fitted t shirt and her boots. She decided to put her hair into one thick, side braid and proceeded to put on her makeup. After she was finished, Thane stood up from the couch and his hand linked with hers, leading her out into the med bay.


	24. Chapter 24

Joan sat patiently on her chair next to her private terminal. All the ladies aboard the Normandy were in her cabin, trying to dress her up. With the exception of Samara, who was sipping wine and watching the fish swim in the tank.

“You need to leave those curlers in your hair for awhile longer, Shepard, stop trying to pull them out,” Miranda lectured.

“Leave her alone cheerleader, maybe she doesn’t want to have those ridiculous things in her hair,” Jack said, rubbing her head and winking at her, hinting that she should go bald too.

“Shepard, you really need to get a bigger wardrobe, all of your clothes is… boring,” Tali said, raiding her compartments.

“You guys I’m capable of choosing my own clothes, doing my own makeup and my own hair,” she complained, as Miranda grabbed her face and started applying shadow onto her eyes.

“If you’re referring to that bun and subtle makeup, and armor, then no, you’re not capable,” Miranda retorted, “Besides, this is a group thing, we’re all dressed up, except for you.”

“Remind me, why Nos Astra?”

“These fuckers wanted to go to the club there called Eternity or some shit,” Jack said, mildly irritated, playing with a model ship, “I suggested Omega, but no one listens to me.”

“We told you; Omega would be dangerous because of the mercs. Garrus is still wanted by them and I doubt any of us is in the mood for another gunfight,” Miranda sighed, taking a step back and admiring Joan’s face.

Jack scoffed, and headed towards her and Miranda, “Shepard is always down to kill whatever moves… why are you using that color?”

“It’s beautiful on her,” Miranda replied.

“Jeez, why don’t you dress her in a fucking frilly pink skirt and put her hair in ponytails while you’re at it? Use a darker color, it would go great on her skin tone and besides, it’s not going to match her outfit.”

Just then, the door opened and Kasumi walked in holding a black piece of cloth in her hands, “I found it; took me awhile to get it here on such short notice, but I managed.”

Jack took the outfit from Kasumi and shouted to Tali, “Hey, Tali, you can stop going through Shepard’s junk, we got her something.”

“Finally,” she said, walking towards the small area that was feeling too enclosed now, “Oh she looks beautiful. I’m sure once those things are out of your hair you’ll look a lot better though.”

Joan chuckled, then motioned for Jack to show her the outfit. If Miranda wasn’t reworking the lipstick on her lips, her mouth would have fallen open in disbelief. Before she could start, Jack started. “I don’t wanna hear your fucking shit. You’re going to wear this, and that’s that. Besides,” she paused and gave her a mischievous smile, “Thane will love you in this.”

“Done,” Miranda said, “Now I can take these curlers out.”

She felt the small yanks as her fingers pulled out the rest of the curlers. Miranda handed her a mirror and Joan was shocked. Was this her? The person staring back at her was gorgeous, her hair was volumized with large curls that cascaded down to her back, her blue eyes were shaded with dark black shadow and her lashes looked longer. Her lips were the color of crimson, with a hint of glossiness. The blush on her cheeks was a subtle pink.

“You look beautiful,” said Tali.

“Wow,” she put the mirror down and looked at Miranda, “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” she smiled, placing her hand on her hip, proud of her work.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jack said, tossing her the outfit, “Now get dressed, and you can wear these,” she handed Joan a pair of black leather boots, with a small heel, “Don’t ask how I got ‘em. Just wear ‘em. Let’s go girls. We’ll wait for you on the docking bay.”

All at once, they shuffled out of her cabin. Joan put the boots down and undressed, feeling a little pained. Her ribs were bruised, not broken. Which was a good thing. Chakwas informed her that they should be healed completely in a few weeks; she offered her medication for the pain, but Joan was too stubborn to admit that she was in any pain. Her head was fine, just a mild concussion that went away within the first two days.

She wasn’t too sure about this idea of going out and partying when there was a bigger threat at large. Joker showed her a datapad with what looked like Reapers nearing their galaxy; she needed to warn the Alliance, not go clubbing on Nos Astra. But, she compromised with her team that she would send the Alliance a message on the threat and go in person, only after she spent a few days with them on Illium. She knew that once she headed back towards the Alliance that they might court martial her; the rest of her team knew it. She supposed this was their way of saying goodbye to her; well that and the fact that they had paid for a condominium for a week. So, they pretty much guilt tripped her into saying yes.

Joan pulled up the boots, they weren’t too bad, very comfortable. They reached the area a few inches below her knees. The dress she wore was a tight, strapless dress that was made of some kind of stretchy material, but it was surprisingly comfortable as well, almost like a second skin. She pulled on the black leather Jacket that Miranda loaned her and admired her reflection, even she admitted. She loved the way she looked.

 

Thane awaited at the bar in Eternity with the Garrus. The rest of the team was on the Normandy, the plan was for all of them to go in together, but Garrus got a little impatient and wanted his drink… fast.

“Aren’t you going to drink anything, Krios?”

Thane silently replied, “Not right now.”

“You nervous or something?”

He pulled at the collar of his black shirt. It was a long sleeve; he left the top two buttons open to allow his chest to breathe. He figured Shepard would like it. He looked down at his jeans and the heavy boots. He wasn’t used to wearing such clothing, he felt heavy. Like if he needed to move quickly, the boots and pants would weigh him down, “I feel a little guilty. I know she wanted to report to the Alliance directly. I feel awful for making her do this.”

Garrus gulped down his drink, “Hey, you’re not the only one that wants her to relax. We all do, you just happened to be the instigator.”

They both chuckled, but Garrus continued, his tone of voice was serious, “She needs this. With the real threat coming, how much more time is she going to have to just enjoy a night with her friends? Or a few days with the man she loves? Shepard is always going to want to save everything and everyone; once in a while, she needs to be saved from herself. And you’re the perfect man for the job.”

Thane felt gratitude towards Garrus’ words. He knew what he spoke was the truth; his Siha will kill herself before she gave herself the time to just lay back. He bowed his head at Garrus. He understood the gesture and raised his glass of liquor at him.

He ordered a drink and just before he took his first sip, his eyes fell to the entrance. The group was coming in, all of them dressed to impress. With the exception of Grunt. Who still wore his armor. His hand slowly lowered to his side as he saw his Siha; dressed all in black. A leather jacket over a skintight dress that stopped about a hands length on her thighs. She was always beautiful, but tonight, she looked… Stunning.

“Keep your jaw up,” Garrus teased.

As she neared him, he held out his hand and she took it, “Siha…”

“I told you he’d love it,” Jack shouted, slapping the bar, her idea of asking for a drink.

She smiled, shyly, “Do you?”

He pulled her in, his hands on her waist, “I do.”

“Ok lovebirds, we get that you want to suck face,” Joker interrupted, handing Shepard a drink and motioning for the group to gather around them, “But right now is the time to get shit faced. To Shepard, for putting us in positions that almost get us killed, but always coming through on her promise to keep us alive!”

“Shepard!”

They all yelled and raised their glasses at her. Thane leaned in and whispered in her ear, “My Siha.”

Through the corner of her eye, he saw her face redden the slightest.


	25. Chapter 25

Joan groaned as she heard Mordin and Grunt on the karaoke machine; Mordin wasn’t too bad, the bad part was the fact that Grunt tried to hit really high notes and ended up sounding like a rocks scratched against a metal surface. The song finally finished and the whole bar clapped and hollered. They seemed to enjoy it.

“That wasn’t too bad, Mordin,” she complimented, “And Grunt… you…”

“Yeah I sucked, but I had a great time,” he smiled, taking a drink.

“Thank you, Shepard,” Mordin replied, he turned to Thane, who had his arm around Shepard, “Thane. A moment, please.”

Thane removed his arm, grabbed his drink and accompanied Mordin to an area away from the group. Joan was immediately suspicious, wondering what they were talking about. She got up to see if she could sneak up on them but was intercepted by Garrus, “Shepard!”

“Garrus, what’s up, buddy?”

“Zaeed is betting that I can’t beat you in a drinking contest, I told him that I could, so I have come to personally challenge you to said contest,” he said, walking her towards the bar. They were followed by the whole group, all of them wanting to see the contest. Garrus called to the bartender and ordered eight shot glasses.

“Really, Garrus?” she asked.

The bartender lined up four glasses in front of each of them, Garrus started, “The object is to finish all four of these before the other person does. And to keep it down. This is a really strong liquor, straight from Palaven. Known to make the weak throw up after they take one shot.”

“This is gonna be good,” Jack jumped.

“My money is on Shepard,” Jacob said.

“I’ll take some of that action,” Zaeed added.

“Sorry Shepard, but I’m betting on Garrus, this is his brew after all,” Miranda shrugged.

Joan shook her head and started, “Alright, Vakarian, let’s get started.”

They both grabbed their glasses and started taking their shots. The liquor tasted like a turian’s foot, not that she’d know what it tasted like, but it was the only comparison she could come up with. It was disgusting. It burned as soon as it touched her lips. But she was not going to quit.

Both she and Garrus were gagging as they lifted their next glasses. She pushed herself to take it down, and she noticed Garrus doing the same thing. It went on as they got to the third, but the time she reached the fourth, her mouth was on fire and her throat felt like it was being burned away slowly. She saw Garrus in the same agony; she pushed the liquor down her throat and they both slammed their glasses on the bar at the same time. They faced each other, both gagging internally.

“Oh shit, one of them is gonna hurl!” Joker yelled.

“Come on, Shepard, don’t be a pussy,” Zaeed said.

“You can do it Garrus,” Miranda shouted.

She felt the acid in her mouth; but she was not going to lose this one. She willed herself to swallow it and hold back. Finally the feeling went away, and she stood up straight. The burning still strong in her throat. Garrus, who was gagging uncontrollably a minute ago, stood up as well.

“So… who won?” Tali asked.

“I guess it’s a tie,” Jacob chuckled.

“Well,” Garrus said, “I guess that means that you CAN keep up.”

“Damn right I can,” she said, patting his arm.

The group decided to take shots of the liquor as well, wanting to see what it was all about. She turned to find both Thane and Mordin still speaking, their backs turned to her.

She made her way over to them, the effects of the liquor finally catching up to her; the room started to spin a little more.

“… Will meet on Sur’Kesh. Higher chance-” Mordin stopped talking as he saw her nearing them.

“Am I interrupting?” She asked.

Thane shook his head, and put his hand on hers, “Not at all, Siha. We were just finished.”

“Yes, already finished. Will leave you alone,” Mordin smiled and walked away.

“What was that all about?”

“We were just discussing a possibility of making new oils to make your sexual experience with me more comfortable,” he replied.

Joan’s jaw dropped open, “Why d-? Ugh, nevermind. Lets get back to the crew.”

“Shepard, we should get going,” Miranda said, as they neared the group.

“What? I thought we were all going to stay at that condo together,” she said, puzzled.

The team smiled at her, Garrus was the one who spoke up, “Nope, consider this a romantic getaway for you and your beloved.”

She felt her face go still with shock, “What do you-?”

She turned to look at Thane, who’s eyes were on her, “I planned a few days for the both of us to spend together, the team was aware of my plan and wanted to help.”

“We just wanted you to have a great time with us, and with your boy toy before you go off to save the world again,” Grunt said.

Joker started as well, “Don’t shoot us, we helped him get the plan together, we figured you’d need time to relax before we head off to the Alliance.”

She looked at each one of them, most of them with smiles on their faces, the others sipping from their drinks, waiting to see if she was going to hurt them.

Thane broke the silence, “I apologize, Siha. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to.”

She scoffed in disbelief and pulled him into a tight embrace, “Shut up, I want to,” she turned to face all of her teammates, “Thank you all… for this.”

“It’s the least we could do, Shepard,” Samara finally spoke up, “You saved our lives and assisted each of us in our own personal turmoil.”

“Where will you all go?”

Mordin answered, “Home.”

“My next job,” Zaeed said.

“Wherever the fuck this galaxy decides to toss me,” Jack answered.

“Well, I’ll be on the Normandy, waiting to take you where you need to go when you decide to,” Joker said.

The answers all varied. Each one of them walked forward to give her a hug, “I am happy that I was able to experience the time I did with all of you.”

“Good luck, Shepard,” Miranda said. Jacob saluted her and the crew walked off.

“If you’re ever up to it, drop by Palaven so we can have another contest, you got lucky this time,” Garrus said, shaking her hand, he turned to Thane and shook his hand, “Take care of my battle buddy, I’m going to need her to tell her side of these crazy stories.”

Thane nodded. Together, they watched as her team waved at her from the entrance of the club. This would be the last time in who knows how long she would see each of them. She felt a bit sad, but happy that she got to know them the way she did. That she got to bond with them; becoming good friends with all of them.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Contains Smut. >=]

Thane’s eyes lingered on every inch of Shepard’s body. She still slept. Soundly and peacefully, without a worry in the world.

She had been exhausted after the events at the club; but she insisted on staying up to spend time with him. He couldn’t allow that though, he wanted her to rest. After some kind, but persistent words were exchanged, she finally agreed to rest.

Now, as the horizon turned from a light blue to the bright orange of a new morning in the distance, he found himself so entranced by the serenity in front of him that he could not fall back to sleep. She breathed in slowly and he held her close, moving the loose strands of her black hair off of her face.

 _My Siha_ , he thought. He felt a twinge of guilt. He knew of her plans to head to the Alliance, and he knew that if he had asked her, she still would have agreed to taking a personal day or two. But, the galaxy needed saving. It’s times like these he wished he could be a bit more selfish. He figured he would take just today. One day. And he would let her go back to her duties. Maybe, if he was still alive after, they could be together once more. But for now, he would take the small amount of time he was given.

He sighed. His eyes still glued to her, he couldn’t resist but to plant a kiss on her forehead. As he did, he saw those ice blue eyes slowly open. Her lips pulled up into a smile as she saw him, and she snuggled closer to him, laying her head on his bare chest, “How long have you been up?”

“Awhile,” he answered, playing with the straps of her night shirt.

“Mmmm, why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because you looked so peaceful, Siha, I couldn’t find it in me to wake you.”

She exhaled softly, “I feel awful.”

“Then rest some more,” he urged, rubbing her head tenderly.

“No,” she protested, “No, I want to spend time with you.”

“Not while you’re feeling ill; rest some more. You’ll feel better,” he pulled her head up so he could plant a kiss on her lips.

“Then come back to sleep with me.”

He wanted to protest and tell her he wasn’t tired, but the look in her eyes suggested that she wouldn’t take no for an answer, not while he tried to make her sleep and stay awake. And it wasn’t like he could resist telling her no, “Very well, Siha.”

She nuzzled her head on his chest and he held her closely. He thought falling asleep would be difficult, but he smiled a little as he felt the familiar feeling of relaxation that meant a good, restful, sleep.

 

Thane was nervous as he awaited at the entrance of the club. It wasn’t necessarily a night club; it was a high end club that cost over 15,000 credits per person and one had to be dressed in “proper attire”. Of course, Shepard didn’t know that, if she knew how much he spent she would no doubt lose her mind. Very low maintenance, that woman.

He tried to imagine the look on her face as she read the note he left on the dress he got for her. She would no doubt have rolled her eyes and been a little annoyed at the notion of having to dress up. The thought made him smile a little.

His eyes were caught by a voice asking, “Is that Commander Shepard?”

There was a huge ruckus as he looked up and saw his Siha; her hair was straightened and looked even longer than it was. The strapless red dress he got her hugged her figure perfectly and she walked with such grace. He felt his jaw drop open; she never ceased to amaze him.

“Are you alright?”

He cleared his throat as he took her into his arms, “Yes, Siha. You look…”

She smiled and took his arm as they entered the club, “So do you.”

They shared a small laugh as they neared their table.

“Why the fancy club?”

He shrugged, “Ive been on Nos Astra many times before and have always heard about this place, always wanted to try it. Of course, I’ve never had much company. But now that I do, I figured it was time to give in to one of my own selfish wishes.”

“Well, in that case I won’t object,” she smirked.

Thane returned her smirk with a shy smile, “I like that.”

They spent the rest of the night dining and drinking some of Nos Astra’s finest imported wine from Earth; it tasted strange but he didn’t complain. It was something that reminded Joan of home.

“Do you miss Earth?”

Joan sighed, “Sometimes. I miss the small gang I used to hang around with. They were all mostly guys, except for this little girl, her name was Clara.”

“You’ve never spoken of your time on Earth,” he pointed, leaning back in his chair, lazily, feeling a little light headed.

She shrugged slightly, “There was really no one to tell it to; after I joined the military I spent most of my life alone, traveling from place to place, seeing new worlds. Besides, I doubt anyone was interested in my time as an orphan in the streets; all anyone really cared about was that I was the Butcher of Torfan.”

He saw her finish her drink and pour herself another glass from the bottle; he sensed a bit of tension but his curiosity got the better of him, “Well, I would like to know about little Clara, and your time on Earth.”

Her eyes met his, he steadily kept her gaze and tried to tell her with his eyes, that it was ok, “She was a small thing. Very petite, delicate. She had honey colored eyes and her hair was a light red. Her parents had abandoned her at a young age; drug addicts. When we found her, she was lying in a puddle of dirty water, too weak and tired to move, her skin was almost greyed out, the bones in her body were sticking out in sharp angles. We took her under our wing and kept her safe,” she chuckled as she took a drink, “The guys used to say that she was my saving grace; before her I was a little shit. Always fighting, provoking people, but when she came along… I just wanted to protect her.”

“Did something happen to her?”

“Yes,” she shifted in her seat, a little uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry, Siha,” he apologized, reaching for her hand. He grasped it lightly and her grip tightened around his.

“It’s fine, Thane,” she smiled, slightly, her eyes glassy. Almost as if she was on the brink of tears.

Quickly, he got up from his seat and asked her, “Would you like to dance?”

She chuckled, “You haven’t been listening to the crew huh? I can’t dance if my life depended on it.”

“I guess it’s a good thing your life doesn’t depend on it; if it makes you feel better, I’m not a great dancer either,” he assured.

She took hold of his hand and together they both made fools of themselves as they tried their best to ballroom dance. Of course, nobody really cared. Thane was glad that she was smiling now, she looked free. As if the whole world was laughing and she didn’t care. He couldn’t resist her as she laughed; he found himself pulling her closer to him and pressing his lips on hers.

She gently pushed him away, “Let’s get out of here.”

 

“I’ve never been to Nos Astra before I came to look for you, or Illium for that matter,” she said as they stood on the balcony. Overlooking the lights and the traffic moving swiftly in the night.

He poured her a glass of a vintage Hanar wine that he was fond of, “I’ve been here plenty of times, my contracts took me all over the galaxy and Illium was always one of the places I found myself in.”

“What was the most interesting place you’ve been to?”

“I was rather fond of Thessia; have you ever been there?”

She shook her head no, he continued, “It was interesting; much further advanced than most other planets I’ve been to. The Asari are a very fascinating race.”

“I agree,” she chuckled, “I don’t have to worry about you being too fascinated with our fellow Asari companions, do I?”

“Of course not,” he said, grabbing her by her waist and pulling her in, “You’re the only woman that has my complete fascination.”

His lips started planting small kisses on her neck, going down towards her collarbone.

“Thane?”

“Hm?”

“Do not be gentle with me,” she sighed.

His lips left her skin as he looked at her; her eyes were burning with want and lust. His hand traced her curve as it went down to her leg where the slit in her dress was, he grabbed it tightly and tore it upwards. His fingers reached up and to his surprise, he found that she was not wearing anything. She smiled deviously as he noticed this. The thought drove him crazy. He quickly grabbed her rear and lifted her up; her hands yanked at the opening of his shirt, the buttons flew off as she crazily kissed him. He placed her atop the table on the balcony, the sounds of the traffic drowning out the sighs of yearning.

The pressure in his pants was building fast, but he figured he would try something first; he licked his fingers before slowly penetrating her with them. She moaned at the feeling of his fingers inside of her; he could feel her body reacting to his touch, his fingers wet with her liquids. He guessed she was enjoying it so he decided to be a little bold. He bent down on his knees and lifted the dress.

She gasped as his tongue touched her area. He knew exactly which place to lick that would drive her crazy. Her body moved with the pleasure of him licking her, her hands grabbing the sides of his face, pushing him further into her. The movements of his tongue went quicker as she moaned, loudly. Her moans started coming closer together, her breathing was becoming more labored. Suddenly, he felt her lower abdominal area contract and her body relaxed. Her hands gripping the sides of his face dropped to the table.

He kissed her thigh before getting back on his feet; his eyes drank her in as she laid on the table, staring at him, breathing heavily. He undid his pants and grabbed his hard penis; without thought, he placed himself inside of her, letting his body take over. It wasn’t slow, it wasn’t fast. It was a good rhythm; he moaned at the feeling of being inside of her, his eyes meeting hers.

Without thought, his hands reached towards the torn slit on her dress. He tore the rest of the fabric open. Her breasts bounced with every thrust he did; his hands grabbed her hips and he slammed into her, harder. She sat up and removed his shirt, slowly pushing him towards the ground, in just a few moments, he was on his back on the pavement of the balcony, her naked figure on top of him.

After a few moments, Thane felt that familiar pressure. He gently pulled her off of him as he saw the familiar liquid spill out of the tip of his head.

She smiled at him, and he returned her smile with a smirk. She was on her knees, and she leaned down to put his penis in her mouth. He was a little shocked to see that she had swallowed the milky white liquid, he had never been with anyone that did that. But he still smiled as he told her, “I’m not finished with you yet.”


	27. Chapter 27

“Oh, Thane,” she groaned as he climbed off of her, and laid on the soft bed. His chest was hurting from all the exertion; they were at it for hours.

He smirked as he thought of the second time, how they barely even made it to the living room area. Falling to the floor, both going crazy with ravenous desire. Luckily, they had managed to make it to the bedroom the fourth time around.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Siha,” he reassured her, “It just gets a little hard to breathe sometimes.”

She kissed his chest lightly as she laid on her stomach, “Mmmm, it was great. My whole body feels numb.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he smiled, rubbing her back.

They were silent for awhile, both of them trying to catch their breaths until she spoke up, “She died.”

Thane turned his head towards her; she was still lying on her stomach, her face on the pillow, “Clara?”

She nodded, “The thing about being an orphan on the streets of Earth, you have to band together with others for protection. I told you how I was always looking for fights; but Clara changed that. I went into mother mode with her. Before Clara, there was a guy, Lox he called himself. Stupid fucking name. He was the leader of another gang; he was known as this big badass, always bragged about how he killed other kids around on the streets. I was so full of pride that I decided I would kick his ass, just to prove show everyone that he was a walking sack of shit. And I did, it was a one on one fight. The guy was humiliated and I was strutting around overcome with arrogance. I never heard from him in months. One day, Clara and I were walking the streets looking for work. Some boy pulled her into an alley, and I followed. They dragged her into an old, abandoned building. That’s when I saw Lox. I ran up to him, ready to kick his ass, I figured i did it once, I could do it again. What I didn’t count on was the steel rod he used to smack me across the face with. He beat me with it repeatedly until I was spitting blood…”

She paused, closing her eyes. Almost as if the memory was so real that it consumed her, he gently rubbed her arm, a gesture of comfort, she opened her eyes as she continued, “I thought they were done. But Lox felt I needed a reminder why I shouldn’t have fucked with him, so he took the pole and he-“

Her eyes welled up with tears, “She was only 10. She screamed my name over and over, begging me to help her. The guys laughed as they held me up to see her die. I heard the blow that killed her; I heard her skull crack. I remember screaming before he told me, ‘Next time, it’s you,’ then everything went black.”

She turned on her back now, her eyes on the ceiling, “I was out for days; they buried her without me there. The police couldn’t figure out who did it and everyone was too scared to say that it was Lox. When they asked me, I told them I didn’t remember what happened. I dropped off the radar for awhile… then, I came back. He was harassing the members of my old gang, and when he saw me, he said that he warned me and he picked up a pipe, to show me, I suppose. He had strength on his side, but I had anger. Anger that had manifested into hatred. I fought him again, one on one; his crew figured I would let him go. But I instead grabbed the pole and hit him, over and over until I heard that crack that I heard when he killed Clara. My gang understood my need for vengeance, so they took down the other crew members and they all met the same fate that Lox did. I burned the bodies, after. The police investigated, they tried to get me to confess since they didn’t have proof that I did it. They were looking to question my crew, but they had all snuck into a cargo shuttle heading for a colony on Eden Prime.”

Her eyes turned to meet his now, “I stayed alone for a few years; never getting close to anyone until I came of age and I joined the military. I worked my way up and I was known for getting the job done, no matter the cost. I forgot about Clara until Torfan; when they started calling me the Butcher, it reminded me of what I did on Earth. I know Clara would be terrified of me if she saw my ruthless nature.”

“You miss her?”

“Some days more than others,” she sighed, “No one knows that part of my life. Do you think differently of me now?”

He pulled her in close, hugging her tightly, “Not at all, Siha. We are identical, you and I. Both trying to make up for our troubled pasts; to look down on you would be like looking down on myself. If anything, it makes me love you more. You may not think you’re perfect; but I know that you are.”

She whispered as she asked, “You love me?”

He grabbed her chin and lifter her face so he could look at her, “With all my heart, Siha.”


	28. Chapter 28

Joan’s eyes slowly opened; she smiled as she felt Thane’s arms around her, his breathing gentle and deep. Judging by the lighting coming in through the windows, she figured it was mid day.

“Siha?”

“Yes, Thane?”

“How long have you been awake?”

She breathed in deeply as she turned to face him, “I just woke up a few moments ago.”

“Good, I was worried that I had slept too long,” he said, kissing her forehead lightly.

She smiled as she planted a kiss on his chest. They laid in silence for awhile; her thoughts were distracted by the fact that she would have to leave Thane soon. With the threat of the Reapers still looming over her, she couldn’t delay another second. Even though she wanted to so badly to stay with him, “I have to go soon.”

“I know,” he whispered, pulling her closer, “I have been selfish in wanting you to stay longer, I apologize for this. I can’t bear the thought of being without you.”

“Neither can I,” she replied, feeling pained.

She felt his hands pull her face towards him; the kiss was soft and sweet. She felt her body react to him, wanting him, again. But not rough and lustrous like the night before, this was like the first time, sweet and gentle… loving.

Her eyes closed as he pushed himself into her, his teeth gently biting her lips. Her eyes opened and she stared deep into his large black eyes.

For a few moments, she was in pure bliss. Her heart pounded hard and her hands smoothly rubbed his back as his hand gripped her rear, softly. He sighed as he pulled out and gripped his head, trying to stop the spewing of the creamy liquid.

She chuckled as he looked away, embarrassed, “What is it?”

“That was too quick,” he groaned, annoyed.

“Of all things for you to be worried about…” she trailed off as she turned his head to face her, and planted a soft kiss.

“I suppose it’s a pride thing, I’ve never been a proud person, but I aim to please you and I failed,” he said, wiping the stuff with a few pieces of tissue.

She scoffed, “You always please me.”

He dumped the tissues in the small garbage can next to the bed and laid for a few moments with her. She felt a little dizzy, but it was to be expected, after all, Mordin did warn her. A thought crossed her mind and before she could stop herself, she found herself asking, “What would happen if you didn’t pull out?”

Thane’s eyes slowly made their way to her face as he tried to process the question. She quickly apologized, “I’m sorry if it was a stupid question-“

“No need for apologies, Siha. That is a very interesting question,” he paused, trying to assess what he would say next, “I assume the same thing would happen that normally happens with either of our species; a child is conceived.”

Her eyebrows scrunched together as she tried to imagine it, “But, how? I mean, I’m human and you’re…”

“To be completely truthful, Siha, I’m not exactly sure either. For my species it takes fifteen months for the child to be what you would call full term; I know it takes about nine for humans. With that being said it’s hard to say what that would be like, I haven’t heard of any drell/human pairings having children.”

The silence in the room was deafening before Thane spoke up, “Why do you ask, Siha? Are you…?”

He let the question trail off but she knew what he implied. The thought never crossed her mind; she was Joan Shepard. Commander of the Normandy. Butcher of Torfan. Mother? She tried to be a mother to a child and that turned out horribly.

“I haven’t given it much thought… truthfully, I was just curious,” she paused, and then continued, realizing what she had implied, “I’m not saying I wouldn’t with you, or-“ She groaned, frustrated. _Way to go, you fucking idiot. Now he thinks you are a closet xenophobe to cross species children. Great._

He chuckled as he leaned over to kiss her cheek, “It’s fine, Siha. Besides, in the state I’m in, I don’t believe it would be wise to father a child,” he smiled at her reassuringly as he stood up from the bed, “I should clean up.”

She nodded, falling back into the bed. Her eyes followed his naked body as he made his way into the restroom. She closed her eyes for a few moments; to try to make sure the memory of his beautiful green body was still in her mind. _I wish I had drell memory, sometimes_.

She suddenly found herself thinking of the looming threat on the horizon. Leaving the bed, she made her way towards the big window in the room, looking over the Nos Astra skyline. Her eyes glared at the sky; they were out there. The real threat to the whole galaxy. As much as she loved her time with Thane, and as much as she wanted to stay, she could not put this off any longer than she already has.

It took everything in her to make the call to Joker, but as soon as she heard that voice, the Commander came back into play, and Siha was far away.

 

Thane was silent the whole way to the docking bay; it was only right that he accompanies his Siha back to her ship. To say farewell. He didn’t know when he would see her again, or if he would still be alive by the time she would return. Knowing this gave him a small twinge of fear; and hesitation as to what he would even say to her.

He gripped her hand, wanting to will every ounce of his being into her body. He wanted so much to go with her, but she made it clear before they left the apartment that she would not allow him to incriminate himself, besides, he had Kolyat to attend to. As soon as she mentioned him, he knew that she knew he would drop the subject. And so, he did.

They neared the Normandy and his body screamed, willing him to say something, anything. She stopped at the end, near the doors to the ship, her eyes meeting his.

“So, this is it,” she said, taking his other hand.

“Yes,” he muttered, trying to keep his breathing in check, “Look, if anything should happen… It’s been a short amount of time but… you’ve made me very happy, and for the sake of us all, I hope they listen to you.”

She threw herself into him, and his arms embraced her, he closed his eyes tightly, knowing that he would remember this moment with perfect clarity. He felt her lips on his cheek as she planted a kiss on him, and her voice whispered, “I love you, Thane.”

His heart fluttered as he heard the words, and with ease, he replied, “I love you, Siha.”

He took her face in his hands and kissed her; passionately. In that kiss, he poured all his love, his happiness and his hope. When he finally released her, she smirked as she slowly walked towards the door. His hands instinctively went behind his back; his fingers gripping each other tightly to stop himself from making her stay. As the Normandy’s doors opened, she turned and said, “I’ll see you soon, Thane.”

He gave her a slight nod, with a half smile. His eyes never leaving as he watched the doors shut behind her. He bowed his head and grasped his hands as he mumbled a prayer. He could hear the sounds of the ship slowly undocking from the port; his eyes opened in time to watch the ship ascend into the sky, with his heart on board.


	29. Chapter 29

“How long until we reach the Alliance?”

“Captain Anderson is currently on Earth, overseeing military operations on behalf of Admiral Hackett,” EDI answered, “Approximate arrival time to Earth is one day.”

Joan sighed, “Get us there as quick as possible; did you relay the information to the Admiral and Anderson?”

“We did, Shepard, but Anderson doesn’t think it’s a good idea for you to dock at Earth, he mentioned there is a high chance at us being detained… you know, since we were working with the terrorists,” Joker said.

She paced behind Joker’s seat for a few moments, “I won’t ask you to take that risk for me.”

Joker laughed, “You can make me fly this ship to Ilos and through the Omega-4 relay, and that’s me risking my ass, but you won’t ask me to risk a little jail time? C’mon commander, we’re still a team and I know the risks. I’ll get you to Earth in no time; because we’re all in a hurry to be jailed up.”

“Keep being a smart ass and I’ll toss you into the Omega-4 relay myself,” she joked.

“Ever the violent one, I’d have figured Thane would have toned you down, but he is an assassin, so the chances of that happening were wishful thinking on my behalf,” he paused, before turning his chair around and asking, “You ok?”

“I’m fine, Joker,” she answered.

He sighed, “For what it’s worth, I think he’s great for you… in a killers attract each other kind of way,”

She chuckled, “I should go.”

“See you Commander.”

She sighed heavily as she made her way to the cabin, it was strange to see the Normandy near empty; she tried to make it a point to her crew that they would be detained once she neared the Alliance. Most of them left, with the exception of a few stubborn people.

The doors of the elevator closed behind her and she closed her eyes as she waited for it to stop on her floor. She couldn’t keep her thoughts off of Thane. She breathed in, deeply. Remembering the few times she bumped into him on the elevator and she chuckled. She almost wished he would have gone with her. Almost. There was no way in hell she was going to let him get detained, no matter how strong her selfish desires were.

It seemed like forever when the doors opened and she entered her cabin. A wave of sadness washed over her as she saw the bed. She felt a great ache in her chest as she sat at the edge of it. Closing her eyes, she fell back and inhaled deeply; thinking about the night before they invaded the collector base. She recalled the look on his face as he was distraught and the tears that flowed from his eyes; those big, dark, mysterious eyes that she adored looking into.

Her eyes opened and she stared up into the millions of stars that shone through the window above. They were miles apart, and she still felt a tugging sensation pulling her towards him. A yearning of wanting to turn the ship around and head back to Nos Astra.

_If you do that, then the Reapers will come and all will be gone. Even Thane._

She heard the ping on her private terminal. Sluggishly, she willed herself to get up and check what was going on. Her heart skipped as she saw the sender.

_Siha,_

_Although you left just a few hours ago, I could not help but send you a message. I wanted to let you know, that I was so happy to spend those few days with you. I find myself thinking of you every single minute that passes by, I am consumed by you. I close my eyes and I see those ice blue eyes staring back at me._

_I understand that you are concerned with the well-being of the galaxy, and there is a darkness that is coming, a darkness that you are aware of and only you can save us all. But please, do not neglect_ your _well-being in the process. I believe in you._

_I wish I was with you. I wish I could help you. Please, keep in touch and if there is anything I can do to assist you, you need only ask and I will drop what I am doing to come and find you._

_I love you._

_-Thane._

A small smile spread across her lips as her fingers typed a response to him. After she sent it, she walked back towards the bed and laid there, feeling a glimmer of hope that she could save them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are at the end of the first part. Just letting you guys know, the second part of my story will be up and ready next week. Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy the second part as much as the first. 
> 
> Also, feel free to leave some feedback on the character's and the direction that the story is taking. I understand that there may be some confusion, but this is all buildup to whats going to happen in the second part of the story. ^_^  
> Or message me on my tumblr page https://www.tumblr.com/search/sihakrios28
> 
> Much love,  
> Remmy B.  
> -SihaKrios28


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part of the story skips off to the beginning of ME3. I would like to point out that this part also follows the storyline here and there, although not entirely verbatim. Also, like ME3, this part of the story shows a different side of Joan. You start to see more complex emotions going on inside of her as this is when shit gets real and the fact that she cut and colored her hair is a symbolism of the change in character. If you have any questions or are confused, then please feel free to message or review. Thank you!

The days were tedious, to say the least. Joan did her best to keep herself in shape, but even so, after being indoors for so long one could only do so many sit ups, push ups and other exercises to alleviate the dullness.

_151,152,153,154._

Her abs weren’t burning yet, and she wasn’t physically tired; she was mentally tired. She sat up and wiped the small beads of sweat on her forehead. Her arms on her knees, she sighed and put her head in her hands.

_When will this be over?_

For months the Alliance has been pushing away the fact that the Reapers are coming, even with the 103rd Marine division crashing that asteroid into the mass relay to delay the Reapers they still wouldn’t face the fucking truth. She was aware of the many lives that were lost on the Batarian homeworld and a sense of anger flowed through her. They were only the beginning.

The only ones that believed her were trying like hell to get everyone else to understand that the threat was very much real; both Anderson and Hackett were doing all they could, based on the little amount of information that she was given. So she heard. She didn’t doubt it, but her impatience grew day after day.

She sighed in frustration and furiously jumped to her feet. She walked over to the window in the room. Her arm settled against the frame and the other hung sheepishly on her side; through the clean glass she glared at the serenity that was her home, Earth. Vancouver, to be exact.

Down below, her eyes lingered on the many human lives that were going about their day, unaware of the impending doom that would soon befall them if they did not act. In the distance, she saw a little boy playing with what looked like a shuttle.

Her eyes then caught her own reflection; her hair was a little bit past her shoulders and shaved on the right side. In a fit of boredom she figured, why the hell not? She figured she’d also dye it red while she was at it. No one really questioned her when she asked for the products, but they did give her questioning looks when they saw what she had done. Her eyes looked troubled, as she had been feeling since the day they took her in.

She shook her head slightly. Trying to forget the image of herself.

She turned suddenly as the door had opened, and she was saluted by a bulky leuitenant, “Commander.”

Joan walked towards him, grabbing a datapad that was on her bed, “You’re not supposed to call me that anymore, James.”

“I’m not supposed to salute you either, but we gotta go, the defense committee wants to see you,” he said, walking out of the room.

Joan’s eyebrows scrunched up and she tossed the datapad back on the bed, “Sounds important.”

_Hm…_

She was overtaken by the amount of movement happening around her, everyone seemed to be in a hurry. Well, in more of a hurry.

“What’s going on?”

“Couldn’t say, just told me they needed you… now.”

Joan scoffed. They only wanted her when they needed something. Typical.

_Geez, when did I turn so fucking cynical?_

Her thoughts were interrupted as she saw a familiar face, she felt a smile come across her lips. The first one in months, “Anderson.”

James stood at attention and saluted him, “Admiral.”

Anderson nodded at him and took shook her hand, but quickly motioned for them to keep walking, “You look good, Shepard. I have to ask, what happened to the hair?”

“Well give me extra time with nothing to do and the result is red hair and an obsession with keeping in shape,” she joked.

“How’ve you been holding up since being relieved from duty?”

She thought about it for a moment, she didn’t want to seem as though she was complaining so she settled for a bit of positivity, “It’s not so bad, once you get used to warm food and soft beds. Could be worse.”

He chuckled, “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get you squared away.”

“What’s going on? Why is everyone in such a hurry?”

Anderson paused for a second before answering, “Admiral Hackett is mobilizing the fleets. I’m guessing word’s made it to Alliance command, something big is headed our way.”

Joan felt her eyes slowly widen as she stopped in her steps, “The Reapers?”

“We don’t know, not for certain,” Anderson replied.

She felt a hint of skepticism seep into her voice, “What else could it be?”

“If I knew that…”

Joan sighed, she knew it was them, “It’s the Reapers. And we’re not ready for them, not by a long shot.”

“Tell that to the defense committee,” Anderson said, walking.

Joan followed, “Unless we’re planning on talking the Reapers to death the committee is a waste of time.”

“They’re just scared, none of them have seen what you seen. You’ve faced down the Reapers, hell you even spoke to one. Blew the damn thing up. You’ve seen how they harvest us, what they plan to do to us. You know more about his enemy than anyone.”

The frustration that she harbored suddenly grew a bit more, “That why they grounded me, took away my ship?”

Anderson stopped suddenly, he turned to face her as if he was getting ready to scold her, “You know that’s not true, the shit you’ve done, any other soldier would have been tried, court martialed and discharged.”

Joan looked down, slightly embarrassed that she lashed out. Anderson continued, “Its your knowledge of the Reapers that kept that from happening.”

She crossed her arms and nodded, “That and your good word.”

“Yeah, I trusted you, and so does the committee.”

“I’m just a soldier, Anderson. I’m no politician.”

Anderson started walking again as he responded, “I don’t need you to be either, I just need you to do whatever the hell it takes to help us stop the Reapers.”

Joan nodded. They continued on through the doors where they were received by a lady with short brown hair, “They’re expecting you two, Admiral.”

She escorted them through another set of doors. Anderson and the lady both paused in front of another man with a datapad, most likely answering a question.

“Good luck in there, Shepard,” James said.

Joan turned and shook his hand, “Thanks, James. Hopefully this goes well.”

“Ah don’t worry too much about it, I’m sure they’ll listen to whatever it is you say, you’re the only one with any experience on these pendejos.”

“If not, I can always just beat the shit out of them til they listen,” she joked.

James stared at her, not sure if she was being serious, “I guess it was a bad joke.”

He was halfway through a chuckle when she heard a familiar voice call out her name, she turned and to her surprise, “Kaidan.”

“How’d it go in there?” Anderson asked as she made her way towards them.

Kaidan’s eyes were locked on her for a few moments before he turned to Anderson, “Okay, I think. It’s hard to know, I’m just waiting for orders now.”

Joan quickly observed the new insignia on his uniform, “Major?”

“You hadn’t heard?”

“No, I hadn’t,” she answered Anderson, her eyes still on Kaidan.

“Sorry, Shepard, it’s been… awhile,” Kaidan said. It had been awhile. The last time she saw him was through the vid comm onboard the Normandy. When he broke up with her to date a doctor that he had been speaking with.

There was a small amount of tension, but she shrugged it off, “It’s ok, just… glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.”

_Am I?_

“Yeah. Me too,” he mumbled. As if he wasn’t sure what to think about the encounter.

“Admiral, they’re waiting for you,” the lady came and informed them.

Anderson nodded and started walking towards the door, “Come on.”

Joan followed after Anderson, her eyes still on Kaidan. He smiled slightly, giving her a nod. Bidding her a silent good luck. She couldn’t help but give him a half smile in response.

Her eyes fixated on the door in front of her; she walked with defiance. Determined to make the best of this meeting and get these assholes to do something about what was going to happen.


	31. Chapter 31

“What’s the situation?” Joan asked the committee.

“We were hoping you would tell us,” one of the committee members answered; he was bald, maybe in his mid fifties.

A young man came up to her and handed her a datapad, Joan glanced at It; skimming thorugh the various reports.

“The reports coming in are… unlike we’ve ever seen. Whole colonies have gone dark, we lost contact with anything beyond the Sol Relay,” the woman committee member said; she looked to be in her fifties as well, her hair was a washed out grey and she had a more sympathetic tone. She was worried.

“Whatever this is, its incomprehensibly powerful,” the male committee member said.

Joan’s frustration that had been building up suddenly burst out as she spoke, “You brought me here to confirm what you already know; the Reapers are here.”

There was a stirring in the room as she said it; it was as if they knew what was happening but couldn’t bear the thought of saying it out loud for fear that it might make the threat real. Funny thing was that it was very much real, whether they said it loudly, whispered it or even thought it.

After a few moments, the female committee member finally spoke, “Then… how do we stop them?”

“Stop them? This isn’t about strategy or tactics, this is about survival,” Joan started, stepping towards the large podium that seated the members, “The Reapers are much more advanced than we are; more powerful, more intelligent. They don’t fear us, and they’ll never take pity on us.”

The woman sighed, anxiously, “But, there must be some way.”

All eyes were on her now. All of them, staring at her, waiting for her to say something that would provide them with a beacon of hope. She couldn’t lie to them, they had to face the facts, “Each of us has to be willing to die to save humanity. Anything less, and they’ve already won.”

“That’s it?” the male member asked, skeptically and a bit agitated, “That’s our plan?!”

Joan was about to retort to his question when a small woman started, “Admiral, we lost contact with Luna base!”

“The moon?” Anderson inquired. His head dropped, “They couldn’t be that close already.”

“How could they get past our defenses?” the female member enquired, mostly to herself.

“Sir, UK Headquarters has a visual,” the small lady informed. Joan turned to glance at the screen behind her.

There was static first; it was difficult to see at first but after awhile the picture became a little clearer. A man was shouting into the camera, what he was saying was unintelligible. There was a lot of movement and what looked to be fighting in the background. Suddenly, an explosion went off behind the man and the screen lost signal, but only for a few moments before it picked up signal in a different area.

In the midst of all the chaos stood one enormous ship. A Reaper. The screen shrank down to make room for more footage; chaos, panic and soldiers fighting them back. The Reaper came back to the middle of screen. A flood of anger washed through Joan. Her fists tightened at the sight.

Anderson spoke up before she did, “Why haven’t we heard from Admiral Hackett?”

Now, her anger turned to worry. _What if the Admiral didn’t survive? What if the Reapers wiped out the fleets?_

“What do we do?”

She shut her eyes, tightly. With all her frustration directed at the Reapers, she turned and marched towards the podium before answering, “The only thing we can do; we fight or we die.”

_Plain and simple. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell them for past six fucking months._

The committee members’ heads hung at this, they were probably hoping for something better. Maybe some form of advantage that they had over them. But she had none.

Anderson came up beside her, “We need to get to the Normandy.”

In that brief moment, there was a deep, rumbling sound. Anderson looked at her questioningly, the look she gave him was a brief puzzled look. The committee members left their seats to look out of the window, trying to trace the source of the sound. Joan knew as soon as she saw the tips of the legs descending from the sky; a full fledged Reaper had arrived. In that instant, the Reaper shot out a massive red laser beam and annihilated everything in sight. Her eyes followed the movement of the laser and her eyes widened, “Move!”

The laser shot at the window and instantly killed the committee members. Anderson and a few others ran towards the door, “Go!”

She turned briefly to see the desk fly over them and crash in front of them. She slid down to avoid getting hit from any debris but as she got back up, she was knocked back from a shockwave. The air was knocked out of her as she hit the wall and fell to the floor. For a few moments, everything was blurry. Her ears rang and she saw little black dots dancing in her eyesight.

“Shepard!”

The shouting was indistinct, but she could make out the voice and felt reassured that Anderson was alright, “Shepard!”

She sat up as he neared her. He held out his hand and helped her up, “You’re alright, here, take this.”

He handed her a pistol, loading it, “We’ve got to get moving.”

Joan followed him as he made his way towards the broken window. Joan looked for more survivors, hoping that at least some of them had made it. But as she turned the body of the female committee member and glanced at the burning room, she knew that they were the only two survivors.

Anderson was on the radio, it sounded like he was speaking to Kaidan. She could barely hear him as he informed Kaidan that they would meet at the landing zone; her eyes and her mind were taking in what was in front of her. The one Reaper was now accompanied by a dozen others, all of them attacking and sending down pods. There were fighter pilots in the air, all trying to fight them off.

_Fuck._

She turned and met Anderson’s gaze, both of them thinking the same thing.

“C’mon, we need to get moving,” he said, jumping down from the small bed of plants. Joan lingered for one moment, glancing at the Reaper before following suit.

 

Joan grunted as she pried open the door. The surge of adrenaline she felt numbed her face for a moment, it was a good thing she decided to stay fit as the husks that attacked them would have kicked their asses.

“Through this way,” she called to Anderson. She held the door open for him and waited until he was safely through. As she was about to enter, she heard a clunking sound. And a small gasp.

She looked back and saw nothing. Letting go of the door, she made her way slowly towards the ventilation shaft. There was a little boy. Her heart skipped a little. He was alone.

“Hey,” she called out, softly, squatting down so she could look at the boy. He was about 9, dark blonde hair. His eyes were full of fear. She felt a tugging in her heart as she recalled someone that he reminded her of, she tried to make her voice as gentle as possible, “It’s ok, don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you”

“Everyone’s dying,” he cried.

There was more rumbling, she held out her hand, “Come with me, dear, I’ll get you to safety… take my hand.”

The little boy’s tears were threating to overflow as he said, “You can’t help me…”

She felt the sorrow fill her face as he said that, as she was about to climb into the vent, she turned to Anderson’s voice, “Shepard! In here.”

He walked back towards the door and she looked back at the boy. She sighed as she saw that he was no longer there, “Hey, come back!”

She waited for a few more moments before she finally realized that he was gone. Reluctantly, she followed after Anderson, hoping that the little boy would somehow find his way to safety. But that hope wasn’t enough.

They walked into a room that was filled to the brim with fire and rubble, Anderson moved a panel out of the way, frustrated, “Ugh this is a goddamned mess! Every minute these machines are here, thousands of innocents will die!”

“It’s not your fault; it’s not anyone’s fault. If there’s anyone to blame its those damned Reapers,” Joan said. She did her best at attempting to reassure him.

“It all happened so fast, I thought we’d die,” he said.

“We knew they were coming,” she grunted, lifting a beam up to let him through.

“And they still just cut through our defenses,” he paused as he squatted down beneath another beam, “We need to go to the Citadel! Talk to the council!”

Joan felt the disbelief on her face; when Sovereign first attacked, she sacrificed lives to make sure the council survived and when she was working with Cerberus, they reinstated her Spectre status, but that didn’t mean that they would drop what they were doing to help fight the Reapers. They barely wanted to reinstate her Spectre status, the only reason they did was to repay the fact that they still had their lives. And besides, she didn’t want to go play politican, she wanted to stay and fight. They were attacking her home.

“The Citadel? The fight is here,” she scoffed.

“It’ll be everywhere soon enough, you said so yourself; the Reapers will destroy everything if we don’t stop them,” he grunted as he moved forward, “The council has to help us.”

“You sure about that?” she asked, moving forward on the edge of the high building.

“No, but you’re a council Spectre, that has to count for something,” he said, believing that her status would help. She wasn’t so sure.

There was a rumbling and suddenly Joan almost felt forward, luckily, Anderson caught her in time, “Got ya!”

“Thanks,” she gasped, thankful that he was there, “I owe you one.”

“More than one.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this chapter is late in posting up. I have been very busy lately with some personal crap and I haven't had time to update, but I tried to do it on schedule! I'm sorry!
> 
> Either way, hope you guys enjoy!

Joan shot a full clip at the Cannibal Reapers; followed by a grenade. Anderson stayed crouched behind cover while looking for an extra thermal clip.

“I’m out of ammo!”

She tossed an extra clip at him and he reloaded, shooting towards them. A few got close but they were quickly taken down by Anderson. They were coming in heavy waves, and they were getting overwhelmed for awhile; Joan was out of clips and she was down to her last grenade.

“I hope they get here soon!”

“You and me both!” She shouted back to Anderson, “Cover me!”

“Wha-? Shepard!”

She didn’t listen to him shouting, she jumped over the steel pillar that she used for cover and punched a Cannibal. It shrieked in her face as she punched it a few more times before taking stabbing it with her omni tool. She quickly picked up a few more thermal clips as she rushed back to her beam and took cover.

“What the hell was that?” yelled Anderson.

She tossed him a few more clips and then proceeded to reload hers, “We needed ammo!”

Anderson didn’t protest; he continued to shoot at the Cannibals and she did the same, letting her anger take over. Taking down each target one by one. She didn’t grab enough clips because her assault rifle suddenly clicked, and she had nothing else to refill it. Quickly, she took out her pistol and used up that clip as well.

“I’m done!” She shouted at Anderson, who was in cover as well.

She peeked up over the beam and saw the Cannibals closing in; she felt a tremendous amount of ease as she heard Kaidan’s voice in her ear, “The cavalry has arrived!”

There was a loud explosion, she stood up to see that they had shot explosives at the Cannibals and she was glad to see it; the Normandy. In the air.

“About time!” Anderson shouted.

She heard another explosion and saw more Cannibals headed their way, “Let’s go!”

Her legs pushed her towards the Normandy, which was hovering in the air, lowering itself to retrieve them. She slid over a beam and she ran up a ramp. She was relieved as she saw the shuttle bay door open and Kaidan, along with James, run up to provide cover fire.

She made the leap towards the ramp, Kaidan grabbed her hand as she slightly tripped, helping her onto the ship, “Welcome aboard, Shepard.”

“Thanks,” she said. Too distraught to really pay attention to anything else other than the chaos.

“Shepard,” Anderson started.

“Come on!” she motioned for him to jump, as she did that, a few shuttles with soldiers arrived. About time, “I’m not going.”

Her facial expression gave it away; _why the hell did he want to stay?_

“You saw those men back there; there’s a million more like them and they need a leader.”

Joan started to get ready to jump out, “We’re in this fight together, Anderson.”

“Stop! It’s a fight we can’t win, not without help,” Joan stopped dead in her tracks as he continued, “We need every species, and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers.”

Joan sighed and grabbed the bridge of her nose, she knew where this was going, “Talk to the council, convince them to help us.”

“What if they won’t listen?”

“Then make them listen! Now go! That’s an order!”

“I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember?”

She felt like an asshole for saying it, but it was true. He reached into his pocket and tossed her a set of tags. She caught them with ease, “Consider yourself reinstated, Commander. You know what you have to do.”

They locked eyes for a moment, a silent understanding. She didn’t want to leave, but she had to. They both knew that she was the best chance at the council helping, “I’ll be back for you, and I’ll bring every fleet I can.”

She started to walk towards the safer end of the open bay door before turning her head and saying, “Good luck.”

“You too, Shepard,” he answered.

She turned again, her eyes tired. Everything in her was shouting to stay, but Anderson trusted her. And she trusted him. She would not let him down. She couldn’t. Her eyes met Kaidan’s as she stood next to him, he nodded at her, as if reassuring her that she was doing the right thing. Her eyes fell back on Anderson as the Normandy ascended. He disappeared into the foray a few more shuttles landed.

The home she knew was going up in flames and she watched as she saw desperate people hurry onto the shuttles. Her tired eyes fell onto a small figure with dark blonde hair. Suddenly, her eyes were wide open. It was the little boy in the vent. He looked at her directly, and she looked at him.

Her eyes then fell on a Reaper that was powering up a laser. She then watched as the little boy shielded his eyes and then ran towards the shuttle. She felt her heart beating fast, hoping that the shuttles would hurry up and get them out of there. Hoping that he would survive. The doors closed, and she saw those eyes, for the last time.

She watched as the shuttles ascended and were gaining their momentum, finally leaving with the civilians on board. Her heart thudded loudly in her ears as she saw one of the shuttles get shot down by the Reaper’s laser beam. She hoped with all of her being that the second one, the one the with child on board, would make it. But her hopes were crushed as she watched, powerlessly, the second shuttle suffer the same fate.

Joan turned her face, her eyes shut tightly. Feeling that familiar sting of uselessness; of not being able to save him. She opened her eyes at the sight, letting the sorrow come up before she quickly pushed it back down, turning it into anger. She turned as the doors shut, finally freeing her eyes from the horror. However, even though her eyes were free, her mind was still imprisoned by the millions of lives that would surely be lost. This was far from over.

 

Joan angrily grunted as she put her boots on. She was briefed on a mission to head to Mars, orders from Hackett. That wasn’t what angered her. What angered her was that she agreed with James; she would much rather be back on Earth, fighting alongside Anderson and her people. Instead she was sent to play nice with the council. She didn’t have the time or patience for that shit anymore. She just saw her home planet get attacked.

But, she was going because Anderson ordered her to. If he asked, she would have still done it. She respected him that much. He was one of the few people that she looked up to, especially after everything he’s done for her.

Her thoughts were so jumbled, and she was so concentrated on trying to figure it all out that she barely noticed when Kaidan spoke to her. She felt bad for not catching what he said, “What was that?”

He leaned against the beam next to the table with all the guns, “I asked if you were fine.”

She shook her head and ran her hand through her hair, “I’m alright, just a little… ugh I don’t even know if theres a word for it, I guess… vexed.”

Joan looked up at him, his eyes were on her. It was that look that he typically gave her when he was contemplating something, when he wanted something, “Something on your mind, Major?”

“I’m just not sure what to make of this; you being here after working with Cerberus. I mean, I thought I would never see you again… and yet, here you are. I just… don’t know,” he sighed, slightly irked.

She scoffed as she stood and straightened up. It had been awhile since she wore her armor; it looked like someone had changed the green trim to all black. She would need to fix that soon. She walked towards the weapons table and started loading up, “Look, I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. I worked with Cerberus because they had the resources I needed to get the job done.”

“So, you just use them and then once they outlive their usefulness to you, you drop them?”

_What the fuck?_

She couldn’t contain the look of puzzlement in her eyes, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Are you going to do the same with the Alliance? Once we’ve outlived our usefulness to you, you’re just going to go and find the next thing that offers you a better deal? Better resources?”

She got the feeling he wasn’t talking about her relations with Cerberus. She put down her weapon and crossed her arms, “What is this about, Kaidan? Really?”

He breathed out deeply, shaking his head, “Don’t worry about it, I’m just… Look, don’t listen to me, ok? I’m still reeling from what happened on Earth.”

His lips said one thing, but if there was something Joan picked up on from knowing him for so long was that his eyes always told the truth. And right now, his eyes were lying. Yes, she could tell he was deeply troubled about the attack on Earth; but she also knew that her presence really bothered him. Whether it was because of Cerberus or their romantic history, was the confusing part. She had to admit; there was a bit of unresolved tension in the air, but at first she wasn’t sure if she was just imagining it. Now it was all over the place.

However, being that there were more pressing matters to attend to, she decided to leave it alone.

“Commander, we are nearing Mars’ atmosphere, you might want to get the shuttle ready,” Joker announced.

“Alright, Joker,” she said. She turned to Kaidan, who was grabbing his guns, “You ready?”

“Yeah,” he answered.

She called out to James, who quickly ran over to them already in full armor. He grabbed his weapons and headed for the shuttle, “Want me to fly this thing?”

“Go for it, James,” she said, following him into the shuttle.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to let all of you know that my laptop caught a virus and I apologize for not posting when I should have. I had to do a factory reset but luckily, I had all of my stuff saved! Yay lol. Anyways, everything should be good now. Hope you all are enjoying it!

The scenery on Mars was somewhat disturbing; mostly due to the Cerberus operatives that were there. Joan was getting a little frustrated, mostly because of Kaidan’s accusation. She understood why he didn’t trust her, but that didn’t mean that merited his claims. So, naturally, when the airlock was closed and he approached her, she didn’t know how to begin. She turned, the stress clear in her voice, “Kaidan…”

“Don’t ‘Kaidan’ me! This is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?”

Joan turned to him, slowly walking towards him, “What makes you think I know what they’re up to?”

Kaidan walked away from her, putting his hands on the railing he explained, “You worked for them for god’s sakes, how am I not supposed to think that?”

“I joined forces with them to stop the Collectors, that’s it,” she explained, walking up behind him.

“There’s more to it; they rebuilt you from the ground up, they gave you a ship, resources.”

She leaned her right elbow on the railing, looking straight at him as she tried to make him see, “Let me be clear here, I’ve had no contact with Cerberus since I’ve destroyed the Collector base,” she paused, he was clearly contemplating her every word, “And I have no idea why they’re here now, or what they want.”

James, who stood in the background observing the bickering, spoke up, “Commander Shepard’s been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they’ve communicated since.”

Kaidan sighed, “Sorry, Shepard, it’s just that-“

He was interrupted for a few moments now that the air lock was pressurized to stability. She took off her helmet and turned to Kaidan, who was just finished removing his, “You of all people should know what I’m about, Kaidan.”

His eyes fell to the floor. She was shocked that she still had the patience for this; what with everything going on she was ready to snap at him. But the look on his face stopped her from doing so. She felt a little bad for him. But as the elevator opened and revealed the room in front of them, he spoke, “I know, Shepard, I didn’t mean to=”

Joan motioned for the others to take cover when they heard the noise coming from the vents. They watched from the corners as the sounds got louder and the shaft was kicked open. An Asari with a white lab outfit fell out and used her biotics to stun the Cerberus soldiers after her; she then proceeded to shoot them.

Immediately, Joan got up from her area of cover and called out to the woman, “Liara?”

She turned, and smiled slightly, “Hello, Shepard.”

 

Joan wanted so much to beat the shit out of any Cerberus people that got in her way; mostly because of the way they killed the Alliance scientists that were working in the archives. Whatever they were after, it was certain that they were up to no good. They were coming up with ideas to get the tramway on their side when Kaidain suggested, “We can get a communicator, helmet to helmet, convince them we’re on their side and tell them the Alliance forces have been eliminated, they’ll send a tram back and we can finish it,”

“Good idea,” Joan said, “See what you can find.”

Kaidan nodded and set off to look for a communicator. Joan’s eyes followed him, she wasn’t sure why. She shook her head and turned to face Liara, who was staring, “What?”

She turned back to the computer, “The Major has become very… capable.”

Joan turned after Kaidan, who was out of earshot, “That he has…”

“Is there…?” She nodded towards Kaidan, Joan understood what she was getting at.

“What? No… I don’t even think he even knows what to make of my presence, and besides…”

She suddenly thought of Thane. After everything that was going on, she hadn’t thought about him. She hadn’t even thought about contacting him; her mind was all over the place that she didn’t think to even send him a message. Was he dead? His Kepral’s Syndrome might have advanced…

Liara interrupted her train of thought, “He’s alive; the perks of being a shadow broker.”

Joan smiled at her, grateful for the peace of mind.

“Shepard, I found something,” Kaidan called.

“What have you got?” she asked, walking into the next room.

Kaidan was crouching next to a dead Cerberus soldier as he answered, “He’s got a transmitter in his helmet, if I can-“

He was disrupted by the body’s glowing blue eyes, he quickly stood up and stepped back next to her, “My god, looks like a husk.”

“Yeah, not quite,” she said crouching to get a better look, “But they’ve definitely done something to him.”

“And by ‘they’ you mean Cerberus?” he asked, walking closer, his eyes lingered on the dead soldier, “They did this to their own guy?” he looked up at Joan, confused, “Is this what they did to you?”

Joan laughed a little, “How can you compare me to him?”

Kaidan’s voice turned dark, “Shepard I don’t know what you are, or who, not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know, you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself.”

She was stumped, “Kaidan-“

“Don’t try to explain it,” he said, rubbing his eyes, “I don’t think I’d understand anyway.”

He turned to her then, his eyes finally meeting hers, “I just want to know, is the person that I followed to hell and back, the person that I-“ he paused, breathing in deeply, “That I loved- Are you still in there… somewhere?”

Her mind, as confused and conflicted as it was, grasped at the hidden meaning. He still loved her; the person she was. And she hadn’t thought about what that meant for her, she wasn’t sure how to feel about him. She knew she still cared about him, but did she love him?

She let the words flow out on their own, trusting her instincts on this one, “They haven’t changed who I am; if anything has changed about me, it was because of the things I’ve seen… things that have happened. I still care about you; I always will… but… I get the feeling that my words won’t convince you.”

“Probably not,” he sighed.

A small chuckle escaped her lips as she teased, “Didn’t think so; you were always stubborn.”

He scoffed with a smile on his face. Amused, he countered, “Me?”

 

_There’s no way in hell this bitch is going to get away!_

Her heart was racing as she chased after the doctor that took the data. Joan was determined to catch her… if not, then kill her. But every shot she took at her as she ran was dodged; she had to hand it to the woman, she was good. The storm on Mars was not making it any easier.

The Illusive Man wanted to fuck around and keep getting in the way? Fine. She would find a way to deal with him, but first, this woman needed to be taken care of.

She was closing in on the distance; she was almost at her.

 _Great_ , she thought as the doctor jumped into a Cerberus shuttle. Joan shot at it, hoping to at least wound her, badly, all while she radioed the Normandy, “James! Normandy! Anybody!”

_Fuck._

She felt both relief and uneasiness as she heard James reply, “I got this one!”

_He’s going to crash into them. Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuck!_

Joan motioned for Liara and Kaidan to move out of the way as she saw the Cerberus shuttle, in flames, going down in their direction. She looked up to see that Kaidan was fine; after which, she motioned for James to land. Surprisingly, the shuttle was unharmed.

The shuttle landed in front of her, blocking her view of Kaidan, who was helping Liara up. James, who looked unharmed, hopped out of the shuttle, confidently, “Normandy’s en route, they’ll be here soon.”

“Good,” she sighed, “You alright, James?”

He looked at his hands, she noticed they were shaking, “Yeah, just an adrenaline rush.”

Without warning, the sound of gunshots echoed in the gusty wind. Joan was able to see through the nooks in the shuttle and noticed a robotic AI grab hold of Kaidan’s helmet. He was hanging mid air, his legs flailing as she ran to the other side of the ship, an ugly feeling of concern settling deep in her gut, “Kaidan!”

She pointed her gun at the robotic doctor; the rage she quashed coming up, her voice was heavy with it as she demanded, “Let him go!”

The doctor, or robot, whatever the hell she was, radioed someone-which she could only assume was the Illusive Man-,”Orders?”

Her eyes widened as she saw the doctor turn and smash Kaidan’s head against the metal of the burning shuttle, “No!”

Kaidan’s limp body fell on the ground as the doctor then turned to her, running towards her. Joan’s fury grew when she saw her running her way, everything went slow. The whole scenery around her was almost still. Instinctively, Joan ran towards her as well and jumped up as she reached her, punching her in the face. Her pistol, still in her hand, met the doctors torso and fired 6 bullets into her before she fell over.

After she was down, everything went back to normal. Kaidan’s limp body was still on the ground, her anger turned to anxiousness as she ran towards him. She commanded at James, “Grab that thing; bring it with us.”

Joker’s voice filled her radio, “Shepard, we got Reaper signatures in orbit!”

Swiftly, she hoisted Kaidan onto her shoulders; looking up to see the Normandy waiting for them, and in the distance, the silhouette of the Reapers. She immediately ran for the entrance of the shuttle bay, not looking back at the impending arrival. She had enough of that for one day.

“Joker! EDI! Get us out of here, now!”

“On it, Commander!” answered Joker on the comm.

Joan rushed Kaidan to the elevator. Liara and James both accompanied her, “Liara, remove his helmet.”

Gently, Liara took his helmet off of his head, and set his head back down. When they finally arrived to the third tier of the ship where the med bay was located, they rushed him into the room and softly laid him on the metal slab. Joan felt a bit of satisfaction when she hear the loud thud; which meant James wasn’t gentle with the bitch that did this to Kaidan.

Her eyes were focused on Kaidan now. She knew that if she shook him awake it wouldn’t help, a head injury like that would definitely mean trouble. What kind of trouble? That was the problem. His head was hit really hard, even with the helmet, that kind of damage could be…

She could hear her heart in her ears, thudding loudly. Her concern was… overwhelming. She didn’t hate Kaidan, even if he didn’t trust her. She didn’t want him to die.

“Kaidan needs medical attention,” she heard Liara say, loudly. Liara’s eyes were trying to meet hers, she was speaking to her as if she needed to comprehend what she was saying, “We have to leave the Sol System.”

Joan managed to slip out of her daze, “I know.”

“The Citadel is our best chance, we can find help there.”

“Get us to the Citadel, Joker,” she commanded. She vaguely heard Joker’s response. Her eyes fell back onto Kaidan, “Hold on, Kaidan.”


	34. Chapter 34

The Prothean Device was… extraordinary to say the least. She had to admit she was impressed by it, but it didn’t matter how impressed she was if they didn’t complete it in time. They would need resources, people, technology; the Alliance alone couldn’t do it. She knew that much.

After the vid comm with the Admiral was cut, she stood there. Her hands on the panel; trying to figure out how she was going to do this.

“Commander? EDI is extracting data form the Cerberus machine, we’ll have details to present to the council by the time we’ve reached the Citadel.”

Joan nodded, “Good,” she paused, and slowly continued, “And… Kaidan?”

“I’ve done what I can for him but we need to get him to a medical facility soon,” she answered. After a few moments of silence, she continued, “The Admiral was right, its going to get worse, isn’t it?”

“Unless we stop the Reapers, yeah,” she turned and walked out of the comm room and into the war room.

“I’ve looked at the data; this weapon can be the answer if we can build it. I get the sense you don’t quite believe it though.”

Joan leaned against the round table, Liara next to her, she answered her as honestly as she possibly could, “With the shit they did to Earth, it makes me wonder how ONE weapon is supposed to stop the masses of Reapers.”

“You know we can’t win this conventionally, we don’t really have much choice in options.”

She sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. There was a feeling in her she couldn’t quite describe, not hopelessness, something else, “Commander?”

Her eyes met Liara’s; hopeful and pure, “Isn’t it worth trying at least?”

_Is it?_

The price to pay if she didn’t try was heavy; she wasn’t sure if that was a price she was willing to pay. Somehow though, that didn’t matter right now.

“I’m going to go check on Kaidan. Make sure we’re ready to present our findings to the council.”

“I’m sure the council will see the need to help,” Liara assured her. She smiled a little; Liara was being optimistic. She knew it was a high hope, but she held on to it. One of the reasons why she was happy to have her along.

“It’ll be a hell of a short war if they don’t.”

She dragged herself back to the third teir of the ship. Her thoughts were going too fast for her to stop them all and process them. As the elevator door opened, she stepped out and rushed to the med bay. Her heart thudded when her eyes took in the sight of Kaidan, she wasn’t sure to do, so she started talking, “Hey Kaidan… I know you’re probably still on the bench about me; still trying to figure out what to make of me. And to be completely honest… I’m still trying to figure out what to make of me. There was a time in my life where there was nothing but darkness… I was a killer. The Butcher of Torfan. The Commander that left one of her best friends behind on Virmire,” she paused. Her thoughts on Ashley.

She grew close to the gunnery chief. Very close. She was one of the first friends she made when she took command of the Normandy; aside from Kaidan. Her sadness weighed heavily on her shoulders, “… Do you remember when we were on the first Normandy and when we stopped on the Citadel with Ashley? We were on the Presidium and the sight was… beautiful? The three of us just stood there, together, taking in the sight of a beautiful world.”

Joan’s words came to a halt, she didn’t quite understand why she was telling him this. That was a lie, she knew why. Because, despite Garrus being her closest friend, Kaidan was the one who knew how heavy the loss of Ashley weighed on her. He shared that burden with her because she chose to save Kaidan. And now, the burdens of the galaxy weighed on her, and she wasn’t sure if anyone else understood what that meant for her.

She knew what it meant. She knew that she would lay her life down for the greater good; but the complexity of it was if she could do it without losing her humanity. The humanity that she tried so hard to regain after Torfan. The humanity that she felt slipping away with the darkness in her heart.

Kaidan didn’t know much about her past, she refused to let him in. So, other than the fact that they shared a common loss, why was she telling him this?

Frustrated, she left the med bay and headed for her cabin. Hoping to find some peace of mind in the solitude. But even as she entered the cabin, the calm that she was hoping to find was only an illusion as she felt agitated. She sat at her private terminal.

Her eyes fell onto the aquarium on her left hand side; it was empty. She wondered what happened to all of her fish. Meh. Then, she found herself missing someone. Thane. She kicked herself for not thinking about it earlier, if anyone could understand what she was feeling, it would definitely be him. Frantically, she opened up a clear message and started typing; after she was done, she hit send and hoped that he would receive her message soon. But for now, she waited.

 

The Citadel had changed, again. Funny how this damned place was always changing.

Bailey, who intercepted her after they arrived on the Normandy, informed her that the council would meet her in Udina’s office once they were done tending to other “pressing” issues. She got it. They had their things to deal with as well, still, she couldn’t help but feel selfish. She took the free time to go and check on Kaidan in Huerta Memorial.

To her relief, she found Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel both watching over Kaidan. Michel informed her that Kaidan’s trauma was severe, but that she was sure he would recover. With that information, she turned to Chakwas and offered her a place on the Normandy, which she accepted.

Joan then made her way to Kaidan’s room. She sighed when she saw his bruised face; she trusted the doctors and their confidence that he would be fine. But that didn’t stop her from worrying about him. She felt a little unsure of herself, mostly because of the last time she spoke to him, she wasn’t sure what to say. But now, the words came easier, “Kaidan,” she sighed, “God, it’s hard seeing you like this. I don’t know if you can hear me, but since you can’t tell me to get the hell out either, I’m going to take my chances. Don’t you dare die, Kaidan. You’ve got to fight, we need you in this. Seeing you in action again, reminded me that you’re a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could use you. I- I could-“

She stopped herself from finishing that sentence. It wasn’t right to say those things, or to feel them. She shook her head and turned to the doctor in the room, “If there’s anything you need for him doc, let me know.”

He nodded at her and she turned back to Kaidan, “Come on, Kaidan, fight.”

Her eyes took one more look at him before she stepped away, halfway out of the door, she turned to him, “And that’s an order.”

 

The council meeting didn’t go… well, it went as expected. Joan wasn’t holding out hope that they would help, she knew exactly how it was going to go. However, she didn’t anticipate the Turian councilor to offer his assistance, somewhat. All she had to do was extract the Primarch Fedorian to attend the summit.

_Easy. Not really._

Still, she didn’t really have any other option, the Turian councilor was right about one thing: if she saved the Primarch, she could appeal to him to assist the battle on Earth. It was worth a try, at least. The upside to the whole thing, if any, was that she got her Spectre status reinstated. Which was a good thing, got to take your wins where you can.

She laid in bed, trying to get some sleep. Her head was throbbing and she felt a migraine coming on, still she tried her best to close her eyes.

Suddenly, she wasn’t in the ship anymore. She was in full armor, in the middle of a dark forest. Everything was… grey. She was… confused. There was laughter in the air. Echoing. In the distance, she saw a figure, running. Instinctively, she ran towards it. But, her running was slowed. The ground at her feet was foggy; as she neared the figure, whom was a child in a grey sweater, the laughter got louder. She approached the child; there was something familiar about him.

The scenery around her turned red, with a rumbling sound. The sound the Reapers made when they invaded Earth, the red light was the lasers that shot at the people. It ended after a few moments and the child ran away. Joan ran after him, trying to catch him. To comfort him. The laughter she heard before turned into sobbing sounds. Fear. She saw the child crouched on the ground, scared.

She reached out to him, her hand outstretched. He turned and to her surprise; it was the child that she saw on Earth. The little boy that was scared. He looked up at her, the sorrow deep in his eyes and her own widened in horror as he slowly started going ablaze in front of her…

The gasp escaped her lips as soon as her eyes opened. She wasn’t sure how long she slept. But, after that dream, that last thing she wanted to do was go back to sleep. She sighed deeply as she stood up and checked her private terminal. She received messages, but none from Thane yet. The thought saddened her a little bit. She wasn’t angry at him, she knew that if he could he would get to her as soon as soon as he could.

She sat at her terminal, deciding to read all of her other messages, anything to keep her mind off of her own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again, must apologize for the late chapter. I haven't been feeling emotionally... great to say the least. I'm having a bit of a writers block so if by any chance I am late in uploading, I do apologize in advance. Thank you all for reading and a special thanks to my new followers who have added this story to their favorites. I'm glad that you are all enjoying it and you guys, even though its a small group, are what keep me writing it. Again, thank you so much and much love. 3


	35. Chapter 35

Before the mission on Palaven’s moon; Joan met some new additions to the crew. One of them being Samantha Traynor, and Steve Cortez. She was very glad to have both of them on board, and her sparring match with Vega helped a bit. She was grateful for the distraction he provided.

After she, Liara and James suited up, they headed for the shuttle, along with Cortez, who was their new shuttle pilot. They descended the Normandy’s shuttle bay and started the trip to Palaven’s moon. Joan watched the Battle for Palaven on the screens in the shuttle.

“Oh no, no… Palaven,” Liara said. She knew why her tone was dark and worrisome.

Joan’s eyes fell to the ground, “We have an old friend there.”

She thought of Garrus. Right now, she wasn’t sure where he was, even with Liara being Shadow Broker, she hadn’t thought of asking her to check up on him. Liara herself had been busy with the prothean device, so even if she had asked her, she wasn’t sure if Liara would find the time do locate him. Joan was hoping that he had somehow made it out of Palaven alive; but the darkness in her was poisoning her thoughts with his death.

Thankfully, James spoke, “They’re getting decimated.”

_Well, thanks for the pick me up._

But he was right, “The strongest military in the galaxy and the Reapers are obliterating them.”

“Was it like this on Earth?” Liara asked.

Joan watched James’ head hang low, “Yes.”

“Shepard… I’m sorry,” she said, the sympathy clear in her voice.

Joan shrugged. She wasn’t sure what to say.

Cortez shouted from the pilots seat, providing her with another distraction,” Commander, the LZ is getting swarmed!”

Joan got on her feet, “James, open that hatch.”

James immediately followed his orders Joan cracked her neck and her fingers, ready for the upcoming gun fight.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shit! I can’t get the comm tower to operate from this tower, someone’s going to need to get up there and fix it manually,” Joan started, she looked over to Liara, “You think you can handle it?”

Liara rolled her eyes, “Of course I can, just keep those husks off of me while I do this.”

She started to climb that tower as Joan and James readied their weapons, “You ready, James?”

“Oh, I’m more than ready, Lola,” James answered.

Joan smiled slightly. The husks came in and between both of them, they managed to hold them back. It was crucial to get the comm tower operational to learn who the next Primarch would be, being that Primarch Fedorian was killed. Naturally, Joan offered the General her assistance in the matter. She respected the Turians; and for Garrus.

She and James both fought wave after wave of husks until they finally heard Liara shout that she was finished. She jumped down from the tower and whatever husks were left were decimated.

“General, do you read? The comm tower is now operational,” Joan said, radioing the General.

“Much appreciated, Commander, I’ll contact Palaven command,” General Corinthus answered.

“Let me know when you’ve got something, I’ll help your men til I hear from you,” she offered.

“Understood,” Corinthus replied.

Joan, James and Liara all banded together, watching as the next wave of husks approached. Joan fired her shotgun as soon as a husk stepped into her range, James and Liara both firing as well. As another one got closer to her, she opted for stabbing it with her omni tool, to preserve bullets. James looked to be enjoying himself, hollering everytime he made a kill.

_Well, there’s someone who loves his job._

Liara’s eyes fell on him a few times, puzzled at his enjoyment, but she didn’t stare for long as husks rushed towards her as well. She was a very skilled biotic, so she wasn’t too concerned about her.

After awhile of fighting the husks, she received a radio transmission from General Corinthus, “Commander Shepard, I’ve made contact with Palaven Command; please return ASAP.”

“On our way,” she responded, then turned to Liara and James, who just finished off the last of the husks, “Let’s move.”

Joan kept her weapon out, just in case they got swarmed by more husks, she wasn’t confident that they would, but it was better to be safe. As they approached the compound, she received a few nods of gratitude from the General’s men; she nodded back, a gesture to show that she would be there if they needed her.

As she approached the General, she started, “What have you got?”

“As your partner said, succession is usually simple, but right now, the hierarchy is in chaos, so many dead or MIA,” he said. His voice was a little heavy, with exhaustion no doubt.

She sighed, leaning her head back, she responded, “Shit, what happens now?”

“I’m on it, Shepard, we’ll find you the Primarch,” she heard a familiar voice say. Her eyes opened wide as she saw her closest, and favorite battle buddy.

“Garrus?” she asked, elated.

“Vakarian, sir! I didn’t see you arrive,” Corinthus started.

“At ease, General,” Garrus said, nonchalantly.

_He must have really moved up. Good for him, the son of a bitch._

Joan quickly walked over to him and they shared a tight, friendly hug, “It’s good to see you again, you bastard.”

“And you, crazy ass,” he smiled, as they let go.

“I thought you’d be on Palaven,” she whispered.

“If we lose this moon, then we lose Palaven. I’m the closest damn thing they have to an expert on Reaper forces, so I’m… advising,” he shrugged, like it was no big deal.

“James, this is Garrus Vakarian,” James stepped up and shook Garrus’ hand, “He helped me stop the Collectors; he’s a hell of a soldier.”

“Lieutenant,” Garrus greeted, he then turned to Liara, “Good to see you too, Liara.”

Liara smiled, “Good to see you in one piece, Garrus.”

Garrus then turned to the Corinthus, “General Corinthus filled me in, we know who we’re after.”

“Palaven command tells me that the next Primarch is General Adrien Victus,” Corinthus informed.

“Victus? His name has crossed my desk,” Liara pointed out.

“Know him, Garrus?”

“I was fighting alongside him this morning; lifelong military, gets results, popular with his troops,” he paused, “Not so popular with military command, has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy.”

Joan shrugged, “Unconventional thinking might be the only way to save Palaven... And Earth.”

Garrus nodded, understanding the small hint of sorrow in her voice, he will no doubt ask her about it later, “He’ll do whatever it takes… reminds me of an old human Spectre I knew.”

She chuckled, “Alright, let’s get him in the shuttle and out of here.”

Joan suddenly got a radio from Joker; he was going on about the Normandy shutting down systems and powering up weapons. He went on to say that he couldn’t find the source; Joan sighed, deciding to send Liara to see what she could do for the Normandy.

“Garrus, you said you were with Victus this morning?”

“Yeah, but we got separated, he went to bolster a fleg that was breaking. He could be anywhere out there,” he said.

“We’re trying to raise him, Commander,” Corinthus informed them.

“Garrus, take me to the last place you saw Victus,” she said.

 

* * *

 

 

The fight that took place at the compound was a good one, at least, according to James. That guy’s excitement was… amusing. Still, they managed to push back the heavy forces that were coming down on the unit that was commanded by Victus.

She watched him now, as he stared at the burning planet of Palaven. She and Garrus just gave him the news of his new rank, he didn’t seem too happy about it. Then again, he was a soldier. Like her. They fought battles and protected people, the last thing either of them wanted to do was play politican.

“I’m Primarch of Palaven? Negotiating for the Turian hierarchy?”

“Yes,” she answered.

He turned towards her, “I’ve spent my whole life in the military, I’m no diplomat. I hate diplomats.”

“I don’t like them either,” she started, “But war is your resume, and at times like this we need leaders who’ve been through that hell.”

“I like that,” he sighed, softly, “You’re right.”

“And honestly, uniting these races might take as much strength as facing the Reapers,” she pointed towards Palaven, which was burning, “See this devastation, Primarch? Double that for Earth. I need an alliance; I need the Turian fleet.”

Victus walked up towards her, his gaze never faltering. He gave her a slight nod, “Give me a moment to say goodbye to my men.”

Joan nodded. She knew what he was feeling, it was that exact feeling she felt as she left Earth. As she left Anderson behind.

“Without him down here, there’s a good chance we lose this moon,” Garrus pointed out.

“Without him up there, there’s a good chance we lose _everything_ , Garrus,” she replied.

He turned towards a Reaper in the distance, “Look at that, and they want _my_ opinion on how to stop it? Me! Failed C-Sec officer, Vigilante and I’m their expert advisor?”

He sighed, “Think you can win this thing, Shepard?”

She faced him now, “Yeah… I don’t know, Garrus. But I’m sure as hell going to give it my best shot.”

He turned to her, “I’m damn sure nobody else could do it. For whatever it’s worth, I’m with you.”

They slapped their hands together, Joan felt a little better to have her best buddy back, “Welcome aboard,” she turned towards Victus, “Are you ready, Primarch Victus?”

He nodded, but as he walked towards her, he started, “One thing: Commander, I appreciate your need for our fleet but I can’t spare them, not while my world is burning. But, if the pressure could be taken off Palaven…”

“That’s a pretty tall order.”

“We need the Krogan, I can’t see us winning this war without them. Get them to help us, and then we can help you.”

Joan pursed her lips, “The Krogan.” It wasn’t impossible; it would take a lot of negotiation and a lot of patience. The Krogan and the Turians haven’t really seen eye to eye in ages; mostly having to do with the Genophage. She would need all the strength in the world to cement that alliance.

“Looks like your summit just got more interesting,” Garrus teased, slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: The story is taking a really slow progression, and since my impatience is growing I might end up posting a few more chapters tonight.
> 
> Still, hope you enjoy and much, much, much love to you all! Mwah!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is short. Anywho... back to our story.

_Long. Fucking. Day._

They not only got on the ship to find out that EDI somehow inserted herself into Dr. Eva’s body; but she was also informed about the Asari backing out of the summit.

She wasn’t complaining about what EDI did, she could use all the help she could get and she trusted EDI, but the thought that if something maybe went wrong… well.

_At least nothing did go wrong._

But the Asari backing out because of the upcoming Krogan alliance made her eyes cringe. She couldn’t see why these races couldn’t let go shit that happened ages ago. But what could she do? She figured that eventually, she would get them on her side. Right now, she had to focus on the Krogan/Turian alliance.

After all of that, Traynor had informed her about an unusual signal coming from Grissom Academy. After consulting with her; Joan took her team to check it out and sure enough, they were being attacked by Cerberus. They were becoming a real big thorn on the side. The bright side was that she ran into Jack, or more like Jack’s fist ran into her face. With their help, she managed to get the students out alive, and she recruited them to do back line defenses for the troops on Earth.

Jack was relieved about it. Even though her jaw hurt a bit, it was nice to see that she was doing a lot better. She was proud of her students, they were like her children.

Now, she made her way to Normandy’s main weapons systems, hoping to catch up with her favorite Turian. She found him, as usual, calibrating the guns.

“Didn’t waste any time getting to work, I see,” she joked.

“After what I’ve been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation, gives me something to focus on,” he said, moving away from the gun.

“We’re gonna need you for more than your aim,” she said.

“Oh I’m ready for it, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to need giant guns,” he crossed his arms, “And lots of them. Sovereign didn’t go down without a fight, I doubt a thousand more of his friends will be any different. I’m still not convinced I should have left Palaven behind.”

Joan leaned her head against the metal beam, sighing, “There was a boy back on Earth, couldn’t have been more than six or seven… I watched him die as the Normandy escaped the attack. Somehow I’m still alive, and he’s not.”

He stared at her for a moment, “Being right about the Reapers has never felt like much of a victory, has it?”

“We both knew this fight would be tough, damn if the Reapers haven’t delivered,” she said.

“At least my government listened to me, or pretended to,” he sighed, walking towards the screens and pressing on them, “They gave me a task force as a token to shut me up.”

“So, you’re their expert advisor now?”

“Just followed your example, Shepard: yell loud enough and eventually someone will come over to see what all the fuss is about… not that they’ll actually do something about it.”

She snickered, “Until hell shows up at their door, then they put you in charge.”

He scoffed, and then chuckled, “Not like the old days is it? Rogue spectre and C-Sec agents, running and gunning outside the lines, making it up as we went along...”

Garrus paused in front of the main gun table, “We’re actually respectable now.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that respect comes with a lot of sleepless nights, I can’t even count how many lives are depending on us, Garrus,” she said, letting some of the worry seep through.

“When things are looking grim, and I’m pretty sure they will, just remember; a certain Turian friend of yours isn’t sleeping any better and he’d be more than happy to meet you at the bar and drink you under the table, like we did on Nos Astra.”

She laughed, a whole hearted laugh, “Oh god, that was a great night. I’ll have to admit, that liquor tasted like… well it tasted awful.”

“It’s one of our best! Anyways, speaking of Nos Astra, I seem to recall you were crazy over a drell.”

Joan breathed in deeply, slowly, “I haven’t heard from him; I sent him an email almost a week ago and well, no response yet.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’s a slippery man and if I know Thane, he’s probably pining for you at this very moment; that young Lieutenant told me about Kaidan, is he alright?”

“Last time I saw him he was still out,” she answered. Her eyes fell to the ground.

“Feeling a little torn, are we?”

She looked up at him; that’s why Garrus was her best friend. He was able to see past her, “A little. Before all this, when I was with Thane, I was so in love with him… but, seeing Kaidan, it brought back some feelings. I’m not saying it’s love or any of that, I don’t know what it is. I get so confused around him. I’m not sure if I should hate him or if I should let it go. But I put two and two together and I guess he still has feelings for me.”

He scoffed, “Emotions are so complicated.”

“No shit,” she said, not wanting to continue with the conversation, just thinking of Kaidan right now confused her.

Garrus took the cue and started, “Now, I’m going to get back to calibrating these guns because I’m pretty sure someone has messed them up. But if you ever feel the need to vent about your love life or sleepless nights, I’ll be glad to listen… over a few drinks, of course. By the way, the hair is cool.”

Joan smiled and instinctively ran her fingers through her red hair. She made her way towards her cabin and saw the blinking light on her private terminal, indicating her new emails. She had quite a few; she figured she would make it a point to check them more often.

She had one from Kaidan, asking her to go see him. Her heart thudded again and she started to feel irritated at that; she knew she was going to end up seeing him still. She opened the other messages; one from Kahlee, one from Jack, and one from an anonymous sender. She opened that one and her heart fluttered as she read the first word:

_Siha_

_I apologize that it took me awhile to respond to your last message. I heard that the Normandy docked on the Citadel, I must apologize once again for failing to meet you there. I was… away. I didn’t have any way to contact you until Kolyat, whom I assume went through my messages, sent word out to me. If you have time, please meet me at the Citadel._

_I know it’s probably too much to ask for since you are very busy, I only ask if you have the time, stop by Huerta Memorial._

_Love,_

_Thane._

It was a good thing they had some matters to attend to on the Citadel, otherwise he would have had to wait longer. For the first time in a good while, she felt a ping of excitement.


	37. Chapter 37

She searched the halls of Huerta Memorial but she found no sign of Thane; feeling a little upset, she decided to head to Kaidan, who was just down the hall anyways.

As she was entering the room, she stumbled upon Udina and Kaidan having a conversation, “I’d like an answer, Major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you, now more than ever.”

“You’ll have it soon, Councilor, I promise,” Kaidan replied, he sounded fully lucid.

“I look forward to it,” Udina started to walk out, noticing Joan, he simply said, “Shepard,” and continued on his way out.

“Udina,” she called, softly, she turned to Kaidan and greeted him, “Hey!”

“Shepard, hey!” he sat up slightly on his bed, “You just missed snack time, actually, that’s probably a good thing. Thanks for coming,” he smiled, slightly.

She couldn’t help but return the smile, “No problem,” she dragged a chair on the corner of the bed to the side, “What did Udina want?”

“He’s offered to make me a Spectre,” he said.

“And? You’re taking it right?”

“It was a big honor… A huge responsibility, just need to be sure.”

Joan reached into her bag and pulled out the bottle of Peruvian Whiskey, “I got you this.”

“Wow, thanks Shepard, that’s really thoughtful,” he smiled, putting the bottle on the small table next to his bed, “Maybe we can celebrate crack it open when I’m out of here; I’m so ready to leave this place, you can’t tell, but I’m tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean Doc- well doc says I’m good to go but then she always finds ‘one more test’ to run.”

“You doing ok?”

“My implant got a little… rattled, so doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It’s really no big deal.”

She smiled at him, “Need me to break you out?”

He chuckled, “I’ll let you know.”

“I’m glad you asked me to stop by Kaidan, it’s good to see you’re going to be ok, especially since… well since this happened to you on my watch,” she said, going on her own little guilt trip, “It was horrible to see.”

She felt that confusion in her head again, but she couldn’t stop the words from spewing out, “And I care about what happens to you.”

It was the truth, she did care about what happened to him.

He put his hand on hers, “Me too, that means alot Shepard. So… I just want to make sure-- after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we’re good right?”

“Kaidan, we’ve been through hell together, had each other’s backs. That kind of bond is hard to break, even though the other party is being a little thick headed,” she teased.

He chuckled a bit, “Yeah sorry about that. But seriously, you were my Commander, sure, but you listened to me when I told you about Rahna, you didn’t judge me. You just… listened. You knew I needed that… and we went through Ash’s death together.”

Joan shivered slightly, Kaidan didn’t seem to notice, “Yeah, we did.”

“So what do you say? We’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good. It was great to have you back on the Normandy,” she said.

“Thanks,” he laid back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, then he turned to face her, “So, I heard you’re seeing an assassin…”

She chuckled, “Where’d you hear that from?”

“Oh, around,” he replied, “How did you meet?”

The topic was making her a little uncomfortable to talk about with him; it wasn’t that she didn’t want to, it was only because of her awareness of Kaidan’s feelings for her, still, he was seeing someone as well, so she figured she’d humor him, “We were working together on the Collector mission; it was after our—well, breakup. We just talked, and clicked.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that-uh-breakup, I just-“

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Kaidan. I was angry for awhile, but, I understood where you were coming from. It wasn’t fair to stay angry at you, you had every right to move on,” she said to him.

His face dropped as he replied to that, “Yeah… anyways, I like the hair.”

“Thanks,” she smiled, rubbing the shaven side of her head, “Had a lot of free time when I was being held up.”

“I would have complimented sooner, but, I was too busy being stubborn,” he teased, his tone turned into a more serious note, “Listen, I really am sorry for the way I was acting on Mars; I don’t think I’ve been wrong about Cerberus, but I have been wrong about you. But, I’ve taken up enough of your time, I should let you go.”

“Take care of yourself, Kaidan, if you ever decide to come back, we’re gonna need you at 100%,” she said, getting up from the chair.

“I might just do that,” he smiled.

She returned his smile back, and surprisingly, she did feel a little lighter, now that the air has been cleared between the both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for the late chapters. I have updated fanfic but haven't gotten around to updating on here, so again, please accept my humble apology for being a jerk and not uploading. :(
> 
> But I would like you all to know that I am extremely grateful for the new followers. <3 I love you all. ^_^


	38. Chapter 38

She breathed in deeply and let out a long sigh. The sight of him made her feel… at ease. For a few moments, she stood a good distance from him, dumbfounded, admiring him. It had been months since she had seen him and right now, she suddenly felt a little self conscious, concerned with her looks. Her hands went to her hair, wondering if he would like it.

Tentatively, she took those steps towards him. He was exercising, punching the air. She didn’t need to announce her presence as he turned, slightly winded.

“Siha, I heard Earth was under attack, I didn’t know you made it out until I received your message,” he said, the concern and relief clear in his voice.

“Thane,” she breathed, not sure if she should hug him, “It’s been too long, I was afraid I would never see you again.”

He slowly grabbed her hands and her reservations went away; that was all the assurance she needed that he still wanted her.

“I sent you a few messages while you were incarcerated, but I suppose they never made it past the guards,” he mentioned.

She shook her head, “Most likely; I didn’t get any messages from anyone at all.”

“Ah,” he said, putting his hands behind his back, “I came in shortly after you went through the patient rooms…”

He was wondering who she went to see, “I didn’t see you here so I went to visit a friend, Kaidan, he got hurt protecting me while we were on a mission on Mars.”

“The human biotic in intensive care,” he coughed, “I saw the marks of an implant.”

“Yeah, him,” she said.

“We have spoken, he seems an honorable sort… of course, he was also holding out hope that a woman would visit him,” he looked at her, knowingly.

_What? I’m the woman he was hoping for?_

The thought confused her slightly again, she knew about his feelings; but he was still seeing that doctor… wasn’t he?

“Are you sure he wasn’t waiting for his girlfriend, the doctor?”

His head tilted slightly, “He specifically mentioned your name, ‘Joan’; is there something I should know?”

They both walked towards the glass window, “The man I was seeing before I met you; the one I told you about, well slightly, that was Kaidan.”

He nodded, “He still cares about you.”

She sighed; the truth was better than lying about it, she hated lying, “I know. At least, I figured he still had feelings towards me.”

“You still care about him as well,” the tone he used wasn’t accusatory, he was merely pointing out facts, no doubt trying to tie all the pieces together. He knew the truth, he wanted to see if she would admit the truth to him, but mostly, to herself.

“I do, and it pissed me off for awhile,” she said, looking into his eyes, his gaze didn’t falter from her, “I’m sorry.”

He scoffed, and then grabbed her hands, “It’s natural to still care about the people you were once intimate with; if anything, it’s a good thing. You have another person that will take care of you if- when- I’m gone… but, I will watch over him. Your enemies may try to finish him off.”

“I appreciate that, Thane,” she leaned over to gently touch his arm.

He started at her and started, “I am near the end of my life. It is a good time to be generous… I have only a few loves left, and you are my last. Let me do-“

She interrupted him to give him a kiss. She couldn’t hold back anymore; she could feel the love he had for her and she felt the same. Everything vanished when she kissed him, all of her doubts. All of her fears. It was just them.

When she finally released him, he chuckled, “I can see you want to make up for last time. I should warn you that you might not want your last memories of me to be in this hospital. Kepral’s Syndrome is… not kind.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then we should get out of this hospital. I have the rest of the day free…”

He smiled, “I’d like that, Siha. I do have to return though; I need daily medical attention.”

“C’mon,” she motioned, grabbing his hand and leaving the hospital.

 

* * *

 

After a long, but eventful day, Joan brought Thane onto the Normandy, being that she wanted him to see the new upgrades. She introduced him to the crew members that were on the ship, who were all pleased, but intimidated to meet him. She then introduced him to the new and improved EDI, who was speaking with Joker. If Thane was impressed, it didn’t show in his face, he greeted them both politely and they continued on towards the rest of the ship.

The last stop was the starboard observation deck; where they stood in awe of the sight of the Citadel. The lights of the station were beautiful; but she saw the longing in his eyes, the longing to see the stars.

“Would you like to go up?” she asked him.

“I wouldn’t want to bother Joker with it,” he said, his tone suggested otherwise.

“Joker, take us up for a few hours,” she commanded.

“Aye, Aye, Commander,” Joker’s voice said. They only waited a few moments as they felt the ship slowly move out from the docking area. She giggled inside as she pictured the faces of Garrus, James, and Liara watching the Normandy leave the docking bay. She imagined that they would catch a lot of shit for the stunt, but, not like she cared. She knew for a fact Joker enjoyed pissing off the people at docking areas.

In minutes, they were in the sky; staring into the vastness of space. The stars glimmering in the distance, and a good distance below they saw the lights of the Citadel. The sight was amazing.

“I’m so glad to see this from up here,” she said to Thane, watching the stars and the magenta tones of the Citadel, “It’s nice to have a little life in this ship.”

Thane stood behind her as he said, “Is there no life in here already; what with everyone occupying it?”

She sighed, “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I am alive- it’s selfish of me to say with all the people that are fighting for theirs; it just feels like the weight of the world, the galaxy is resting on my shoulders and there’s nothing I can do about it… I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll fail.”

The touch of his hand on her shoulder was warm, “The weight of the galaxy is resting on your shoulders because once again, the many lives in the galaxy need someone to turn to. You have become the one that they turn to. The beacon of hope,” he turned her towards him, both of his hands on her shoulders, “You can do this. You’ve done it before. And you can do it because you’re the only one that knows how. You will stop the Reapers; you have some of the best at your side already. You are your strongest asset. Do not doubt yourself, Siha.”

His words brought tears to her eyes, “What if I go back to who I was before? What if I become the Butcher again? I mean- I just feel so angry, so frustrated all the time- What if I lose my humanity?”

“I don’t have all the answers, Siha,” he started, “But you should never be afraid of the darkness inside of you; it’s a part of you. That does not mean that you need to use it to harm people; turn your anger into your drive to save the people that need you. Do it for those you’ve lost.”

She fell into his arms, the tears that fell from her eyes were those of release. All of her anger felt pushed back right now, all she cared about was that the man she loved was there, holding her. After so long of not being able to see him or even hear from him, the affection was welcome.

Her lips found his and they kissed for a few moments before he whispered, “I should warn you, my cardiovascular system is not what it was.”

“I’ll be gentle,” she responded, softly pressing her lips against his. They paused for a moment, staring into each other’s eyes. He removed his coat and they both slowly fell to the floor, entangled in each other.

 

* * *

 

“I could stay here forever,” he whispered into her ear. They were laying on the ground of the starboard observation deck, a blanket spread out under them and one other covering them. They were lucky to find those in there, Joan thought. His arms were wrapped around her and they stared out into the distance.

She could stay there forever with him too. It had been months since she last felt him completely. She was soaring, “Me too, Thane.”

“I’ve missed you, Joan,” he said, kissing her shoulder.

“Mmmm,” she whispered, nuzzling her head against his neck.

Suddenly, he started coughing uncontrollably. Joan sat up quickly as he turned over on his right side, “Thane?”

After the bout went away, he answered, “It’s alright, Siha,” he laid down on his back, “But I should be getting back to the hospital now.”

She touched his face gently, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yes,” he smiled, kissing her hands, “I’m fine.”

“Ok, well,” she started, putting her clothes back on, “Let’s get you back to the hospital.”

As Thane dressed himself, she commanded Joker to take the Normandy back to the docking bay.

“They’re pretty pissed off at us for leaving without clearance,” he said, the amusement clear in his voice.

“They can kiss my ass if they don’t like it,” she replied.

Thane chuckled, both of them still staring out into the stars. She suddenly felt his eyes on her. His hands touched her hair, “I really do like what you did to it.”

She felt the heat in her face, “I was a little self conscious that you’d hate it.”

He chuckled, “No, you could cut it all off and I’d still think you’re beautiful.”

Her laughter filled the room and he smiled, slightly. That was the one thing she found fascinating about him; the fact that he treated each moment like it was precious. Because it was. She had a feeling that this was one of those moments that he would like to remember with that perfect memory of his.

Their hands intertwined as the ship descended and they docked onto the Citadel. She half expected someone to give her shit about her stunt, but no one came and the walk to the hospital was quiet.

“Keep in touch, Siha, I worry about you out there,” he said, as they stopped in front of the hospital doors.

“I will, Thane,” she said, hugging him, “Thank you, for listening.”

“I love you, Siha,” he whispered, planting a kiss on her cheek.

“I love you, Thane,” she whispered back.

He smiled as he walked into the hospital. Joan’s elation that she had been feeling all day was gone, replaced by her longing for him. But, she was still happy that she could spend some time with him. Even if he did mention that his doctors all gave him different time limits on his life; she was happy that she could take what she could. She would fight for him, for Thane. Because even if his time was short, she hoped that he would make it long enough to see the end of the Reapers.

And with that, she was able to muster up her strength to walk away from him again, and back into the cold, dark reality that was war and politics.

 


	39. Chapter 39

Joan’s mind raced between Miranda, Kaidan, Thane and the summit. She was concerned about Miranda; she had been on the run from the Illusive Man and she mentioned her sister, of course, when she offered help, Miranda declined. It worried her because towards the end of the last mission they had, they grew really close. Then again, she grew close with most of her crew.

She was confused about Kaidan preferring to see her than his girlfriend. It was puzzling to say the least, only because he broke up with her to date the doctor. But, at least she figured out how he knew she was dating Thane, she wondered if they spent any time together. It would have been strange.

And Thane. She was frightened that he could die soon. He was optimistic that he would stick around a little longer, but still, with his illness, she wasn’t sure.

She found herself thinking about the summit; the dalatrass refused to give up the Krogan women they were holding on Sur’Kesh; but in the end, logic won out and she agreed to release the women. Nevertheless, she felt the tension rising between Wrex and Victus.

Wrex, given the chance, was very diplomatic. Trigger happy? He was a Krogan. Still, he was the least blood thirsty Krogan that she knew, and she was glad he was the spokesperson or leader of the Krogan. Otherwise, her stress would have been off the charts. She knew how stubborn they could be.

Now, as she walked into the facility with Garrus and EDI; she wondered who leaked the information to Wrex. How the hell did Wrex get someone in the Salarian’s facilities?

She looked over her shoulder and saw Wrex taunting the Salarians. She smirked to herself; sometimes watching him get worked up was entertaining. Only because the Salarians typically looked at him like he was an animal and Wrex thought of them as fragile shish kebabs.

When she heard the alarms go off, Joan looked at the Salarian that walked her towards the elevator, “What’s happening?”

“Sensors have picked up activity in the perimeter,” the Salarian said, then he motioned towards the elevator, “Hurry Commander, someone will meet you below.”

He didn’t have to tell her twice. She walked into the elevator and waited to get where she needed. “Wonder what’s going on,” Garrus mused, aloud.

“Whatever it is, lets hope it doesn’t get in the way of what we need to do,” Joan said.

The doors opened and she walked into a room with a ton of Salarians, all of them walking about hurriedly.

“All specimens accounted for, sir,” she heard a Salarian say. She looked towards the voice and saw the last person she expected to see. Of course, she could have expected him since he was a Salarian as well.

“Shepard! Excellent timing, good to have you here,” he said, walking towards her. He shook out his hand and she took it, shaking it.

“Mordin.”

“Eyesight still sharp, surprise understandable, haven’t expected to return to work,” he started.

“You’re back with STG?” asked Garrus.

Mordin nodded, “Special consultant. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Work side projects as well developing-“ he paused and stared at Shepard for a minute. The look he gave her was a suspicious one.

_What the hell is that all about?_

But before she could ask him he started up again, whispering, “Helped female Krogan. Fed information to Clan Urdnot. Encourage political pressure to free females.”

She felt stupid for not realizing it sooner, “You were Wrex’s inside source.”

“Yes, will explain later. Security readings not normal. Need to get off world for sake of Krogan,” he started walking towards a cell, waving them after him, “Females had weakened immune systems. Side effect of Maelon’s cure.”

He stopped in front of a cell with a dead body, covered, “These… didn’t survive.”

“I’m sure you did everything you could, Mordin,” she reassured, trying to be sympathetic.

“Arrived too late. Cannot delay now. One survivor. Immune to Genophage, can synthesize cure from her tissue,” he said, walking towards another cell.

“She’s still here,” she said, walking after him.

“Yes, last hope for Krogan. If she dies, Genophage cure… problematic.”

They paused in front of another cell. Joan observed the figure, she was large and covered up.

“Please be careful, Krogan slow to trust,” Mordin warned.

She approached the cell slowly, “I’m Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy.”

“Are you here to kill me?” her voice carried a hint of sorrow.

“Urdnot Wrex and I are here to take you home,” Joan said to her.

“Why? What am I to you?

“You’re the future of the Krogan race, I’m fighting for that,” she informed.

There were explosions aboveground, Joan only assumed the worst. They were under attack.

“Then I hope you brought an army.”

 

* * *

 

Joan smiled as she read the last message from Thane. They were going back and forth for about an hour. She wished she could tell him about Eve, the Krogan female. She was so… strong. Something Joan admired. She had been told many times before that she carried such strength in her, but at times she found it hard to believe. Mostly because even the strong had their weak moments.

But, being that it was an Alliance mission, it wasn’t something that she could say to him. Still, she knew he understood; they focused mainly on him. He gave her news on Kolyat; and his stay at the hospital. Afterwards, she informed him that she desperately needed rest, being that the upcoming mission would be difficult enough.

She took the free time to reflect on the past missions. Cerberus, still up to no good, was responsible for the attack at Sur’Kesh. Luckily, they were able to get Eve out without much trouble. She felt some form of satisfaction beating the Illusive Man. Still, she wished she could figure out what the hell he was up to.

Her mind wandered to Primarch Victus and the recent loss he overtook. She grasped his pain; with what happened to Clara, she could relate. Still, his son died doing the right thing and it wasn’t something that she overlooked. It made her respect of the Turians grow a bit more, even though they planted an enormous bomb on Tuchanka; it took balls to go out there and try to make it right. Which is why she tried to be more sympathetic to the whole thing, even though Wrex was upset about it.

Speaking of, the most interesting thing happened when Wrex sent her to figure out what happened to some of his scouts. And in turn, she ran into another one of her favorite Krogans; Grunt. And she also happened to run into another old friend… the rachni queen. Sometimes, she wondered why she was so sympathetic to some of these races… she guessed it was because they all needed to be given a chance. Being human, to the Asari and Salarians, they were underdogs. She had a soft spot for them because her race was one as well. Needless to say, the Reapers were breeding rachni reapers; in return for freeing the queen, she agreed to help with the Crucible.

They were a valuable asset on the Crucible, which is what the people who have been working on it have dubbed it, according to Hackett. When she reviewed the blueprints for the Crucible, she felt a glimmer of hope. It could be done.

But first, they had to head to Tuchanka and distribute the cure.

The Shroud, which was a huge tower in the middle of Tuchanka, was the best hope at distributing the cure. They would need to make it airborne so the cure could be spread out throughout the whole planet.

She laid there for a few moments, on her bed. Wondering if it was possible to end thousands of years of death. Of course it was possible. She had one of the most brilliant scientists in the galaxy working tirelessly to construct a cure.

A smile came across her face as she opened her eyes and gazed at the stars above her; thinking of the last time she took the Normandy up for Thane. Both of them, naked, staring into the abyss. She also thought about the last message she got from Kaidan; he made Spectre. That made her proud.

It seemed like forever that she got lost in her thoughts, she almost didn’t notice EDI calling her to the bridge.

Joan’s frustration grew a bit as Joker informed her of the Reaper hanging out around the Shroud. It was irritating to say the least, she knew the job wasn’t easy. It wasn’t going to be easy. But as she assembled the crew in the war room she felt a bit better at having some of the best brainstorming with her.

They had a plan of attack; Wrex’s men would hit the reaper from the ground and Victus’ would do an airstrike, “Then it’s now or never.”

“Now,” said Wrex, “The Genophage ends today.”

She watched as the Primarch, Wrex and Mordin all left to prepare for the upcoming battle. Traynor informed her of an urgent message and she quickly marched to the comm room, her surprise was apparent when she saw that it was the Salarian dalatrass.

“Commander Shepard, we know you’ve reached Tuchanka, and by now I imagine Mordin Solus has proposed using the Shroud,” she started.

“Are you spying on us?”

“Hardly, the Shroud is the only viable course of action open to you,” she paused, briefly, before starting again in an urgent tone, “Commander, you can’t allow the diplomatic pressures of this war to cloud your judgement, do you honestly believe that curing the Genophage will end in lasting peace?”

She felt a surge of anger, but she managed to suppress it, “We have to give the Krogan that chance. You can’t condemn an entire race to extinction just because of what MIGHT happen.”

“What will happen is the Krogan will reproduce out of control. We uplifted them specifically for their violent nature, not their diplomatic skills. Another war is inevitable.”

She sighed, rubbing her bridge of her nose, “What exactly is it that you want?”

“Years ago, our operatives sabotaged the Shroud facility to ensure that what you’re planning cannot be done. Morin will likely detect this malfunction and repair it. But if you ensure that he doesn’t, then the cures viability will be altered just enough so that it fails. No one will notice that change.”

“So, you want me to trick them? You want me to lie to one of my oldest friends because you’re afraid of what could happen?”

“They need not be any wiser. Let Urdnot Wrex believe you fulfilled your promise.”

“Mordin will never stand for that,” she said. Implying that neither would she.

The dalatrass didn’t seem to notice, “How you deal with him is up to you, Commander; we can provide our very best scientists to build the Crucible- and the full support of our fleets.”

“At the price of sabotaging the cure and condemning a race to die,” she sighed. She needed the support of the Salarians, but she also wanted to do the right thing.

“Think about it, Commander. The choice is yours.”


	40. Chapter 40

Joan did not feel one ounce of regret at telling Wrex, Eve and Mordin the truth. There was no way she would sacrifice the trust of her friends for a chance to get a bit of help. She had no doubt that she would get help from the Salarians later; but she would not give up the chance to help the Krogan. She felt herself losing her humanity, but this was a chance for her to prove to herself that she had indeed changed. That she wasn’t a ruthless monster; if things needed to get done, she would find another way.

The breathing was deep as she combed the tunnels of the ancients. She sighed deeply; chuckling to herself.

“What’s so funny?” asked Garrus.

“Ah, just this predicament we’re in,” she said.

“Lola I think you’re losing your mind,” James joked.

She smiled to herself; in spite of their plans going awry, again, she was sure they could get this done. She had Wrex protecting the female, Mordin had the cure and sure enough, they would get the job done. For now, she had to focus on getting them out of the tunnels.

The darkness seemed endless. A small piece of her was concerned that they would never make it out, but she quickly pushed those thoughts from her mind, telling herself that she always found a way. She had to; it would be a shitty way to die.

They felt the ground shaking again. Garrus started, “That didn’t feel like a regular tremor to me.”

“Wrex,” she radioed, “Are you guys feeling these tremors?”

“Not up here,” Wrex responded.

“It could be something else, Commander,” Eve put in, “It is said that Kalross, the mother of all thresher maws, lives in this region.”

“Which is another reason to get your ass out of there, move it, Shepard!”

“Did I hear that right? The mother of all thresher maws?” James asked.

“When the Krogan name a thresher maw, you know you’re in trouble, they don’t think anyone’s ever going to kill it,” Garrus said.

Joan pushed forward, with both Garrus and James behind her. After what seemed like ages, they saw sunlight again. And the view was… spectacular. The ruins of Tuchanka were amazing to say the least. There was actually green growing; in a world where everything was dark and ruined, there were small patches of hope growing. She had no doubt now, that given the chance, they would thrive. The sight made her smile a bit and for a few moments, she wished Thane were there to see it.

She shook her head after a few moments and pressed on, knowing that they still had work to do. James hollered as he saw the rachni reapers approaching them, finally happy to be in a fight. She had to admit, he had a way of pumping her up and making her happy to be fighting as well.

Joan commanded Garrus to snipe from a distance as she and James pushed forward, trying to take them down. They were tough, but after a good while, they were able to put them down. They felt the tremors get closer and they ran towards some steps at the end of the temple. Wrex was hollering in her ear to hurry up, also telling his brood brother, Wreav to keep an eye out for Kalros.

The truck stopped in front of them and she motioned for Garrus and James to climb into the truck. A few yards away, she saw the ground exploding. Dirt shooting up and then she saw the sleek body of the maw peek up from the side, heading towards Wreav’s truck. In one quick instant, she saw the truck get crashed into the ground and she climbed in at Wrex’s command.

“We’re in! Go!”

Wrex stepped on the pedals, trying to pick up as much speed as possible to get them away from Kalros, “Let’s finish this, there’s a Reaper waiting for us.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Did we just get shot by a Reaper?” Garrus asked.

“Consider that practice,” she replied. Pushing forward. The ground around them was exploding as the reaper shot lasers at them, trying to kill them.

_Motherfucker would have to try harder, there is no way this bitch is taking us down today._

“Are we really doing this?” James shouted, taking cover from another beam.

“Just keep moving!”

“Holy shit! We’re really doing this!”

“Stick to cover!” she shouted back to James.

“I don’t think cover is going to work!” Garrus shouted as the beam took down another pillar in front of them. She hated to admit it, but this one Reaper was proving to be a pain in the ass. It would be tough to get to those hammers without being reduced to ash.

She suddenly heard a voice on the radio and looked up to see fighter crafts in the air, “Commander, this is Artimec Wing! We’ll try to give that Reaper something else to shoot at.”

“I knew they wouldn’t give up,” Garrus said.

“Now that’s some goddamn balls!” James hollered, admiring the turians.

_Damn right, it is._

“Let’s push ahead!”

As they neared the crossing to the hammers, a Reaper leg smashed in front of them. The ground shook and debris flew everywhere, for a few moments they were blinded and almost missed the big Brute charging at them. Last minute, Joan charged out of the way and started shooting at the Brute, commanding Garrus and James to take cover. After she emptied a whole clip into him, she ran towards the left side to activate the hammer and she was intercepted by two more Brutes.

“Go! We got him! Get to the hammer!” Garrus shouted.

She ran towards the hammer, the Reaper leg smashing in the ground right in front of her, missing her by a few feet. She jumped towards the hammer and activated it, turning around to activate the other.

“Almost have cure. Eve’s vital signs dropping. Trying to compensate,” she heard Mordin’s voice say.

As she approached the center; she saw James and Garrus fighting two more additional Brutes, barely hanging on. She took cover for a few moments, firing a concussive shot and throwing a grenade at the Brutes to take the pressure off. They managed to take two down before James shouted at her to get the other hammer. She ran as fast as she could, concerned about the well being of her team. She smashed down the hammer and turned in time to see that her guys took down the brutes. They started to head her way when she shouted, “Go! Get back to the truck! I’ll take care of the cure!”

James and Garrus didn’t argue with her; they nodded and ran back, trying to avoid the legs of the Reaper smashing down constantly.

She hurried towards the Shroud, trying to avoid the legs of the Reaper as well. She felt tremors on the ground, not sure if it was because of the Reaper or Kalros; but she looked up in time to see the giant thresher maw smash into the Reaper. The Reaper was shooting out beams, trying to get Kalros to fall off of it, but the thresher maw held on.

Pushing her legs faster, she heard the screeching of Kalros and the sound of the beam powering up. She looked up again in time to see Kalros come up from behind the Reaper and take it down. She watched in satisfaction as Kalros pulled the Reaper into the ground. She smirked and then started jogging towards the entrance of the Shroud.

As she walked in, she saw Mordin already there, pushing buttons quickly on a panel in front of him. The whole place was coming apart around him and he barely seemed to notice. She jogged towards him, asking, “Mordin, is the cure ready?”

“Yes, loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve, but not lethal. Mealon’s research invaluable,” he responded, still pressing panels quickly.

“She’s okay?”

“Headed to safety now. Her survival fortunate. Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match, promising future for Krogan.”

“Damn!” she shouted as a large piece of metal fell on the panel a few feet away from them.

“Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up,” he said.

Joan stared at him, shocked, the skepticism clear in her voice, “You’re going up there?”

“Yes, manual access required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly,” he said, pressing buttons on his omni tool with a speed she had never seen before.

“Mordin, this whole place is coming apart! There’s got to be another way!”

He turned and faced up towards the Shroud, “Remote bypass impossible. STG counter measures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature radiance,” he paused for a few moments, his head down, “No, no other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be problematic.”

Mordin started to walk towards the elevator, Joan walked after him, the emotion clear in her voice, “Mordin, no! Please!”

He turned back towards her, she started to feel the tears in her eyes threating to fall, “Shepard please. Need to do this. My project. My work. My cure. My responsibility,” he shut his eyes for a few moments, before he smiled, “Would have liked to run tests on the seashells.”

A single tear fell out as she said to him the only thing she could say, “I’m sorry, Mordin.”

“I’m not,” he smiled, “Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

He turned towards the elevator and paused, he turned back towards her and said, “I tried.”

She stared at him puzzled for a few moments, but before she could ask him what he meant, the doors closed and she saw him tapping away on his omni tool, before she could no longer spot him on the elevator. She let a few more tears fall out, knowing that she would never see her friend again. But after a few seconds, she pulled herself together and willed herself to walk out of the facility, wiping her eyes so no one would see her silent pain.

 

* * *

 

_Save the data. Send it. It has to be saved. Cannot let progress die with me. Must have work continued. Must do it. For future. Must have future._

He sighed in relief as he finally hit send. All of his work was not going to die with him. The database he sent it to, the team he sent it to will know what to do with it.

_They will know what to follow. Instructions are there. Guidelines. Progress. Hope._

He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. He wasn’t afraid, why should he be? He lived an adventurous life; he was a brilliant scientist. One of the best. The best. He worked amongst the strangest species and in observing, he found truth. He found friendship. He saw love blossom right in front of him. He saw death. He saw sorrow. He saw it all. It was a good life.

_One last sacrifice. My responsibility._

 He didn’t falter as the elevator doors opened and explosions were going off around him.

“Warning! Temperature malfunction detected!” the loudspeaker sounded, over and over. There was smoke everywhere and fire. But that didn’t stop him from going to that panel. He had to.

He smiled when his fingers touched the panel and he started clicking away at the buttons. There was no fear in his heart, or in his mind. He automatically started singing, the way he normally did when he was in the middle of a project, “I’ve studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian…”

“Temperature now within acceptable range,” the loudspeaker sounded as he pressed on the panel, “Dispersal commencing.”

The smile in his face was one of liberation. He was finally free from the burdens of his past. He saw the thin cloud of the cure spread out from the top of the Shroud. He breathed in and started singing again, “My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian… I am the very model of-“

And then there was darkness. There were no burdens anymore… just peace.

 

Joan looked up at the sky. Her eyes dry now. She held out her hand as small pieces of golden ash fell into her palm. She looked back up towards the Shroud, feeling a bittersweet sting of the victory at hand.

She heard footsteps behind her; in the corner of her eyes, she saw that it was Wrex and Eve. Both of them staring up at the sky in awe. Aware of the hope they now had, the hope for their future that they could now build.

 

* * *

 

 

“A long time ago, my father betrayed me in this place. His own son. He tried to kill me,” Wrex started. Pacing slowly in the dome, “So I had to kill him, right over there.”

He pointed to an area that was uplifted with rocks, Joan took a few steps in front of him, her back to him he continued, “That’s what the Genophage reduced us to; animals. But you changed that today, Shepard.”

She turned towards them as Eve started, “Now we’ll fight for our children, not against them. It’s just a pity Mordin had to die.”

Joan felt the sting in her heart. She turned away and walked towards a large slab of rock, leaning against it, “He wouldn’t have had it any other way, and I’m sure wherever he is… He’s putting in a good word for us.”

“We’ll name one of the kids for him—maybe a girl,” Wrex said. She smirked at that, feeling grateful that his sacrifice would be honored.

She turned to face Eve, “But you, Commander-- we can thank you in person.”

“Tell the Turians I’ll be deploying troops to Palaven immediately,” Wrex promised, “And when you’re ready to kick the Reapers off Earth, you let me know. The Krogan are back in business.”

Eve stepped forward to shake her hand, “Goodbye, Commander.”

“What will you do now?”

“Spread the hope that you and Mordin have given us. Even now, there are clans gathering in the Kelphic Valley. I’ll go speak to them and make sure this gift isn’t squandered. Thank you for all you’ve done, and know that Urdnot Bakara calls you a friend.”

“And that I call you a sister,” Wrex added. Grabbing her arm and pulling her close, giving her a hug the way a brother would to his sister. She smiled at both of them when he let go before turning and walking away. The victory was a great one, but it came at a cost. No doubt, more of her victories would have to cost something. Mordin was only the beginning.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate some feedback on this chapter and the meeting between two characters. Personally, I felt like it was something that needed to be done and in my own mind, it happened so yeah. Lol.

Joan sighed as she exited the comm room. She was glad that Hackett trusted her enough to put aside Salarian support, with the exception of Kirrahe. This way was the best way, she didn’t want to lie to her friend and condemn them to death just to undermine them. She was trying to keep her humanity intact, not rip it apart again.

She caught up with Victus in the war room, who informed her that Wrex had already deployed troops to Palaven. With that in mind, Victus would lend his full support to Joan when she needed it and even sent some of his finest to work on the Crucible, which she was really grateful for.

“May the spirits watch over us all,” he said as he walked away.

 Joan leaned against the round war panel as Garrus started, “I’ll start managing Turian support right away, Shepard. You must be exhausted… Mordin dying—it can’t be easy.”

She hung her head a little low, but spoke with authority, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

Garrus leaned against the panel, facing her, “We both know you need a clear head to win this war. There’s no room for mistakes here. You should catch some shut eye. And if you’re worried, I’ll make sure Joker doesn’t launch any suicide missions.”

Reluctantly, she agreed to get some rest. Garrus had a point, and she trusted him. In all honesty, the last thing she wanted to do was rest. Everytime she tried… she looked at Garrus, “Anything happens, you let me know.”

Once inside her cabin, she sent a quick message to Thane, informing him about Mordin’s death. Sharing with him how upset she was and how she wished he was there to help her through it. After waiting for about five minutes, she decided he was probably busy and fell onto her bed.

It was grey again. But a darker grey. There were shadows of people lurking everywhere, all of them talking to each other. Unaware of the darkness around them. She looked down and saw that she was in full armor once again.

She took one step and heard laughter. A child’s laughter. Ignoring it, she ran. But her steps were slowed. Everything around her was slow motion. Then, she heard a voice. HIS voice.

_Shepard! Excellent timing. Good to have you here._

Mordin’s voice sounded far away, stirred in with echoes.

She ran towards a bench; the rumbling of the Reaper filling her ears, the red laser illuminating the ground beneath her. She saw a boy running away, frightened. She chased after him. Somehow, she knew it was the little boy she had seen before.

The sound of echoing voices and sobbing filled the air; endless whispers. Hushed.

_Someone else might have gotten it wrong._

_Shepard._

Her heart throbbed when she heard HER voice.

Her mind was trying to comprehend where the whisperes were coming from. She heard the rumbling again and the child kept running, she followed.

_That won’t happen. Go get him Commander. I’ll see you all when you get back._

As she approached the child, he stared at her. She reached out to him, trying so desperately to save him. But once again, he caught fire. He burned right in front of her. The smell of burning flesh so vivid in her nose…

Joan jolted awake; the datapad in her hand flew to the other side of the room, smashing against the wall. Her breathing was labored.

Slowly, she got up and held her head in her hands.

 _Get it together, Joan_ , she thought. She hit her head a few times, in anger, “Fucking get it together!”

She heard a faint knocking on her door, without thinking, she answered, “It’s open.”

Liara walked in, “Shepard? There’s something you need to hear.”

“All right,” she said, rubbing her face roughly.

Liara stopped near the fish tank, leaning against it, “Is this a bad time?”

Joan sighed, leaning her elbows on her knees, “Thinking of some friends that aren’t around, thanks to this fucking war.”

“That’s thanks to the Reapers, not you… is there anyone in particular on your mind?”

She wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about it; talk about them. Not yet. She shook her head, “I’ll let them rest. They probably wouldn’t want me moping around anyways.”

She saw Liara exhale softly, as if she wanted to press the matter. But she didn’t.

“Is there something you had for me?”

“The Salarian councilor has an urgent matter.”

“Let me guess,” she said, standing up, crossing her arms, “He called the comm room.”

“The council must be taking the Crucible seriously,” she said, “I’ll see you downstairs.”

Liara gave her a quick glance, seemingly like she wanted to speak more. She nodded instead and walked out of the cabin. Which was good, Joan wasn’t in the mood. The dream left her on edge. Especially the voices.

Mordin’s death was new. She half expected to still be emotional about his death… but Ashley. It had been almost three years since her death. She supposed she never really got over it.

On habit, she headed to her private terminal to check her messages, and sure enough, there was one from Thane. She smiled, slightly.

_Siha,_

_I write this with a heavy heart; feeling your pain at Mordin’s death. I understand that you may feel like it is your fault, but it is not. He made his decision, and it was an honorable one at that. One worthy of respect._

_If there was something about Mordin, is that he was a strange individual, but kind hearted. I grew close to him during our time on the Normandy and even spent some time with him after, shortly. Although I am glad that he righted the wrong he has created, I share your sorrow and I pray to Arashu that he finds peace in the next life._

_Do not drown in your despair, Siha. We both knew that this war would claim many lives; death does not discriminate against the races, age or gender. You honored his sacrifice by giving him the opportunity to make things right. I wish I could speak to you more, but as I am in the hospital, I must leave for my medication._

_I love you, Siha. I hope to see you again, soon._

_-Thane._

The words made her eyes water; he was right. Mordin’s sacrifice did matter, it wasn’t for nothing. As was Ashley’s. Instead of lingering on it, she made her way down to the comm room. Interestingly enough, the news from the Salarian councilor had nothing to do with the Crucible, but with councilor Udina. The councilor claimed to have him under investigation and asked her to meet him at the Citadel.

Without question, she ordered Joker to get them to the Citadel right away. She needed to get to the bottom of this and find out what exactly the councilor from Earth was up to.

 

* * *

 

 

 _He is a good man_ , Thane thought to himself as he watched Kaidan looking at his cards, _but he has an awful poker face, at least with me._

Thane has seen Kaidan beat many other people in the hospital, no doubt he did have a good poker face when playing against others. But Thane was an assassin, and for a long time, his job was to observe before going in for the kill. To take in every inch of his surroundings and of his target’s. A subtle squint of the eye, barely noticeable. The split second facial expression of disappointment. He had a terrible hand.

He didn’t know that Thane knew. But Thane decided to not to call his bluff and fold, letting Kaidan win the hand.

“What did you have?” Kaidan asked, curiosity apparent in his voice.

“Nothing good,” Thane answered, trying to sound disappointed.

“Ah,” Kaidan said, leaning back against his seat, “Are you feeling better today?”

“No worse than usual,” Thane replied, “It’s only bad if I over exert myself.”

Kaidan nodded. There was an awkward silence between them. Thane wasn’t jealous of him, if anything, he respected Kaidan. He has done a lot for Shepard in the past, he understood that a bond like that would never be broken, and he would never try to. But, he knew his time was near. He could feel it in his body. The plans he had went south and he knew he had to try to make things better for those around him once he was gone, “You’re still in love with her.”

Thane noticed Kaidan get flushed, “What? Who?”

He smirked, leaning forward, “Shepard, you still love her.”

Kaidan stumbled as he tried to find something to say, “That’s—I’m not sure if I—“

“I’m not angry, and I’m not asking. It’s a fact,” he put his hand up, stopping Kaidan in his tracks, “I say this because I don’t have much time left. So please, just hear me out.”

Kaidan leaned forward in his chair slightly, “Alright.”

“She cares about you. I am not sure if she loves you, I don’t think she’s entirely sure if she loves you. But, you are an honorable man, from what I’ve gathered, and I ask for one request when I’m gone…”

He paused, feeling the air suddenly feel so clear in his chest, “I ask that you please watch over her. She has people that care for her; Garrus is her closest friend. As is Miranda and Liara. But you—you have been there since the beginning. She will need all the help she needs to finish this. Even if you don’t think too fondly of me, I ask you to please do this. If not for me, then for her.”

There was silence between them again. Until Kaidan finally spoke up, “I may not be the best person for the job; I didn’t even trust her when we were on Mars, I don’t know if I can trust her… but I will try. And I’ll do my best to help her.”

That was good enough for him. He smiled at him slightly, and Kaidan returned the gesture with his own smile. There was an understanding between them. He felt peace, in that moment.

Suddenly, there was an explosion. He and Kaidan both jumped to their feet and looked out of the large window at the hospital. In the distance, they saw shuttles. Thane recognized them. Cerberus. He looked at Kaidan, who started, “Shit, I need to get my armor.”

“Let’s go,” Thane said.

“Whoa, whoa, you’re sick, I don’t think you should,” Kaidan said, his arm in front of Thane.

Thane started at him, the look in his eyes dark, “You will need all the help you can get; and I am able to assist.”

He pulled out a gun out of his holster, hidden behind his leather coat and loaded it. Kaidan stared at him, bewildered, “You had that this whole time?”

“You never know when you might need it,” he replied.

Kaidan didn’t object. He followed Kaidan as he jogged out of the hospital. They managed to take down a few of the Cerberus operatives on the way to his apartment, where Kaidan left his armor. When they arrived, Thane waited outside to provide cover and keep a lookout.

When Kaidan was ready, they headed out and found a few dead C-Sec officers, Thane quickly turned one over and grabbed his radio, “We need to send for help.”

“Good idea,” Kaidan said, moving forward with his assault rifle. They were blocked off by a few Cerberus troops. Kaidan quickly used his biotics to incapacitate them and Thane proceeded to finish them off, using one bullet to kill each. He heard some footsteps behind him and quickly turned to find a Cerberus troop about to shoot Kaidan, he quickly ran over and shot him in the leg. The Cerberus troop aimed at him and fired. Thane quickly slid down on the floor, losing hold of his gun. He got to his feet and punched him multiple times, stunning him, before snapping his neck.

Kaidan nodded at him, thanking him for the assist. Thane nodded back. As they reached the Presidium, they joined up with a few C-Sec officers, “Are you alright?”

“We’re getting our asses kicked,” said a Turian C-Sec officer, he was joined by one other Turian and one human.

Kaidan shouted, “Shit! The council! I need to go for them!”

Thane wanted to object to the idea; but he understood that it was his duty, “Go, I’ll stay and try to help these C-Sec officers.”

“Be careful,” Kaidan said to him. Thane nodded, and Kaidan turned towards the elevator. He whispered a silent prayer, and then loaded his gun. After he was finished, he turned his attention to the Cerberus officers closing in on them.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies again, holidays lol. Enjoy, <3

Joan led the way into C-Sec headquarters, followed by Garrus, Bailey and James took up the rear, making sure they weren’t ambushed from behind. Once they established the room was clear, Bailey took a seat at the terminal and started typing away.

The worry was still thick in her throat; Thane was no longer in the hospital, but trying to get to them. She had confidence in his abilities, she’s seen him in action. But with the recent loss of Mordin still fresh in her mind, it was hard to stay positive. Not to mention, Thane informed her that Kaidan ran off to protect the council. She was a little pissed, knowing very well that they should have stayed together, but what the hell could she do? All she could do now was minimize casualties and try to get these motherfuckers off the Citadel.

“Cerberus has control of the main channels, but I can set up a new one,” Bailey said to her,” Without it our people have no plan and no chance… hello…”

She had her assault rifle up and loaded, still surveying the area, she nodded to James to take her place and she walked towards Bailey, lowering her rifle, “What have you got?”

“A warning from councilor Valern, he’s supposed to be here meeting with the executor,” he looked back at the terminal, “’Be on guard, the likelihood of betrayal from within is high,’ not a lot else, but if he’s inside…”

“Why would the councilor be meeting with the executor?”

“Usually it means someone big is about to be prosecuted. I guess that someone had Cerberus friends,” Bailey answered.

Garrus put it, “The councilor mentioned Udina… but that’s insane. How does he even have that kind of pull?”

“The councilor would be the only one to have the answer to that,” Bailey said.

“One councilor is better than zero; where am I headed?”

“He could be in the executor’s office, it’s a fairly defensible position,” Garrus said.

“I’m on it,” she said, walking away, readying her assault rifle.

“Just a second,” Bailey said, tapping his omni tool, Joan heard a beep on hers and started allowing communication through, “There now we can talk by omni tool. Go!”

She didn’t need to be told twice, she moved forward and started communication with Thane, “Thane, did you hear all that?”

“Yes,” he replied, sounding a bit winded, “I’m nearing the building, but running is difficult. I’ll try to get to you, Siha.”

“Don’t exert yourself, Thane,” she said, “I understand if you can’t make it.”

He chuckled, “I’ll be fine, Siha.”

“Ahem,” James said, “We can hear you.”

She laughed but the radio was silent after. It took them awhile to reach the executors office; they were intercepted by Cerberus troops at every turn. They got through them with some difficulty, together they managed to push through them. It also helped that Bailey was keeping an eye through the cameras, informing her when there were Cerberus troops around the corner or headed their way.

When they reached the executors office, James pushed the door open and they carefully walked inside. Covering every angle, wary of a possible threat. Her eyes fell on the bodies on the ground.

“Bailey, looks like they got the executor and two Salarian bodyguards,” she radioed.

“Damn! Alright, keep searching and if you don’t find the councilor’s body, don’t count him out yet,” Bailey responded.

She looked towards Garrus, who was observing outside of the big glass window. Almost squinting, she walked up beside him and followed his gaze. There was a crackling of electricity underneath a desk, and sure enough, Valern revealed himself. It seemed he was under the same cloaking device that Kasumi used to use.

Joan immediately radioed Bailey, “Found the councilor, he looks unharmed.”

“How do we get down there?” James asked.

She motioned towards the stairs on her right hand side, “Maybe we can use those.”

James chuckled, “Take it easy on the sarcasm, Lola.”

He and Garrus both started to march down the stairs, but just as she was about to follow after them, something caught her eye. She turned to see a man walking towards Valern, and not a friendly man. Instinctively, she shot through the glass and jumped out. She landed on her feet and pointed her gun at the man, who jumped over Valern. He held his hand out; no doubt getting ready to use a biotic charge.

“Don’t even think about it,” she said to him, taking a few steps towards him; gun raised, aiming for his head.

“Shepard, he’s going to kill us all!” Valern said, urgently.

“That remains to be seen,” she replied, her eyes squinting slightly. She tried to walk slowly around the councilor, but he had his eyes on her as well, following her steps. Staying directly in front of the councilor, using him as a shield.

_Fucking coward._

“I mean Udina, he’s staging a coup—he’s got the other councilor’s now to hand over to Cerberus,” Valern said.

_Shit, Kaidan is with the councilors. Fuck._

Garrus and James both made it down the stairs, pointing their guns at the man in front of them, “Three on one; it’s over, man.”

“No,” he said, charging up the light in his hand, “Now it’s fun.”

She almost didn’t see him appear from thin air. Thane pointed his gun at the man’s head, and almost instantly, the man knocked the gun from Thane’s hand. Joan used the distraction to pull Valern from the back of his coat and towards her. She shouted to Garrus and James, “Protect him!”

Joan quickly ran towards Thane, who was tossed over the man and onto the ground. She tackled the assassin down and punched him in the face before he punched her back and pushed her off him. She slid on the ground and quickly got up; pulling her pistol out, Thane did the same and they both stood back to back, moving around in a circle, trying to find him.

From her peripheral vision, she saw him appear in front of Thane. He quickly fired his gun at him, and Joan turned to his side to fire at him too; Thane pushed her back as the assassin started throwing punches at him. The assassin swung his sword, but Thane saw it coming and crouched down. When he got up he roundhouse kicked the assassin in the chest and hit him in the back of the head with a biotic charge.

This sent him flying to the other side of the room. Joan took the opportunity to shoot at him; the assassin quickly jumped over Thane and behind her, she turned around and managed to avoid his sword by stepping back. It went on for a few moments; he was swinging his sword and she tried to dodge, it was like a dance for survival. She was able to grab his arm and pull him towards her, punching him hard in the face, and then kneeing him in the stomach. He recovered quickly and pushed her back, the force knocked her off of her feet and sent her sliding towards the pillar at the other side of the room.

She looked up to see Thane grab his gun and shoot at him, both of them running towards each other; she saw it coming before it happened. The world went slow in that instant; she quickly got to her feet to stop the oncoming damage. Thane jumped, ready to land a hard hit on the assassin, but she saw the sword, pointing up and bury itself deep into Thane’s abdomen.

The world was no longer slow, she could barely comprehend what just happened, but as she saw the assassin remove his blade from Thane’s body, covered in blood, she fired her gun at him. Uncontrollably. He jumped over the edge of the stairs and Joan followed, shooting at him. He ran towards the end of the building and jumped off… and sure enough, he landed on top of a shuttle and waved at her; taunting her. This angered her even more; she emptied out the rest of her clip at him and only stopped when she heard the sounds of another gun.

She turned her head and saw Thane, grabbing his abdomen, bleeding, slide down to the ground. She ran towards him and grabbed him, “Thane.”

His big black eyes looked up at her, “Go get him, I’ll be fine, Siha.”

Garrus and James showed up in that instant. She ignored them, “No, no no, I’ll stay here with you.”

He sighed, “I have time, catch him, or he’ll get away.”

The look in this eyes was pleading, she could sit there and argue with him, but he was right. She had to stop him. Reluctantly, she nodded and laid him on the ground, gently, “I’ll see you soon.”

He nodded. She turned towards the other shuttles and radioed Bailey, “Thane needs medical attention, fast. I need to kill this assassin.”

“He must be going after the rest of the council,” Bailey said.

“Get the word out; Udina’s trying to seize power, I got to get to the councilors.”

“They’re being taken to a shuttle pad on the Presidium, start driving, I’ll try to raise them on the comm.”

The shuttle doors opened, she turned one last time to steal a quick glance at Thane. He smiled at her, and she returned his smile back.

 _He'll be fine_ , she told herself; hoping she was right.

 

* * *

 

 

“Everyone back to the elevator, move!”

She saw Kaidan’s eyes fill with puzzlement. James slammed the console to the elevator, breaking it, then raised his gun at Kaidan, followed by Garrus.

“Shepard, what’s going on?!” Kaidan asked, his gun still raised at them.

“Shepards blocking our escape; she’s with Cerberus!” Udina accused.

Kaidan stepped in front of Udina, “Just… hang on—I got this. Everyone calm down,” he said.

Joan lowered her gun, she didn’t have the patience for this, but she knew she had to play it cool with Kaidan, especially since he was still on the sidelines about her allegiances, “I can explain this, Kaidan.”

“Come on Shepard, gun drawn on a councilor… kind of looks bad,” he said, his voice not sure of what to make of the situation in front of him.

She prompted Garrus and James to lower their weapons; both of them reluctantly did so, “We don’t have time to negotiate. You’ve been fooled, all of you.”

Joan took a few small steps towards him, “Udina’s behind this attack, the Salarian councilor confirmed it.”

“Please, you have no proof,” Udina said, as if he was laughing at her, “You never do.”

Her patience was wearing thin, she pointed towards the doors, “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they’ll kill us all.”

There was silence for a moment, the asari councilor finally spoke up, “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before, and it didn’t help us.

“We don’t have time to debate this! We’re dead if we stay out here, I’m overriding the lock,” Udina said, walking towards the panel.

Joan took a few steps closer, raising her gun, aiming at Udina. Kaidan stepped in the way, his gun pointed at her. She pleaded with her eyes. She pleaded for him to trust her. It was not something she would say out loud, but if he knew her the way she thought he did, then would understand that she was begging him to believe her. She willed it with all of her being.

His eyes blinked slowly, and he sighed, “I’d better not regret this.”

He turned towards Udina, walking towards him slowly, “Udina, step away from the console.”

“To hell with this!”

Joan looked at the door and saw that the override was underway, she was about to take a shot when the Asari councilor stepped in, trying to remove Udina from the console. He quickly pushed her down to the ground and drew his gun on her, Kaidan shouted, “He’s got a gun!”

She didn’t hesitate. It was either the Asari councilor, or him. And she took the shot. Udina fell to the ground, instantly dead.

“Kaidan?” Joan called to him, his head was hung low.

“Yeah—I’m good,” he answered.

She turned as soon as she heard the Turian councilor shout, “The door!”

All of them drew their guns, ready for the fight. To her surprise, it was Bailey who walked through, “Bailey?”

“Made it as fast as we could Shepard. Looks like you took care of things,” he said, observing the situation. He walked towards her and they all lowered their weapons.

“Something’s not right,” the Asari councilor started, “ You said Cerberus was targeting us—where did their soldiers go?”

“Cerberus was right here but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they found out we were coming,” Bailey answered, then added, “Sorry councilor I’ll say it plain, Shepard saved the lot of you.”

The turian councilor spoke, “Then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard. I owe you both a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven.”

“Don’t worry about it, times like this we all gotta stick together,” she said, staring at Kaidan. He stared back at her and gave her a half nod. Understanding the silent thank you she gave him with her eyes, grateful that he believed her.

“Commander, do you have any idea why would the Illusive Man do this?” the turian councilor asked.

“Sorry councilor, I wish I knew why,” she said, “But I do plan on finding out.”


	43. Chapter 43

Bailey informed Joan that Thane was taken to Huerta Memorial. She was relieved when she got the news, but now, standing outside of his door, listening to the doctor go on about the trauma and complications because of his Kepral’s Syndrome… it was difficult to grasp.

“There must be something you—I could do,” she told the doctor.

“The best we can do is make him comfortable, he doesn’t have much time, you might want to say your goodbyes now,” he said, the look on his face shared her sympathy.

She breathed in, frightened. Still trying to make sense of it; she refused to believe it.

_No. He’s not going to die. He can’t. He won’t._

She mustered up all her courage and finally stepped into the room. It was quiet. She was greeted by a young drell. His face was familiar and she recalled Thane’s son, Kolyat.

“Commander Shepard; I’m glad you’re here. I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Kolyat, Thane’s son.”

Joan took his hand and shook it, firmly, “I remember you, Kolyat. Your father spoke of you often.”

He smirked for a quick moment, before his face went rigid, “I came to donate blood—and well… he asked me to take off his oxygen mask so he could be comfortable. I don’t think it will be very long.”

“Your father helped me save a lot of lives,” she said, trying to keep her voice level, “I’d like to be here with him. Please.”

Kolyat nodded, “Of course.”

She slowly walked towards him. He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling until he finally turned to look at her, “Siha, I’m afraid I… picked a bad time to leave.”

 _Stay strong, stay strong… for him, please_ , she thought. Her hands stroked his forehead, she surprised herself at how level and calm her voice sounded, but she couldn’t resist saying it out loud, “Thane... Please, don’t give up. Please, stay.”

“You are a great protector, Siha, but some things are beyond even you,” he coughed, trying to gain control of his breathing, “Excuse me,” he wheezed, “Breathing is difficult.”

His voice was raspy now, as if every word was harming him, “Siha, it will be soon. I need to know if the councilor survived.”

Kolyat answered before she could, which she was thankful for, seeing him like this… it harmed the deepest parts of her soul, “Yes father. Three are alive thanks to you and Commander Shepard. Udina—he instigated it. He is dead.”

“You did good, Thane,” she said, still trying to keep it together. Kolyat might not have been able to detect the sorrow in her voice, but Thane did.

“Do not despair, Siha. It is not your time, but it is mine…” He breathed in shallow breaths now, his tone was filled with urgency, “There is something I must do before it gets worse. I must—“ he started coughing again, each bout was worse than the last. When the coughing subsided, he closed his eyes, “Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand—“

The coughing came again, Joan shut her eyes and gripped his hand tightly. She heard Kolyat’s voice continue, “Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.”

When he could breathe, he spoke, “Kolyat… you speak as the priests do. You have been spending time with them.”

He nodded. He slowly walked over to Joan, pulling out a book from his coat pocket, “I brought a prayer book, Commander. Would you care to join me?”

She bowed, her hand still holding Thane’s. Kolyat started, “Kalahira, this one’s heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention…”

Joan looked towards the book, and began reading the verse that Kolyat pointed to her, “Guide this one, to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, and the hungry never starve… Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you, as she was to me.”

She looked up at Thane, who turned his head to face the window. She knew it. The moment his grip was no longer firm in her hand, the moment his last breath let out, almost as a sweet sigh. His eyes did not blink anymore, they stayed open. There was no movement.

The hurt in her heart was swallowed down. She walked up to him and gently closed his eyes.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, “Kolyat? Why did the last verse say ‘she’?”

His eyes met hers, the sorrow in them was visible, “The prayer was not for him, Commander. He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he’s taken.”

Kolyat’s voice lowered a bit, “His wish was for you.”

She walked towards Thane, lifeless now, “Mind if I stay awhile longer?”

“Not at all, Shepard, I understand,” Kolyat said. She heard the faint beeping of an omni tool going off and saw through her peripherals Kolyat reading a message. She turned to see him; he was vaguely aware that she was looking at him. There was a strange look in his eyes.

_He just lost his father, you fucking idiot._

“I’m sorry, Kolyat,” she said to him.

Kolyat looked up at her, quickly shutting off his omni tool, “Don’t be. He died believing in the right thing… I should tell you,” he said, walking towards her, “My father—he cared a great deal about you. Anyone could see it in his eyes when he spoke about you.”

She turned to Thane now, willing herself to keep her tears inside. The pride in her did not allow her to shed tears in front of anyone.

“He loved you, so much,” she whispered.

She felt the warmness of his hand on her shoulder. That was all the comfort she needed right now. She wanted so badly to let it out. She breathed in deeply.

For a long while, she sat there, in silence with Kolyat’s hand still resting on her shoulder. Joan thought about the first time she met him; the first time she saw him drop down from the ceiling in Nassana’s building, how impressed she was. How he made her feel. Her thoughts went back to the Normandy; the first time she physically declared her love for him.

“I—“ she started, getting up from her seat and walking towards the door, “I have to go, Kolyat… please contact me if you need anything.”

She faintly heard his response; she just needed to leave. She couldn’t deal with this right now. It was too much. Her legs pushed her towards the Normandy; she was vaguely aware of the people around her. She thought she heard Garrus’ voice talking to her. But everything was slow. Time did not matter. She did not know why, but she started heading towards a familiar room… she took a seat at the accustomed table. Staring out into the ship’s core.

Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply. His voice still fresh in her mind. Playing back over and over again.

_Siha. My Siha._

Frustrated, she punched the table. Again and again, until she saw red on the metallic surface. She didn’t care. She flipped up the table and yelled at the top of her lungs; in anger. In pain. In agony.

Not at the agony on her hands, but the pain in her heart. It was familiar. It was the same pain she felt when she lost Clara on Earth. Completely infuriated, she stomped out of the life support room and ran off the Normandy. Nowhere was safe.

Every face she saw; she only saw him. Every voice was Thane’s.

She found comfort in the Spectre office. Blood running down her hands, and tears pouring down her face. She wept. Her pain was her own. And no one bothered her. No one looked for her. The war didn’t matter to her right now… the light of her life was gone. And there was only darkness.

 

* * *

 

 

Joan moaned as she picked herself up from the floor. Her eyes felt heavy and her hands hurt, but that was nothing compared to the gaping hole she felt in her heart. She felt a wave of dizziness and ran towards the Spectre restroom.

 _Ugh_ , she thought as she spewed up that morning’s breakfast.

She flushed the toilet and walked towards the mirror. Her eyes were puffy and red. Her hair was all over the place; she quickly patted it back into place, it was irritating when her hair covered the shaven part of her head. She liked her hair the way it was.

_Fucking idiot, of all things you’re thinking about how much you love your hair. Might as well cut the whole damn thing off. Pull of a Jack._

She talked herself out of it though, this was good enough. She turned on the faucet and washed the dried blood on her hands. The cuts on them were noticeable, but they didn’t bleed out anymore, so that was good. She guessed she was out for a good while, since her body had the time to scab over the cuts.

After, she washed her face off with soap. Not giving a damn if the makeup she was wearing came off. Not like it mattered, she rarely wore the shit anymore.

Sighing deep, she walked out of the Spectre office. Her eyes were blinded by the brightness of the light coming in from the outside. She looked around at the people, all of them were running about in chaos. No one paid any attention to her; she was probably just another distraught civilian.

Distraught was the word.

When she arrived at the docking bay, again, no one seemed to notice her. Cerberus really did a number on the Citadel. As if there wasn’t enough chaos already, those bastards had to come and fuck everything up. Her mind went to the assassin.

_He’s mine. I’m going to kill that motherfucker._

She felt the darkness rising up again. But she didn’t care. Her reason for trying to hold it together was gone… nothing, no one was going to get in her way of getting that son of a bitch.

As the doors to the docking bay opened, she was a little shocked to see Kaidan, standing there. His eyes looked her over, observing her.

“Kaidan? How long have you been here?” she asked. Her thoughts still on the assassin.

“Awhile,” he whispered, “You ok?”

“Yeah. I’m good—great, whatever,” she smiled, sheepishly.

She was lying and he knew it, but he didn’t press the matter, “Look, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened; I mean, it’s not everyday you have an armed standoff with someone you—“ he paused, stopping himself, “I just want you to know; that I will never doubt you again. And… I got your back.”

“Good to know,” she said.

“But, there’s another reason I’m here,” he said, walking towards her, “Hackett offered me a position, but I’d turn it down in an instant if there was chance at joining you on the Normandy again.”

Joan was taken aback. She wasn’t sure what to say, but, she did need all the help she could get, so when she told him yes, she did not feel an ounce of regret.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to Pieces by Red when I wrote the first part of this chapter, that's where the song lyrics are from. As a matter of fact, there is a Thane/FemShep fan made vid of this song. I recommend you all watch it. If I could remember the name of the person that made it I would put it up, but alas, I can't recall. Either way, the next few chapters are inspired by this song. I hope you all enjoy. :)

_I’m here again, a thousand miles away from you; a broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am._

She gazed through the window in the ceiling above her bed, wondering if he was watching over her. She rarely left her cabin, only on important missions. She couldn’t bear to see his name on the wall. She didn’t want anyone’s sympathy; all she wanted was to kill the man that took Thane’s life. Thanks to Anderson, and Miranda, she was able to put a name to the face; Kai Leng. He would meet his end at her hands.

When she felt the tension in her rising again, she headed down towards the shuttle bay. Punching the bag was a good way to relieve her sorrow… it didn’t hurt so much.

James didn’t question her when he saw her start hitting the bag without wraps. She wanted to feel the pain, it was better than the pain she felt in her heart. Every hit was Kai Leng; she imagined hitting his face to a bloody pulp. Slowly, Thane’s face came. Almost like photos in her head. Thane smiling. Thane praying. Thane’s lips against hers.

She punched the bag so hard that it popped open and sand poured out. She groaned. 

“You might want to take it easy, Shepard,” Garrus said to her.

She walked towards him, and he tossed a towel at her, “I’ll live.”

“Will you?” he asked her.

She glanced up at him, noticing James eyeballing them in the background. She shot him a stern look and he continued doing whatever he was doing in the first place. Her attention went back to Garrus, “What do you want, Garrus?”

His voice lowered, “I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. About Thane.”

His name made her heart flutter, Garrus continued, “I figured you’d want time for yourself, to deal with it. You’re not good at talking about your feelings when it comes to the dead. But, I liked him. He was a great man.”

She leaned against the shuttle, looking at her feet, “He was.”

Garrus put his hand on her shoulder, “You and I deal with things differently, but if I know you; you’ll want revenge for his death. I’m not going to stop you, you need this.”

This puzzled her, “But, I stopped you from killing Sidonis.”

“That was different; justice was served to him. I don’t think justice will matter in this case,” he said.

There was silence for a few moments before he changed the subject, “Speaking of justice, Samara has informed Liara that she is on her way to Earth with some justicars, all ready to help out the resistance.”

“Good,” she said, getting up, “I need to get some rest.”

He nodded at her and she paused at his side, “Thanks… Garrus.”

“Don’t shut us out, Shepard, we’re all here for you,” he said to her.

 

* * *

 

 

She barely made it to the restroom this time; she felt extremely nauseated and tired. A groan escaped her lips as she flushed the toilet in her cabin and heard a faint knocking. Quickly, she rinsed her face and shouted, “Its open.”

“Hey,” came Kaidan’s voice, she dried her face with a towel and met him near the fish tank.

“Kaidan,” she said, leaning against the tank, “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to see how you’re doing…” he paused, his eyes boring into her, “With… it can’t be easy; dealing with the passing of someone you care about… I know.”

“I’m not sure I want to talk about this, Kaidan,” she groaned, her stomach still feeling wonky, the taste of metal in her mouth, “it’s not that- it’s just- ugh.”

He chuckled, “I get it, Shepard. It’s weird to talk about your- well the person you love with the person you used to love; I just wanted to check in on you.”

Her eyes were following a little blue fish, swimming towards an orange fish, “I’ll deal with it, Kaidan.”

He nodded. The room was quiet for a moment; it had been like this since Thane. She barely wanted to see anyone, Kaidan was the last thing on her mind.

“You know, when you were dead, I spent months mourning. I thought to myself, that if I prayed hard enough, then—I don’t know, maybe someone out there would hear me and bring you back to me,” he sighed.

Joan’s eyes met his now, he continued, “I had a hard time sleeping, I couldn’t eat anything; I didn’t want to be around anyone.”

“Kaidan…”

“Hold on—just, listen, please,” he crossed his arms now, “What I’m trying to say is: it’s—what you’re feeling right now; it’s ok to feel that way. Just don’t stay in it forever, because… it can destroy you.”

She wasn’t sure what to say to that. What could she say? Kaidan knew firsthand what he was talking about… he did lose her, after all.

“Thane mentioned that you both got separated that day; you got him out?”

“Actually, I was visiting him that day,” he revealed, staring straight at her.

This revelation left her dumbfounded, “Why?”

He shrugged, “Because, he was good guy. Didn’t matter that he was an assassin; when I first spoke to him, I could see why you fell for him. He was… generous,” he chuckled, “We were playing cards that day, and I had a feeling he let me win.”

She laughed, “You always did have a terrible poker face.”

“Well, I guess I do,” he said, “Look, I know this probably isn’t the right time to tell you this; but I care about you, still. More than you’d know. The reality of it is--,” he walked towards her, standing just a few inches from her, “I am still in love with you.”

The news didn’t shock her. The timing, however…

“Kaidan—I don’t know what to say to that, I just—“

“I know,” he cut her off, “I know. I just, I couldn’t keep these feelings inside anymore. I know you probably don’t feel the same and I’m the one that broke it off… but I have never stopped loving you. I’m not asking you to be with me… because that’s impossible for you right now. But if the time comes; I’ll be here.”

“Wait, Kaidan, you have a girlfriend, remember? The doctor you broke up with me me for?”

He looked down at his hands, “We broke up. A good while back, before Earth was attacked.”

Now she felt like shit, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

“It’s fine; we weren’t compatible anyways; or so she said.”

She suddenly felt bad for him. She hadn’t realized how difficult it must have been for him to imagine her with Thane. She closed the distance between them and leaned her head on his shoulder. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist, gripping her tightly.

They stayed that way for a few moments before she let him go, “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Kaidan. I need to figure things out.”

“I understand,” he said, he started walking out, “But if you can secure an alliance between the Krogan and the Turians… I’m sure you can figure out where your heart lies.”

She was left standing there, speechless. He said he wasn’t trying to pressure her, but it seemed like… _ugh, I can’t think about his right now_. She sat at her private terminal and reread the last email that Thane sent her. It had arrived shortly after his passing. It was the only thing that brought her some form of sanity in these insane times.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: Huge warning for this chapter, there is some content on here that may be delicate or cause offense, it is not my intention to do so and I apologize in advance if this offends any of you.]

She was so close. _He was there. He was fucking there!_

And the son of a bitch got away; not just that, but Liara’s homeworld was destroyed. Thessia.

 _I always loved Thessia_ , Thane’s voice came to her.

She tried to shake him from her thoughts, but she never could.

Even when she tried to comfort Liara, all she could think about was him. It was selfish really, Liara needed her and she felt that she didn’t really do a great job at helping her friend. Liara was grateful, however, she showed her gratitude by showing her a vid that she created for her.

The only bright side was that she had killed a Reaper on Rannoch and managed to secure a Quarian/Geth alliance… but at the cost of another life. Legion.

_Does this unit have a soul?_

She felt that feeling again, the sickness in her stomach. She was in the mess hall when it happened, and she spewed out all her lunch on the floor. So many people rushed to her aid as she hunched over and vomited. Liara came out of her room and put her hand on her back, “Shepard, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Liara,” she replied, after she was done heaving. She looked at the crew members, “I’ll clean this up.”

“Don’t worry about it, Commander, we got it,” the mess hall sergeant said to her. Before she could object, he grabbed his cleaning materials and shooed her away.

She silently made her way to the med bay. Her mind starting to panic as she thought about what the possibility of her sickness contained.

“Hello, Commander,” Chakwas greeted her, “What can I do for you?”

She sighed, nervously crossing her arms, “Karin, I need your help with something… and I need you to remain quiet about this…”

 

* * *

 

 

Waiting was driving her mad. She hated waiting… more than anything. She was growing impatient with every second that passed. She sat on her bed and picked up the photo of Thane that was on her nightstand.

_As much as I want this, Thane, I don’t know if I can have this… I have a feeling this will not end well for me._

As soon as she heard the ping, she ran towards her private terminal and read the message from Karin. Her heart soared and sank, both at the same time as she read the words on the screen. The photo of Thane in her hand still, she brought it up to her heart and hugged it tightly. Tears started rolling down her face, “I wish you were here.”

She didn’t know what to do. Instinctively, she called Liara up to her chambers. She set the photo down next to the terminal and walked towards the fish tank. She was barely aware that Liara came in a few moments later, “Shepard, what’s wrong?”

“Go to my private terminal, Liara, and read the message from Dr. Chakwas,” she said, the tears still rolling down her face.

Liara’s soft footsteps walked towards the terminal. She didn’t turn to her, but she heard Liara’s gasp, “Shepard?”

Liara’s hand was suddenly on her shoulder, “Is this why you’ve been feeling sick?”

“I suppose so, Liara,” she answered, “It’s because i’m pregnant.”

“Thane?”

She nodded; Liara was at her side now. Joan turned to face her, not caring if she saw the tears anymore, “I didn’t think it was possible, but now, I have his child. Growing inside of me. And… as much as I want this, I can’t have this, Liara. We both know what could—what will happen. I could die and—“

“Shepard, don’t think like that. You have survived the odds and beaten the impossible, you must not think that way,” Liara said to her.

She scoffed, “Liara, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going to try like hell to save this galaxy, even if it kills me. And that’s the problem. I’m not fit to be a mother right now. Even though I want this so much. I want it more than anything Liara. I miss him so much.”

Liara pulled her into her arms and held her as she cried. Her sobs were loud; tears that she held in so no one would see. Liara was seeing them now. Liara’s voice was barely a whisper as she asked her, “What do you want to do?”

Joan pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes, the answer was right there. Even if it was something she didn’t want, “I can’t have this child, Liara.”

She nodded, “I understand, Shepard. I will make the necessary arrangements. And I will keep it a secret from the rest of the crew. No one will know.”

“You promise?”

Liara stayed silent for a moment, “I promise, the crew won’t find out.”

Joan sighed, “Thank you, Liara.”

Liara pulled her in for another hug, and the tears came out again; because now she was destroying the only piece of Thane she had left. And she felt like the cruelest human being in the galaxy; the Reapers were second to her.

 

* * *

 

 

Joan awoke swiftly. Her hands automatically reaching for her abdominal area. She felt the sadness come back, and the guilt along with it. She tried to assure herself that she made the right decision. But now, her heart was filled with regret as she stared at the photo of Thane.

Hackett had given them all some shore leave, and she was in Anderson’s old apartment. She thought this was probably the dumbest time to have shore leave, being that the Reapers weren’t taking it easy on any of them. But, the Crucible still had awhile left before it was completed, and the forces were holding their own against the Reapers. All she had to do was wait.

She was startled by the door of the apartment closing, and she heard a familiar voice, “Shepard?”

Joan quickly put a pair of black jeans on and a white spaghetti strap shirt. She walked down the stairs and saw Miranda, staring out of the window, “Miranda? I figured you would have been with Orianna.”

“I was,” she said, “But then I heard you had some shore leave and figured I’d spend some time with you. After all,” she walked towards her and gave her a tight hug, “You did save Orianna and I, again.”

“It wasn’t a problem,” she said, as Miranda let her go.

“I’ve still been tracking Kai Leng’s movements and he has yet to lead us to the Illusive Man; he’s made a lot of stops, no doubt making more people’s lives a living hell,” Miranda informed her.

“Thanks,” she said, “So what else have you been up to?”

Miranda’s face went rigid, somewhat, “I’ve been working on a special project. I’m afraid that’s all I can say.”

Joan nodded, “I understand.”

“I received your message for Thane’s memorial service,” she said.

She sighed, “Yeah, Kolyat asked for the favor. I thought it was the least I could do, since I couldn’t go to the actual funeral. I heard it was on Kahje.”

Miranda nodded, “I’ll be here for you.”

Joan grabbed her hand, a gesture of gratitude. Miranda returned the gesture with a smile, “Kolyat and the others will be here soon; would you like to help me set up?”

“Of course,” she replied.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m sorry I left the way I did that day at the hospital, Kolyat,” Joan said to him, he was sitting on the couch next to her. Observing the guests that came to pay their respects and speak about his father. Garrus, Liara, Miranda, Samara, EDI, Joker, Jack, and even Kaidan showed up. So many of her friends came to show support. As well as Thane’s and Kolyat’s. Even Valern showed up.

He turned to look at her, “It’s fine, Shepard. I understand you were really distressed that day.”

She leaned forward on the couch, “How was the funeral?”

Kolyat stiffened a bit, “It was fine.”

“OH, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

He chuckled, “It’s alright, Shepard.”

She smiled at him and he returned her smile with a smirk. His hand went to his mouth as he started coughing, “Are you ok, Kolyat?”

The coughing subsided, he answered after he caught his breath, “I’m fine, Shepard. I think.”

She eyed him. She wasn’t there when Thane’s symptoms started to show, but she had read up on the disease and it started with the coughing, “You should get checked, Kolyat.”

“The chances of me having it are low, Shepard. I didn’t spend as much time on Kahje as my father did.”

She ran her hand through her hair, “Please. I know we’re not close and you probably don’t think anything of me, but you’re a part of Thane, and I love him. I always will. So that means I have to look after you.”

Kolyat’s eyes glimmered for a moment, “I think you’re a great person, Shepard. The same applies to you.”

Their hands clasped; not in a romantic way, in a platonic way. The way a child would hold his mother’s hand. She felt her heart skip a few beats. The thought of her own child and how she practically killed it. She kept the tears inside.

“I should probably go speak to Valern,” Kolyat said, interrupting her thoughts. To which she was thankful for, “I hear he’s feeling grateful and I would like to take the time to mention that there are a few Salarian scientists researching a cure for Kepral’s syndrome. They do, however, need additional funding.”

“If you need any help, let me know,” she said.

“Doubtful, I think my chances are pretty good,” he smiled, “One more thing; I was sorting through some of my father’s belongings and I came across some vid messages he tried to send to you. I already sent them to your extranet address… I do hope they help more than they hurt.”

He took out his hand for a shake, but she pulled him in for a hug, “Stay in touch, Kolyat.”

“I will.”


End file.
